I don't understasnd - Al-Anon Family Group

Gared · Member

I don't understasnd

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the options my sponsor presented me with when I kept taking the calls from the then AH was that I didn't have to answer the phone! Imagine that!

The same can apply for texting, only not reading them but hitting the delete button, no?

I spent years and years of my life comparing my insides to other people's outsides ("he's got life by the tail"), and it was a losing proposition.

Today, I am responsible for my own happiness. Today I chose not to engage with sick people who want to draw me into their games.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps you had an expectation when you were so kind to him...? Here, I've learned that an expectation is a pre-meditated resentment.

But I understand completely. I often wonder why my good deeds haven't reaped more rewards. My exAH also appears to have walked away unscathed. I don't know if that's true, but he appears to be living the good life. I am not. I have our house to sell without his help, a job to find in this terrible economy, wondering if I'll have to move in with my family which is away from my grown children... the fears can overwhelm me. And when I focus on all that, I am brewing in resentment toward him, my body becomes tense and I feel unwell.

It helps to remember that he is sick. And sick people should behave this way. When I let that sink in and accept that, I am no longer feeling resentful. The goal of recovery is our own serenity. I know that my serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance.

Together, we can pray for relief of our resentments. And, remember steps one, 2 and 3.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

G, you are still connecting with him. You respond, react, pay, etc. You take his requests and words and world into consideration. Simply stop doing that, if you can- easier said than done, I know. He is reaching out to you by texting, asking for money. You respond/reach back by reading his texts and giving him money. If you stop playing your role, he will stop playing his role.

Do not try to make sense of any of this- he is sick and all you will hear is the illness/sickness talking.

Do you attend al-anon meetings? They sure worked well for me and I learned to detach, still am learning to detach. Take care and put yourself FIRST and take care of you and your home/life FIRST. Hugs, J.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

One good thing is to read "Getting them Sober". He is not having a good time that is one of the things that the author really reinforces. They are good at putting out that mirage.

I have an ex boyfriend who calls me. I ignore all messages and do not respond on any level. I make a huge point of not knowing where he is or what he is doing.

Maresie.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

(( Gared )) Get informed about addiction/alcoholism. Find a local meeting and pickup some pamphlets, study  A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic and The Merry go Round Called Denial thoise two pamphlets helped me the most understand how the A could manipulate me so well and what I was doing and how I could change emotionally to not fall into their traps &/or games. You can also purchase those pamphlets at www.al-anon.alateen.org and find local meetings at that site.

Even though your Abf is gone, there is something in you that was appealing to an addict/alkie and if you don't look at yourself, it is likely you will attract another A to you.
    I know you are mad and think he's a moron and maybe he is but he is an A. They are Master Manipulators and perpetual liars. They do a lot of strange things that I doubt any of us could ever understand. I've had A's do things to me on purpose, to hurt me, just b/c they found my reactions amusing &/or they got power from my emotions, energy. They will suck you dry. Congradulations on setting a boundary, putting your foot down and ssaying, "No." If you keep giving in to them, they will keep coming back, asking for more.

No one deserves to be taken advantage of or abused, mistreated so I hope you will stick with al-anon, do some soul searching and make some step to learn how to protect yourself in healthy ways.
   I grew up ACoA (adult child of an addict/alcoholic) so I have loved a lot of A's in my life. They can be very exciting ppl but they are also selfish and will put their drug of choice over us, every time. It can be very hard to accept.

Learn to put yourself first and love yourself. Get to some meetings, talk to people there, study your pamphlets, read old posts at the Board, come into the chat room and talk to people (we have two daily meetings in there without fail). It can get better and you are worth it!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.