The material presented
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This is my first posting although I have been reading through all your posts for a few weeks and they have helped me so much already. I am in so much pain at the moment.... I just dont understand or know what to do. My story is long, very sad and of course very similar to most others except I was living with a sober bf for 7 years, have a 4 year old child with him, yet he clearly had ALL the behaviours of an active A for all those years. He went to meetings sporadically. Slowly, over the 7 years he shut down. Although he didn't 'use' he might as well have. He didn't work, I supported him, our son, I worked full time and came home each night after being out of the house for 12 hours to 4 children (3 from a previous husband) to care for. I expected little and asked for little from abf as I thought I understood the disease. All I asked was for him to find some happiness. Then, exactly a year ago this week he left. He got on an airplane to move back to his country of origin and sent me an email to tell me he'd gone. Since then he has called me every night without fail, tells me he loves me, has told me in the past to be patient and 'hang on' now goes to meetings almost daily (apparently) and has persuaded me on numerous occasions not to give up hope. However, as the year has gone by he says less to me, is much more non-committal to me than he was, now denies he has told me to 'hang on', will not respond to any emotional question or email I send and has basically shut me out of his life ... although he continues to say he loves me. Is this him working his program? Is this him trying not to make empty promises any more?
Today I wrote to him saying that this was a tough week as it was the anniversary of his leaving and although I was so sad about the events I was proud of what he had done. (It's taken me a long time to come to terms with grief, loss, anger, resentment that I felt and I've only just stopped feeling suicidal constantly!). I told him that all I ever wanted was for him to be happy and that I hoped he was getting there. I was not 'fishing' but had hoped for some sort of acknowledgement........ but nothing. That hurts so much and I don't understand why he can't say anything. Thank you would have been enough and decent surely?
We have gone from having a very close relationship to being all but strangers. When we talk each day it is about the weather or our child. He used to confide in me about everything - talk about himself endlessly - we were each other's best friends. Now he wont have me part of his life in any way. If I go with my son to see him we spend the time alone with him. My son doesn't see his grandparents, his aunts, uncles, cousins, family anyone. We used to see them all including his friends. Now we have been cut out. Is this him working his program??
We are due to go and see him next week for 2 weeks. I spend most of the time crying as I just don't understand where I fit in to his life now yet he's very loving to me in person. When I suggest I do my own thing, see my friends and family and he take his son he gets very offended and asks why I dont want to be with him as we get on so well together.
I'm so confused and miserable. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
Aloha Marginalized!! (maybe only when it comes to this disease?)
I am glad you found your way here after doing some reading and searching. What you are going thru is classic qualification for the Al-Anon Family Groups. I did the same, I said the same, I felt the same and thank God I got and took the suggestion to attend my first face to face meeting a while back. I won't judge your alcoholic or his program. What I can do is tell you what was told to me when I first got into program. If it isn't working for you change it and there are lots of experience, strength and hope in program that can help you change from where you are to freedom from fear and happiness. That is what I received though I didn't know that I didn't know what it was that I was suffering from. I even had to be given a life long lesson on alcoholism to finally understand what I was reacting to and getting sooooo sick about. What you will learn amoung a lot of other beautify and necessary things in the program is that you cannot live his life and he cannot live yours. You have to live your own...get one and live it. If he is unavailable emotionally and spiritually for you and the family the program will be and first you have to get there. There isn't here. MIP is a great resource and front door for the Al-Anon Family Groups and it is not near as like sitting in a room full of people who have gone thru very similar experience and feelings as you have stated here, and learned how to work better alternatives and earn much better consequences and are willing to share those with you and help you change.
Suicide? Been there attempted that. It isn't near as good as recovery. Suicide is a permanent solutions to a temporary problem. You situation is temporary because you have the time and ability and the Al-Anon Family Groups that can help you change it all.
Go to the white pages of your local phone book and in bold type in the "A" listings there should be a hot line number to AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS. Call that number as soon as you are able and get the times and place where we meet and go. Do as many meetings in 90 days and maybe before you go visit your alcoholic and then re-inventory you and your life. Get as much Conference Approved Literature (CAL) as you can about the disease and the disease and you and read it all. Much of it will be free. Go early, find a good chair, listen, listen, listen and learn and then start practicing what has saved so many members lives and sanity.
Keep coming back here and posting. Yours in love and service (((((hugs)))))
Sounds like control to me. He simply wants to stay in control of YOU and YOUR life. If you have been showing him love by giving of yourself to the point where you can't even see yourself anymore then maybe he's no respect for you. It makes me angry to read the way he is treating you and it has NOTHING to do with working the program. Not a thing. He has isolated you and is still controlling you. He is renting sapce in your head and NOT paying rent!!!
We don't give advice here. But I will share my experience with you. My ex has Narcissic Personality Disorder along with a bunch of other mental issues on top of addiction. I truly believed that if I just kept showering him with unconditional love (my idea of unconditional love) then he would eventually begin to return that love. Pretty manipulative of me, I know. Anyway, being that he is sick, all the rules of love and relationships can be thrown out and I had to fiugre out how to take care of MYSELF and NOT him. Yeah, he didn't like that at all.
So, how about this, what do YOU want to do (and the answer is NOT be married to him... has to have something that has to do with YOU). Start thinking about YOU and remember he has NO power over you unless you allow him to have it. YOU are in the right place to begin healing. Your life can stop revolving around him and start be centered on you and your kids. Once you can start doing that you will begin to feel better.
Good luck and keep posting!
edited: I didn't mean you shouldn't be married to him or want to be married...I just meant that whenever anyone asked me what I wanted when I was new, I would reply "to stay married" when what they were asking was if I were focusing on myself, what did I want from my life. I am sorry if that didn't come across right...
Just wanted to welcome you to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). Lots of good replies here. Please keep coming back to us. Recovery is possible for all of us. You will find your way through this darkness. Alanon is the guiding light to help you. Just don't give up hope. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you all so much for listening, help and wisdom. I did in fact go to my first f2f meeting last week and hope to go again tomorrow evening. I do feel so much better already, just sharing with people who understand and I am getting so much strength from you all. It's funny because I think this must be apparent over the phone when I speak to my Ab/f and he doesn't seem to like it much....... he keeps asking me if I'm alright and if there's something the matter as I'm not quite so needy as I have been and have stopped asking for clarification and have dropped, willingly, all expectations. I'll definitely keep coming back - this is my lifeline at the moment and has replaced losing myself in junk TV - so much more beneficial! I REALLY appreciate your guidance, again thank you.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). Lots of good replies here. Please keep coming back to us. Recovery is possible for all of us. You will find your way through this darkness. Alanon is the guiding light to help you. Just don't give up hope. Love and blessings to you and your family.
