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hi everyone--just thought i'd share thots from today's meeting--i am struggling with a 17 year old who i can try and dtach from as best i can but am still legally responsibly 4 so it gets tricky at this age
At the meeting tonight I related most to the topic of standing up 4 self or what is right today—I am trying to do it with this 17 teen yr. Old—scary thing is that standing up 4 what is right and not enabling his destructive behavior…
Not supporting his habits by helping him financially, etc. and by taking the car off road, etc. has caused him 2 leave and not want 2 b here. Part of me says good ridance—I have had about enuf!
Part of me is very worried, wants to have a court order and get him help and I am looking into a medical order this week just trying to understand the full scope of our options as parents as well as our responsibility at this age, etc.
BUT The important thing 4 me during all this is to focus on me and my gut feeling about stuff, because as a I look into options that r still possible 4 him-like the great statistics 4 some of the untraditional treatment programs out there, etc.
(we don’t go into specific treatments in here so I’ll be very careful) Ideally he will go down his little spiral he is on once again and c he needs it and or take a suggestion—
but basically my point is that if I do do this thru Dr. ‘s order etc. or courts, I have to do it 4 the right reasons—not control not thinking that it is up 2 me to make him c the light or that I have tremendous power or I am his higher power
but it wold have to be 4 me, becuz after prayer and meditation my gut tells me and my HP tells me we need 2 at least try this road and LET GO of the outcomes of it 4 me or us 2 feel as parents that we at least tried to give him whatever life skills education we could prior 2 him being 18 when we lose influence legally
and I am working hard to be prayerful and centered so I don’t do this out of fear and control…2 just let him go and make a little mess if that will teach him or even if it doesn’t seem 2—that is between him and his Hp pretty much—unless mine tells me clearly to step in…
so at this point it is one day a ta time, it is only getting the info and being informed and loving him while hating the disease & standing up 4 what is acceptable to me—us---to say what I mean and mean what I say and try not to say it mean…
I am good at saying things with love, cuz my caretaking kicks in and also my people pleasing too, but I am putting them to a positive use and with alanon I turn them into a firm but loving kinda attitude instead.
Boy I could never get thru this without al-anon tools. I would be a mess. But instead I have laughed today—smiled, cried the whole gammit. Cuz with the tools I can live fully even when I am in a lot of emotional pain—I can have moments of calm—hours of it if I work hard at letting go and being honest, etc. and go to meetings…even have some joy when people I love are in a lot of pain, cuz I learned that I can love them without taking it all on for them and robbing them of their process cuz two people (rather than 1) going down is not helping things any.
thanks 4 listening--i'd be intersted in your ES&H too---luv123
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
I sure can relate to what you are going through! We just had our 20 year old daughter admitted to inpatient after telling her we were going to committ her. Just because they are 18 and over doesn't mean we cannot committ them, but there is a process. With our daughter getting her 5th minor in consumption, 3rd time in jail, etc. since she turned 18, we felt we needed to do something before she turns 21. She seems to want to help herself once she was able to pick the treatment center she chose. Also, she is on our insurance until she is 22 so that played a part in our decison making too. WE will not know if we did the right thing by coercing her until later, but God willing she is doing this for her. The tricky thing I have found with my friend's kids who need treatment is getting them to be honest on their evaluations or even getting them to an evaluation. You didn't say if your son has been in treatment before? At times I wish I would have called the police or gotten my daughter into treatment when she was younger but yet I am not going to should on myself or question it anymore since it may have not changed the position she is still in today, that of being a drug addict/ alcoholic. If you want to read about my recent struggle with our daughter all you have to do is click the search icon above and put my name in it,,,,cdb. My daughter went into an outpatient treatment program a year ago after totally using all kinds of stuff during her beginning freedom of 18 and then college. She finally askedus for help after she ended up in jail her first time, but that did not even get her to hit bottom. I don't know if it is because we always pick up the pieces or what? We are learning too. My husband and I realize that this disease is a lifelong battle for our daughter and we will try to be there for her by detatching with love,,,,,which is something we are currently learning and trying. The financial thing is tough I may add and I am not one to pass on any advice since I think we have been doing that all wrong. I do feel for you and my heart goes out to you! IT helps me and others to learn by your posting and keeping us updated on things you try or just how things are going. I wish there was no alcoholism or drug abuse but that is just not life. I am surviving with alanon and this chatsite! Babysteps and taking care of me is very difficult but gosh I am trying. Good Luck and do take one day or one hour at a time. cdb
It sounds like you are doing fine with alanon tools so far, so give yourself a pat on the back. I think tough love with one's own--is the hardest! Very proud of you. Remember progress not perfection is the key. Keep Coming Back.
[Now when I look back on my spouse's alcoholism, and I had to do tough love stuff, gosh,
I was doing it, but it felt like the Tazmanian Devil took residence in my gut!]
Forced intervention sometimes works; sometimes it does not. Plenty of court order attendees at A.A. and N.A. meetings get it. If you say you are still helping your child, and at 17 that is not much child, because you are legally bound to and that is your reason or excuse for what you are doing, you can always legally turn your son over to the State to get State intervention help. Then legality will not be an issue.
Keep Coming Back. 
