The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A guest on the chat the other night has been in my head for the past few days and i hope this post will help me let go of all they had to say. This person was very angry with god and what seemed to be the whole world and thoes with a so called Normal Life. What is normal really??? I don't think there is a norm for life and we make our lives what they are. Thoes who look normal on the surface are just a look they may or may not portray. I have a sinario for this person who I think will be back and hope they read this!
A man and his wife have 2 wonderful kids one boy and one girl, a beutiful home and wonderful careers. Have in many peoples eyes been very sucessful. He owns his own company that is well established and doing very well. They go to elite parties with people from all over the world and other well established business owners. I like to call it the hoity toity parties. The wife who had a wonderful career gave that life up and stays home with her kids and supports her husband and is at every party looking the part of the perfect wife.
An outsider looking at this family can look at them and think wow they have it all, everything they could ever want, an easy life, everything handed to them on a silver platter. They are happy and sucessful I wish i had their life. Right???
Apperances can be decieving!! I just described my family and it is far far from Normal, far from great and far from wonderful. We may have alot of nice things and toys but they are only things. My husband is an active alcoholic who is at work or out with the guys and his friends who are other business owners or in a meeting which I may add is usually at the bar. Everynight is a night out. I am like the guest espalined it "just another usless stay at home mom". I gave up my career to raise my kids and may I add I loved my career but I love my kids more! I am blessed in many ways but it has not been easy and has not come with out many sacrifices. Many of these sacrifices came with alot of loss and heartache. My life may or may not be normal to some but that is only in what they may or may not see and their personal deffinition of Normal. I have had nothing at all and worked hard for the things I do have but materialistic items do not define the person that they are or the hardships that they have had to endure in life. I could go on about my child hood but there is no need to. I have to make my life look to some like perfect but only I know the truth and the surface is just the surface the layers below are mine and only mine and what i do with it is a choice I make. I can work on me concentrate on me and be happy and that is a choice i make. I could be bitter but choose not to. I could hate my life but don't all in all it is ones choice. I can also admit that there are times that I do believe my life is great but it again is what I make it and realizing that i have many things to be greatful for.
I believe that we have the ability to make our lives better by taking from experiences, applying what we have learned either negative or positive and put it to good use.Life might hand you a lemon and you have the ability to make lemonade.
Judging people from the surface is unfair and judgemental. To hate someone for what you think they have or how their lives have turnned out is not right. I would never presume to judge a person and neither should anyone else.
This person proceeded to what seemed purposly hurt thoes in the chat room and upset me very much. But this room is not for us to hurt or upset each other, but to share and help one another.
I am truely sory this person feels so much hate, hurt and loss. I also believe that even though I could not reach this person by my actions of trying to help and explain that we are not all "stay at home moms" and that there was the chance that someone here had experienced simmilar situations that hopefully this person will find the help they need.
I also hope that the others on the chat that night didn't get to upset by this person and have let it go already as you can see i have not but hope that this will help me.
I realise that i can not help everyone, and that alanon is not for everyone.
It is too easy for us sometimes to judge others by whom they appear to be thinking that so and so has it made, a perfect life, with nice home, cars, money, beauty, etc etc etc. We think that we have it so much harder than they do and that if we could just have what they have..well we'd be happy too. Just like we surmise that they must be.
How dare we do that?
Who are we to judge anyone else? Everyone has their own burdens and problems no matter how perfect or imperfect their lives may appear. Judge not lest ye be judged!
I was in that boat too. Seemingly idealistic life, beautiful wife, family, friends, careers,etc.. But on the inside was a lot of pain going on, being kept hidden from the world. My marriage is now ending and I am now living alone.
But I am able to face each day with love in my heart thanks to some life altering/saving revelations which I have been given since joining Al-anon. We all, each of us, need to remember that happiness is an inside job, and that no matter what the circumstances of our current life situations, it is our choice to find some good in being alive or not. We all serve a higher power with a plan for our lives. This knowledge alone, that I am part of my HP's grand design, brings me much peace and joy.
Thanks again, JJ, for helping me to focus on my side of the street, and for reminding me not to judge a book by its cover.
Thanks for your post. It made me remember ten years ago when I was teaching and my life was falling apart inside as my depression worsened, my shopping addiction worsened and my eating disorder brought me to a treatment center. Then after I came back and found that we had to file bankruptcy due to my not being able to work, I had a nervous breakdown. WEll, people at work said to me when I confided in a few of them why I was not going to be able to finish the year: What? You are the one that has everything together and is strong and has everything going for you. Boy was I shocked! I had certainly put up a good front while I was totally falling apart and didn't even realize it. Today, with my now alcoholic daughter and all my health problems and not being able to work, my life is more healthy than ever due to alanon and all that I have learned through my therapy and struggles. It was its' unhealthiest when everyone around me thought I had it all together. How ironic? cdb
I try very hard not to let those in program rent space in my head---for the very fact I do not know where they are at in recovery. ( Doesn't mean I don't listen to them).
I can remember a time riding around looking at Christmas lights---thinking all the houses lit up and trees in the windows...they were "normal". That I was on the outside looking in. I didn't have normal. I wasn't sure where I belonged or that I had a sense of "belonging". I was just plain NUMB.
Then I have had times where I am envious. That envy leads to anger, frustration. Then I have to remind myself, that behind some of those Christmas lights was someone celebrating their last Christmas as someone in that family had just been diagnosed w/terminal cancer.
The houses, cars, clothes, all look normal--but the longer I am in program, we--each individual --has our own trial(s) in life. So..maybe we are all normal after all!
The un-normal is the norm for people. What others think of me is none of my business and what others think is none of my business. Much pain --> much anger --> much hate. Those not in touch with this process usually find a place to put the hate without realizing it is themselves they hate the most. As wallsal indicated: do not give them a free rental place in your head.
So..maybe we are all normal after all! 
