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Need some translation of A behaviour here. Returned from an al anon wkend retreat and pockets filled with hugs, approval, appreciation, laughter, reflection, a ha moments etc so the transition to home can be a tough reality, I know. I was trying ........
A is trying to be so nice, make supper, considerate, asks if I need anything. I gave gratitude for projects done, meal etc. 13 yr old upset me at dinner, then someone had broke the recliner/not reported it and 13 yr old set the computer up differently while I was gone - I had told him no earlier but he asked dad over the wkend & got a yes. I was not appreciative/irritated for maybe 45 min - talked with son, we worked out our differences and talked about how we can communicate and respect each other better.
Then I responded to A's inquiries if I needed anything, if all was ok with positive response for the next 2 hours. I asked if A would like to hear some more about my wkend. He said sure...... 10 min later, I said come on over & I'll start while you snack.
He grunted and banged things around. Went into how I'd been upset with everything since I've been back. I explained it was the three things for 45 min with son, & that has been worked out. Repeated what I had done the rest of the time, that I had been pleasant and gave him some more gratitude. Then he said his attitude changed because when he wants to eat, he eats and I can wait to talk to him. His story kept changing....... the drinks, probably.
He sat down and said he could hear a couple more things about my wkend.....this seemed like so much progress. I detach by isolating from him, it is so difficult to do or say anything, and I wanted to start expressing my feelings more and try talking to him a bit more about what I am doing or like to do.
He liked my share about being closer to hp and things work better in our lives. And he related to the story that I met some one who had lived through multiple miscarriages because we have similar story. Then I thought he would laugh at hearing about an A who was having difficulty getting a Japanese client to understand he could not seal the deal with saki. When this A told client he would then drink all of their saki and become an A**hole, that was a universal word of understanding. (-: The client ordered him a coke.
My AH has clients like this and tells me funny stories from diverse cultures so I thought he would get a kick out of it. It made him mad........... he said good night and left all high & mighty. I don't get it - is he just trying to find something to get mad at me about? I constantly feel like it is a competition to highlight all the things I do wrong. I am patronized or disapproved of for my (open) cig addiction when he drinks and is a closet smoker in the bathroom. If no one sees him, then he doesn't do it. I hate always looking like the bad guy plus I want to be partners not on opposing team. what gives, what am I not seeing here? He is a tough business negotiater and tough to live with...phew!
I am turning things over in my head from my retreat that the better I get with my boundaries, the sooner he could hit bottom and maybe some year we could have what many have when they get to the point where they are thankful to be an A because of where they are today with new understanding, spirituality etc. I know I can only focus on myself and do better with good boundaries - but it is so tough when it is mostly emotional abuse or crazy making. Where are the boundaries on too much crazy making? Hear what I say, not what you think I mean .........as well as I must mean what I say, and not say it mean.
ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 00:48, 2008-09-29
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hi there quit trying to figure out a practicing A , sober is hard enough . drinking impossible . Just be you , your doin fine . your happy he's not about covers it . there is nothing worse than someone in the house getting happy and it ain't you - the A Louise
Doesn't sound like your program work impresses him a whole lot and he may have taken the client story about becoming that "one body part" person when he drinks, personal. I tried that a time or two...sharing my program with my alcoholic and she also got angry thinking that I was talking about her behind her back. I just let it go. My recovery is for me alone. Best sharing has always been with other members and my sponsor. I have two sets of boundaries... one for them and one for me. The ones for me are the only ones I can hope to keep and I need the membership of the AFG and especially my HP to even have a hope of keeping those.
It's called crazymaking hon. They do it to keep us off balance and spending too much time trying to make them understand, come at them in a different manner.
It's fruitless to exert your energy there hon,
Bless you, keep coming, keep posting. love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Yeah, I thought he might be a bit jealous of the programme too... :)
Maybe just talk about it with other Al-Anon friends? (or us here...?) He can hear you had a good time & the non-threatening things...
As for sensitivity to negativity... Gosh I have it too.. I'm really upset even if my Mom is upset with Dad or someone else... & my Dad can't hear me criticize anyone... (especially other men) even if it's not really criticizing... he sort of takes it personally... It seems your hubby maybe took what you said to Son personally too.. (?) So I just try to rant over whatever or someone specific in his absence, preferably.. (The good part is he doesn't let others 'trash' me either.. except Mom maybe, sometimes)
Maybe you could take the boy 'outside' & talk? not sure, just an idea... Also, something I did. When Mom & Dad quarrelled, I asked, 'How much time do you need?' lol... (& left them for the time being) It did shock them & they quarrelled much less... (Maybe hubby could do something like that, ask you how much time you need, or run an errand out of the house or similar, while you're 'discussing things' with son?) I know it's a problem of mine to be hypersensitive to criticism, I'm trying to work on it.. It's not easy, though... (& being told I'm hypersensitive doesn't really help either, I know I am!! :) It's like people telling me I have blue eyes, lol...)
It did help to discuss things a bit... like Mom (or another friend) telling me she's not as upset as she sounds to me... I really got into panic as they were constantly negative & negative again... I felt, 'I'm doing all this work, but all I hear is negativity. What's the worth of that?/Is it worth it?' & I know other kids of an (untreated) Al-Anon Mom in our street said the same... ('She's nagging anyway, why should I bother & study?' or such...) So the way I see it, being 'overcritical' is a tendency among Al-anon Moms... (?) I think it's great you're working on your own growth & wellbeing... I know I'm sometimes overcritical myself, working on that trait too, & it's not easy... Just thought I'd mention this as it might give you some insight into what might be going on in your husband's head... (?)
Anyway, hope you guys manage to work things out... :)
Sounds great that he's willing to make an effort & that you're doing the programme!! :)
