The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I talked to our son last night and asked him how he was doing. His reply was an angry " Don't sound so worried". He still seems like such an angry young man. I don't understand, if he would talk more maybe then he wouldn't be so angry. Should I just leave it and let it go?
I think everyone in Al-Anon has actually experienced this, or has had fears of having to deal with this. The one thing I learned in the Program was that I need to concentrate on myself. Not the Alcoholic. Before they will finally help themselves, they need to hit bottom. Sometimes that is the awakening they need. Sometimes it is not. Everyone is different.
I would only suggest that you keep going to Al-Anon meetings, if you are already. Just because the Alcoholic isn't drinking, it doesn't mean they are cured.
I also have an alcoholic son who is 37 years old. The best thing I ever did was go to Alanon meetings and read the post on MIP. It helped me to detach and let my son learn from his mistakes. It was really hard to do but one night while I was laying in bed I was wondering where he was. I realized for the first time that I didn't have an answer and I did not get that anxious feeling im my stomach. That is when I knew for sure the program was working for me. My thought is..."he is where he is and doing what he's doing and I have no control over it". I ask HP to please take care of him and to let me sleep in peace without having to walk the floors and try and figure out where he might be.
I also have a son who is 40, an a/da. I know all too well what is going through your mind.
When my son was in rehab I was pretty sure that he was going to use as soon as he got out and he actually waited about a week but it came just the same. He needed an address of where he was going in order to be released. We told him he could come here for one week but at the end of that week he had to have other living arrangements made. I knew that he had to do this himself and we didn't need his addiction in our face 24/7.
The thing that saved my sanity(some might argue it wasn't saved LOL) was going to Al-Anon as well as any other 12 step meeting I could get myself to. It helped me to hear their side as well.
That was a little over 4 years ago and my son told me last year that he has one wish for me and that is that I live long enough to tell 20,000 parents that the best thing they can do for their children that are addicted to anything is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! He said he has heard it shared in meetings quite often that they never got anywhere until their parents stopped completely. I'm still working on that 20,000 and today I am ok. I don't know for sure if my son is ok, I know what he tells me but I also know he will tell me exactly what I want to hear. So me and my higher power are living one day at a time.
HUGS Barb
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
As a mother to two Alcoholic sons...this letter helps me.
Open Letter to the family from an Alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic, I need help.
Don't allow me to lie to you and accept it for the truth, for in so doing, you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but get at it.
Don't let me outsmart you. This only teaches me to avoid responsibility and to lose respect for you at the same time.
Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. In so doing you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.
Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame, or argue when I'm drunk or sober. And don't pour out my liquor; you may feel better, but the situation will be worse.
Don't accept my promises, This is just my method of postponing pain. And don't keep switching agreements. If an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety with for us compel you to do what I must do for myself.
Don't cover up or abort the consequences of my drinking. It reduces the crisis but perpetuates the illness.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness, gets worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, and to plan for my recovery. I need help from a doctor, a counselor, or a psychologist, another recovered alcoholic, A.A., from God. I cannot help myself.
I hate myself, But I love you. To do nothing is the worst choice you can make for us.
Please help me,
Your Alcoholic
The best way I could help them was by helping myself and getting to Alanon. Bless you.
Thank you for replying. Our son did hit rock bottom-tried to commit suicide-I thank God he was'nt successfull. I'm still afraid, but am trying to not let this monster consume me.
Barb, Last weekend when we visited our son at rehap, I asked him what he wanted us to do and his reply was "absolutely nothing". Wow, thta is going to be a hard one for us, because how do you do nothing?
