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So I was thinking about my daughter (just turned 14 last weekend) and I know I have posted many times about how I see her exhibit A behavior - nothing is ever her fault, lying, always right, never knows when to stop or enough is enough, manipulating, etc. Which could also just be immature behavior in general....
A while back I posted about an incident with her where she upset me so I refused to take her to the school to change her schedule and so she ended up doing it herself and going above and beyond my hopes with all honors classes. Of course I'm STILL a horrible mother for that...
But my question is this....
Do you think it's possible to raise your children in a way that prevents them from becoming alcoholic or addicts through parenting?
For example if I start now with 1 always enforcing consequences 2 expecting self control/decision making 3 expecting self responsibility
do you think that this can reshape a "personality" that is prone to drug/alcohol abuse? can it (even if started later) provide structure in a life that has had the chaos of an alcoholic parent and prevent that path for the child?
I know a lot of times I thought that the reason my A was an A was that his parents were non participators in his life, his mom was an A dad was a pothead and he was allowed to do whatever he wanted without consequence. This led to a life of crime, heroin addiction, alcoholism and prison stints. Of course this is NOT what I want for my children and I see the common personality traits of addicts (I've had a few...)
I'm just wondering what everyone here thinks about this issue and whether or not it's possible to prevent kids of addicts from becoming addicts thru parenting?
That is like asking if I am a good parent can I stop my child from getting cancer, or diabetes or ms or any other disease.
Sorry I am absolutely 100% sure from all medical fact, there is no way to stop someone from being an addict, if they are one. BUT the good news is many times, if the person does not ever touch drugs, nor smokes or overeats or over spends....all addict behavior and there are more and they end up channeling their addiction to a good thing, they may have as normal a life as possible.
I know one gal who is nuts about altering every cat she can find. She traps at night, stays out in the dark to catch and set up the traps again.
I am telling you it is amazing. Sadly she really does exaust herself. But she is not hurting anyone.
We cannot change our genetics Carolina. What I have seen is when kids are encouraged to do what they love, supported in developing their passion, they are less likely to do drugs.
Whatever their passion is, hiking, making clay things, legos, running, hiking, rafting, motorcyles, fashion, sewing, group parties etc.
It is very important in my experience to teach our kids to have fun. They need that serenity of having something that always makes them feel better, like slipping into your favorite shoes or slippers. I always feel better with my animals.
For my A work was his thing. He remodeled houses etc and loved it, was very creative. Also he made things for me around our farm/sanctuary.
My son and daughter both have A fathers. But my family side does not have As as far back as we can see. so they are so fortunate to not be A.But if they did not have outlets and love what they do to make money, they do have markers, so this is where encouraging fun and passions is vital.
No matter what it always makes a difference to be a good parent.
You have done so well girl. Look how far you have gone to get the serenity you have! love,debilyn
Well, I suppose you could make the lifestyle of an A so unappealing that the kid won't be attracted to the lifestyle. So, they won't desire to "hang out" in bars or with kids who drink, smoke etc. BUT, if they are an A, they will find out eventually.
I read a study one that was the whole nature vs. nuture. It said that Aism is a disease, but like cancer, it can be staved off by nurture. If you knew your child was pre-disposed to cancer, you could teach him healthy behaviors, feed him all the right foods, keep his enviroment healthy and participate in healthy lifestyle with him. And when he is 40 will he get the cancer that was predicted by his genes? Probably, despite all of your preventative techniques. BUT, it very well may be a less aggressive form of a cancer, and he already has the tools of a healthy lifestyle so he is better equipted to fight the disease.
So, I believe that if I give my kids the tools of this program and the facts of Aism, I am giving them a bit of insulation against this disease, even if they themselves have it.
I don't know why I heard that crack cocain is INSTANTLY addictive and thought "who would ever WANT to be addicted to anything?" and many of my friends thought "wow! I can't WAIT to do that!". No clue. Makes no sense.
It's hard work but I am raising my kids as I would raise my kids. They have the truth about Aism and how it has torn our family apart. They know that they have been effected and they very well may have the disease. I haven't gone into how they will find out if they have it or not. I have said to my 13 yr old that it is probable if she takes one drink, she won't be able to stop and what the progression is. Alcohol has no place in my life or my home. But it is in other people's homes. It is a fact of life. Can't shelter them.
I don't know how I would parent kids who didn't have this disease....it's kinda like asking "well, if you didn't have kids what would you be doing with your life...." Can't even imagine, wouldn't want to.
We are lucky that we have this program. My parents were offered it and turned it down. And I grew up in an alcoholic home. My kids are growing up in a recovery home. Will they become addicts? Who knows but all I can do is love them and raise them today.
One kid at a time, one situation at a time, one day at a time!
(Carolinagirl) I have a 1st cousin, a retired teacher, who is is like a sister to me. She has two sons ages 38 and 40. Both raised in a good home, good parents, both received college football scholarships to major universities, both have good jobs, a wife and two children each. Neither have ever been in any trouble in their entire life. Both small town boys made good, the American pie story.
My cousin returned from her first cruise a month ago the same day the police and DEA arrested her older son for making and selling crystal meth on her property. He had a meth lab in the woods a half mile behind her house. She had no knowledge or any idea it was going on. Needless to say she was crushed.
Of course she called me crying asking where did she go wrong.( sorry I did not mention her husband of 40 years passed away 2 years ago) She asked what should she have done differently, and all the other questions a good mother who has just had her world turned upside down would like to find answers to.
Carolinagirl, I can't answer your question, neither can my cousin. You never know how the finished product will turn out. You raise them as best you can and when you put them on that big playing field of life you have to pray they apply the things they were taught during their childhood. Some do, some don't. Regardless you know you did the best you could. By the way my cousin has been attending Al-Anon for two weeks now. (((HUGS))) RLC
p.s. One saying I like to use might be good for you to keep in mind. "It is hard for a 14 year old to realize, one day they will be as dumb as their parents."
CG, I believe that walking your talk is the best anyone can do to "influence" anyone. By that I mean really demonstrate your tools. I love to run, go to the gym, eat really well, get enough sleep, spend time in spiritual contemplation/meditation, etc. If given the choice to walk or drive, I walk. Given the choice to walk the sidewalk along the street or the one along the river, I take the one along the river even though it adds 15 mins.
The quality of my life is important to me.
I am 45 and my health is excellent. People are amazed by my energy and vitality. They do not know I am in program, generallym but they do see me taking good care of myself. Youth, kids that I work with see this. Adults see this. Demonstrate your tools, they speak volumes!! Hugs, J.
Yes, having grown up in an alcoholic home, I would say that some things become a deterrent, my mother was very fond of taking cheap sherry bottles to bed with her, the smell of same sickens me to this day and I am anti drinking in the home, yet I ended up with alcoholics around me all my life, I have no control over alcoholism, no control of my father drinking a bottle of whisky a day while caring for his terminally ill wife but yet you are an inspiration to your daughter whether you know that or not, I need to take a leaf out of your book for the consequences myself,
Interesting question. For me not growing up in a home where drinking wasn't the most important thing, I'm sure helped. I had aunts, uncles, etc who were alcoholics. On the other hand, my husband's family where his Dad was an alcoholic (but then got sober) one son became an addict one did not. I think it's the old question of nature vs. nurture. The councelor we had to meet with before we could go visit our families while A was in rehab, made this point: he has twin girls. He is a recovering addict. One shows a great interest in alcohol. The other does not.
As an anthropologist, genetics, biology, culture, all come into play. I do not think you can "prevent" her from getting it. Like diabetes, heart disease and some cancers, you can do what you can to make it harder for the disease to rear it's ugly head. If you eat all junk, then your body's gonna be junky. It wouldn't help you to fight off disease, etc. Same thing here. I think the more positive things you do to show her your program and how strong you are, the better off she will be. She will have the tools in place. She already knows what this disease has done to your family. Keep being the positive strong role model you already are. That's a start in the right direction. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am the mother of an alcoholic son. I have two sons.
They were both brought up in the same environment...two parents, the home, nice back yard, good schools, lots of friends.
Both of my sons were/are athletic throughout the years. Fron pee-wee soccer to high school sports (tennis, soccer, golf) and even onto adult sports teams.
From elementary school, they were involved in the DARE programs offered in our area. We (their father and I) always talked openly and honestly to our sons about everything...drugs, sex, alcohol. They could always come to us with any problems, concerns, questions about anything and everything and expect to get honesty and truth.
And today...one son is an alcoholic. The disease still got him. Early on, too. He was 17 yrs. old when we discovered/suspected he was an alcoholic. He is now 30 yrs. old. He has been in recovery for almost 15 months....AA meetings, therapy, prayer and church.
I see the disease of alcoholism like a tornado. It just reams through and hits and misses. One thing is left standing in perfect form and the thing right next to it has been completely demolished.
As parents, my husband and I blamed ourselves at first. But it is not our fault that one son is an alcoholic; or that we can take credit & pat ourselves on the back for the other son NOT being an alcoholic. It is what it is.
We cannot predict what the future will be for our children. We have no control or power over that. We do the best that we can. That's all we can do.
I dunno I think I would not just be worried about the kids growing up alcoholic, being codependent is pretty deadly isn't it. I would assume that your transformation is having an influence on them. There is no question you are putting in a huge amount of effort and there is going to be changes. You can rest assured you did the best you could.
I think its so important to be vigilant about codependency too. I would not wish codependency on anyone - not even my worst enemy.
In the house I share the codependency issues, control, lack of respect, lack of tolerance, inability to see anyone else's point of view, complete cluelessness, total self absorption is so difficult to deal with. My detachment practice comes into play. I think you have come a long long way in a short amount of time, as your recovery grows there is no question you will be a considerable resource for your children as they grow. Who could want more than that?
Anything is possible. Is all possibilities realistic? I really enjoyed the feedback you got here. This is a good subject and my simple response is you will do the best you can with what you have and then life including the decisions of your daughter for what ever justification will happen for her and you will share in it.
There is a reality as the alcoholic/addict personality...for me oppositional/defiant was the defect. Risky behavior was/is also a defect. From my college studies genetics play a large role and genetic disposition is real. This is also a part of my physical, mental, emotional makeup. Alcohol was a key that fit the lock perfectly the very first time and while my mother was fighting my Grandmother to not place alcohol before us. She did the best she could with what she had and it worked when I got into program. It took everything she had plus God, plus time, plus the program. (could you introduce her to Alateen? literature? other discoveries?) The program gave my mother the son she wanted. She didn't display any remorse or resentment over it.
I was also a substance abuse counselor mainly for adolescents and their families. One of the obstacles were all were up against including the teen was their own society and support systems which to them were more important than life itself. This is the society that made them "belong" and that society was based upon opposition/defiance, drugs and alcohol. Genetically I found that I not only was predisposed to alcohol and it's consequences, I was also predisposed to the thinking, feeling and behavioral characteristics of the alcoholics/addicts and also the enablers. That I would hang with and marry alcoholics became explained in program and college. That I would activate the disease of alcoholism (compulsive use and abuse of alcohol inspite of the negative consequences in my life) also became exposed.
We had house rules, church rules, societal rules, community rules, legal system rules and behaving within these guidelines was not as important to me as I behaved and continued to behave in unacceptable and life threatening ways until reaching the doors of first the Al-Anon Family Groups and then AA. If I had been exposed to program before the journey started who knows what might have happened. Being oppositional defiant may have made that go by the wayside also. If the family had addressed emotional problems such as fear and mental conditions such as ADD...who knows what would have happened. I only have hindsight and hindsight is 20/20. Then of course there was also the modeling I got from my parents and family. As was earlier mentioned I didn't have many "Walkers" in my family. I did have a ton of "Talkers"..."Do as I say not as I do!!" Remember that little ditty?
Any how as I see it you have something now that my parents didn't avail themselves to...a support group of very hindsighted members who under stand and are willing to share their experience, strength and hope with you so that you can learn by hindsight and practice something different should what you are doing is not working for you. You also learn acceptance that should it work or not you are free of remorse, resentment and especially fear. And first but not least...As we do you do get rehooked up to a Power GREATER than ourselves who we habitually go to first to ask for feedback and direction; "How do you see this and what is your will for me?"
I am indeed blessed in the program and here at Miracles in Progress. I don't have to be too smart or alone.
Keep coming back and thanks for the trust. (((((hugs)))))
I have two daughters, 10 years apart, the first being raised in an alcoholic/addict environment the first 8 years of her life. I was still practicing codependency when her dad and I signed the emancipation papers for her at age 17.
Even after I got into recovery for my alcoholism/addictions, I still refused to address my codependency issues for 12 more years.
Youngest daughter has been raised in a pretty stable environment of recovery on all fronts since age 11.
Both daughters are alcoholics.
There are no guarantees.
What I do know is by working my own program, and setting an example; by trusting in a loving God, there isn't anything I can't get through without the help of my higher power and friends in recovery.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
