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Hi all - I'm new to the Alanon idea...haven't been to a meeting (yet)...
My brother is my A. He's just recently discovered his alcoholism and is (was?) working hard at recovery. He joined an inpatient program for 2 weeks and has been out for a few months. The inpatient treatment was partially because he wanted to do it and partially because his job made it a requirement of him as he was caught on the job.
Well a few days ago he was fired from his job as they caught him drinking again. It was a blow to me but I'm working on detachment.
I've been not sharing what's been going on with him to friends and extended family. They don't know about the alcohol problems, about the rehab, about the extent of his problems in his marriage. I often get asked how he's doing. "Fine" I answer vaguely.
Now that he's lost his job, it's really hard for me to say "fine". I figure people will find out about the loss of his job (he's in a highly respected profession) and it's not easily explained away that he doesn't have this job anymore.
If I tell people what has happened when they ask after him, am I disrespecting his anonymity within AA?
But if I don't tell people and say he's "fine", am I covering up for him?
I don't want to lose his trust, but I don't want to lie for him either.
My thoughts.... are that you need to find the words to be able to say, nicely but firmly - "why don't you ask him?", or something to that effect. The question you are being asked is for your brother to deal with, and not for you.
I would agree with your concern - that perhaps openly discussing your brother's alcoholism is breaking that trust of anonymity within.....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I had a lot of people asking me sometimes about my qualifyer to see how he's doing because they hadn't seen him in weeks. I told them, 'Why don't you call him and see for yourself?' It's never been my job to keep track of him. My job is to take care of myself. I am only giving my experience strength and hope. You need to make your own decisions about what to do. but if it were me, I wouldn't break his anonymity.
Personally, I'd differentiate between people who are just asking about him to be polite, don't really care and don't have any real connection with him, and those who may have more of a right/reason to care about his wellbeing. To the first group, I'd just say some "Oh, getting by" type comment - it's meaningless, but that's what's wanted here. For the second group, some variation on "You'll have to ask him" is best. It's not your place to decide who knows what and how much.
In my husband's case, he was very open about being in the program - it was part of his 'wellness plan'; having other people know about it helped him get through the tough times - pride, I guess. So, I had his permission to talk to family about the situation.
That's one nice thing about going to meetings, by the way - you can open up there, without worrying about breaking anonymity.
I learned it and work it like JR and CG mentioned and when in a meeting I just use "my alcoholic" if that becomes a part of my share. 12th tradition you'll here in meetings when you arrive, "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
A practicing alcoholic has no anonymity ,there out there doin their thing , anonymity for me means if they are in sobriety and working the AA program then i must respect thier anonymity . and I agree with canadian guy when they ask , say I dunno u will have to call and ask him . not your job to tel l others his stuff . it also stops those embarassing moments and questions and u can move on to another topic really quickly find a meeting or 3 for yourself educate your self about this disease , lying for him is not your job either . step aside and allow him to take responsibility for his own behavior , it's time . Louise
Welcome to the MIP family. Glad you found us. When it came to my husband, and casual friends asked how he was doing I always encouraged them to call him. Because he had other medical problems, I could also say, "Slowly, but surely on the way to recovery." I would never break his anonymity. He had his broken by a very sick woman who came into my work place and proceeded to tell people about him. This woman is in AA and is a sponsor! There were only 2 people whom I told at work. One was my boss because I needed Sundays off while he was in rehab. That was visiting day. The other was a woman whose mother was an A and she helped me get into Alanon.
It was always his choice whom he choose to share or not share about his disease. Our closest family and friends knew what was going on. Some were supportive. Some were not. The important thing is that you work your recovery. The hardest lesson I had to learn was NOT to get involved in his recovery. I could be loving and supportive of him without hand holding his recovery. I wish you both well. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am far more boundaried these days so I would defer on most questions. If you are speaking in al anon of course you are guaranteed anonymity in the group meetings. Certainly speak to your concerns. You do not have to stipulate who the person is. If you are speaking to others it is up to your judgement. I do not go to AA meetings but I presume those meetings also guarantee anonymity. There is a balance between you getting your needs met and your brother's privacy. I certainly don't think you are broadcasting this from the rooftops. I also think that Getting them Sober can help you with detaching. One of our very generous members has offered to send the book to people please think about taking him up on it. The post is at the top of this site.
When I am asked how my son is doing by anyone my response is always with a big smile "As far as I know he is doing just fine." If they want to contact him and ask for his number I give it to them. I can always walk away after a conversation of this sort with a clear conscience. It's really nobody else's business what he has or hasn't done unless he wishes to tell them. If I tell them what's going on then I feel as though I am gossiping and that's something I don't need to be doing.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Glad you found us. When it came to my husband, and casual friends asked how he was doing I always encouraged them to call him. Because he had other medical problems, I could also say, "Slowly, but surely on the way to recovery." I would never break his anonymity. He had his broken by a very sick woman who came into my work place and proceeded to tell people about him. This woman is in AA and is a sponsor! 
There were only 2 people whom I told at work. One was my boss because I needed Sundays off while he was in rehab. That was visiting day. The other was a woman whose mother was an A and she helped me get into Alanon. 