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My son is my alcoholic, he is 24 yrs. old. He has no respect for me, I guess because he thinks he can walk all over me and I will be right there for him when ever he needs my help. I have to confess, my unconditional love has gotten in the way many times. But this time he really hurt me!! I told him I would be at his apartment on Sat. at 11:00 am to buy him some groceries. I called him first and he didn't answer so I went to the apartment and called him again and then I knocked on the door, no answer so I left. I thought, this isn't like him to not be here or to not call me to tell me he's not home. Then I thought, he's probably in jail again. Well, at 11:45 he called to tell me he's at a friends and he just woke up. I know he partied all night with his friends and that's why he could care less about me. Well, I was really mad by this time because of his inconsideration and he asked me if he could meet me at my house and then go grocery shopping. I said "no, you're on your own you could have at least called me or left me a text message the night before saying not to come by at 11:00". So he said 'xxxx' You to me!! I was shocked and hurt! Sunday morning he calls me and I didn't answer. When I got home there was a message from him saying he has his paycheck stub which I wanted for tax purposes. He didn't even try to apologize! I really need some advice on how to handel this!
Tough situation, but it does seem like this is causing you more angst than it is causing him.... I haven't read it, but I know there is a book out, by Toby Rice Drews, entitled "Getting Your Children Sober" (an offshoot from the GTS books), so I'm guessing that would be a great start....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My heart really goes out to you; drug and alcohol addiction always involves so much heart break! I can certainly understand that he hurt your feelings by talking so unacceptably to you.
Here's what I've learned in my own recovery. I have begun to realize in my own life that I may get mad at point XY or Z, but if I look closely 9 out of 10, I initiated the action. So, often to really figured things out I need to look back at point A, B, C. Here's a quick, even almost trivial example, but believe me I do kind of thing ALL the time.
Recently, I VOLUNTEERED to do a friend a favor. I said, "Why, don't I come help you..." Then, when I got there and she wasn't ready + favor took 3x as long as I thought it would + I missed my bed time, I got MAD AT HER. My thoughts went like this, "Here, I volunteered to help and she wasn't even ready. And, she really wasted my time, etc., etc. Boy, was I steamed.
THEN, I took a minute to back and realized. My friend never asked for help; I volunteered! Furthermore, _I_ wasn't clear with her about any time limits. Nor, was _I_ assertive when I realized the activity was running longer than I thought. I realized being mad at her was one option, but it really shifted my focus from me to her. Shifting my focus back to me, helped me see how I could really take care of myself regardless.
I can't tell you HOW MANY times this scenario has played out. I step in to be "helpful" and then am PISSED and, in my case, act like a martyr, when it doesn't work out. The phrase, first time you're a victim, second time you're a volunteer finally made sense to me!
I am a mother of two grown sons, ages 31 and 32. I can imagine how heart wrenching it is for your son to treat you this way.
One thing I have learned, and this doesn't just apply to alcoholics, is that when a person is vile towards another, that person is reallly hurting inside , therefore, to not take what was said or done to me personally. It took me a long time to realize this. But through a lot of soul searching and educationing myself through reading and counseling I am able to walk away from negative comments and behaviors of others without emotional bruises. Oh, I slip up. But not nearly as often, and when I do slip, I quickly recover.
I agree with the others: Educate yourself on alcoholism. Toby Rice's book would be a great start. Also, look for Al-anon meetings in your area. Do your son a big favor: begin taking care of you. In time, you will understand how important it is to do so. Everyone benefits.
And hey, if he can get to a friend's house to party, he can get to the grocery store by himself, too.
For me, once my boy was in his early twenties, I told him he needed to go out and find his own way.
HE did. He would not take anything from me, he wanted to do it on his own.
We go thru hard patches still, but one thing I learned was, when I do mother things for him, it takes away his own power to take care of himself. We bumped heads about the profanity thing. I stood up for me and made a boundary that I am his mother and I will be treated with respect.... period. Some time went by and we were ok again, and he is very careful in how he talks to me, and treats me.
We have to teach others how we want to be treated. They don't necessarily know. Some people use profanity all the time. It is no big deal, but I make it known pretty quickly I am uncomfortable hearing it.
I also have very deep set feelings about not wanting to hear joke about people of color, blonds,rednecks etc. I make it known.
It is very hurtful isn't it when our kids pull that behavior. A or not, for me it is not acceptable.
Hon another thing is for me, I learned not to expect anything from anyone. I don't trust or distrust. If they show up great, if they are there great. If not, oh well. I know it sounds wierd, but since I learned not to have expectations of anyone, except myself, my life has been so much easier and I love others so much more.
If I want to be close to people, I accept them as is. If I can't then I don't keep them in my life.
Also I have found life is hard, so many pressures, I mess up, so I guess I want others to forgive me, and not get upset. It is nothing personal if I am late or forget. Also sadly your son is very sick. He has the disease of alcoholism. I am sure he did not even think of his mom or anyone the night before. I had to learn not to take things personal.
I always say I believe it has to be the hardest thing to have your children being A.
Hope I am making some sense here.
If it had been me, I would have not gone over if he was not answering his phone and would just go about my day. When he called, just say sorry you were not there, would have liked to see ya.
He knows what it takes to get food, he can get food stamps, go to a food bank. All I know is my experience my dear sister in alanon. Because of not buying him food or anything, my son now is a wonderful man.
Your son knows where AA is. Another thing too, him being A, if he figures it out early if he spends his money on dope, he won't have food, not paying the rent he has no place to live, etc. the sooner he will fall on is face and have to pull himself back up. When we help an A, our child or husband or wife etc, we make things easier for them to use.
I care about you and your son. HOpe you keep coming back. much love,debilyn
Glad you found your way home!! There are tons of suggestions that are yours for the using from the present day to however long the responses to similar post have been made available for us to use (tks John)...You are not alone and if you are willing you can change your situation. Whether your son changes is totally between he and his higher power which ever one he is using right now. Things seem good hp is the booze...things go bad and some alcoholic cry out "God help me!!" You are not his higher power. You didn't cause his problem, you can't control it and you can't cure him from it. Another sober program working alcoholic might...just might. An early sponsor taught me that "xxxx you!!" are just words. Was I going to let just words hurt me? Of course he knew that they came from my alcoholic also and that I was very very addicted to her and was trying to offer my entire life up for her and then he just focused me on the words and it helped alot. Yes things continued to be nasty with us but the words didn't hurt near as much before I got the lesson and started working it. When I was a substance abuse counselor if any of my clients shouted that to me I use to be able to have a couple of large cops in the group room in short order because the words are considered threatening. Lots of room for response huh?
You are qualified to be here and in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. You can get more help than you can ever imagine from the face to face meetings and this 12step spiritual (not religious) program. It has helped many find peace of mind and serenity. Get as much literature as you can and read it all. Alot of it is without charge and all of it is enlightening and helpful for me anyway. The program saved my life and my sanity and probably reduced my own counseling expenses by thousands. LOL
Go to your local phone book and look up the hotline number under Al-Anon or The Al-Anon Family Groups and get to a face to face meeting as soon as available. Plan to commit yourself to as many as you can over a 90 day period of time and go early, sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice.
Hi roxy , alcholics don't care about much of anything except thier next drink , that is the disease. if u want respect your going to have to set some boundaries and stick to them , saying NO and giving in just dosen't work. Please if your not already going to meetings f2f find some and learn all u can about this disease and what it is doing to you . until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will ever change , nothing changes til Someone changes and if u wait for him to change it's gonna be a long time . buying groceries for a 24 yr old is enabling , unless of course he is handicapped and cant work , he has to suffer the concequences of his own behavior before anything improves and as long as u continue to rescue him that is not going to happen . I was to told to step aside so God could get at him . good luck rox I know your hurting but u have choices to contine doing for him what he should be doing for himself or step aside and allow him the dignity to grow up. Louise
