The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I fell of the wagon and called my exbf today. Blocked my number so he couldn't see it. (hopefully that worked) Don't know why, I just had the over desire urge to tell him about my strenghs lately. (becuase I knew the real him would be proud of me...why I cared who knows?) So I tell him, I am doing really well, making new friends and getting out like I said. I also told him I just deserved better...wanted someone who really respected me. He said I did...I said no you really didn't because how could you really respect me when I didn't respect myself (in regards to him and putting me down etc). I told him I finally started this past 2 months to really stick up for my self and I deserve a partner that I can trust to go places and not have to worry about who they are hanging with, flirting with ect. I also said "you always said thats just because we are from the country..good ole country boys and that's just how we are." I told him that's not it, I deserve and want a better life. I did apoligize for my part (I wanted to get my side of the street clean) but through the whole conversation he didn't offer one apology or anything that he in any way had ANY part of it at all. Oh but he did mention 2 times that he did go to a meeting last night. Didn't say what he did with the money he took out of the account last week though. Just said he needed to work on his stuff too. I didn't mention anything specific about his friend thing, but I did say that I want friends in my life that will support me, not tell me that I will be misarable with whomever I am with (like his friend did regarding me). Anyways, the gist is, I feel weak that I called him, but I said what I needed to say. And I am sure he is loving it that I called him, but oh well. Said I loved and missed him, but I deserve to be respected and deserve a better life with a true partner. The fact that he didn't even offer any part on his part just kinda says it all. Movin on.....
Hi Louise - not being judgmental here, far from it, but I see in your post, what I struggled through for so long.... It sounds like your phone call to him, was tied to some hopes/expectations of something in return - either an apology, or acknowledgment, or validation from him, etc.... This is where, as we get healthier, we are able to "look at ourselves in the mirror", and examine our own motives..... When healthy, we can make those phone calls, for US, and NOT have it tied to any expectations back from him....
It's all good, and it's all growth....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
If I said I don't have hope for him/us I would be a big fat liar. But I am also realistic and not waiting around for this to happen. I am moving foward...if ever so slowly. I really just wanted to share with him (the old him). That's all. If he had actually said some was his part, then great...but I don't count on it. I will say that after I made the call I felt relieved a little...free. Like maybe I just had to say the last of what I had to say and get it out. But I do admit, I have alot of growth and looking in the mirror to do! Another meeting tonight - and away I go! Thanks for being kind!
Ya know what I love about this program?It taught me it is perfectly fine, normal and OK to love an alcoholic. Before this program, I really believed (and was told by family and friends) that I had to HATE the A and rid myself of him IMMEDIATLY!!! And when I couldn't, I felt like a huge defective idiot. I felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with ME!
But then I came into these rooms and I heard there was nothing wrong with loving an A. And many others did also. There were many of us who not only held out hope and love but stayed even though the one they loved was deep in the disease.
There is nothing wrong with your having hope. None of us knows the future. But in the meantime, you are doing the absolute right thing by living your own life. If the A has any shot at all of sobriety it won't come from you or his friends. It will come from within him and with help from his HP.
