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My A has been sober since mid-April and is almost halfway through a 6 month rehab program.He has been working a "get well" job but looking for something more permanent.Since he hasn't been working long, hasn't been getting 40 hours, and doesn't make much money, he hasn't been paying child support - and haven't pushed for it.
I have sole custody of our three kids and visitation is at my discretion.The kids want to see daddy, so I make it happen.He can't drive and he can't come here (we live with my mother and he's not allowed here), so I take the kids and we plan to do something together.Now that they're back in school, he's had to ask for a weekend day off so we could do just that.
One of the things that I truly couldn't stand about living with an active A is the lying.I truly believe he didn't do it with malice - he just was incapable of telling the truth.As the years went on, he would lie about anything and everything.He couldn't just call in sick - there had to be a back story - I can't believe how many times he told people I was sick and had asked him to stay home to take care of the kids.Meanwhile, of course, he was the one sleeping off the hangover. While looking for a job now, he claims he was a "stay-at-home dad" while I supported the family with my home-based business (oh, how I wish I was earning enough to do that!)He knows exactly how I feel about lying - and so do my children. My five-year-old understands that a lie is going to get her a time out. Break my trust once, and it is going to take a long time to earn it back.Lying is not acceptable.
Today he tried to rationalize the latest lie. He lost his job "a couple weeks ago" whatever that means.He lost his temper and got into an argument with someone at work.He didn't tell me, because he "didn't want me to worry about him". (I'm not.)And he told me that he didn't really lie to me, he just didn't tell me.All I had to say was a lie of omission is still a lie.
I'm not obsessing about this, and I'm not upset, actually (which kind of surprises me!)He has a quick temper, and he is not the type of person who works well in a retail-type environment.I think I expected he would lose this one sooner or later. and it doesn't really affect me.He has to take care of himself; it's not my job.What bothers me is the lying.I guess it's part of the disease.But I will not whitewash, condone nor excuse it.And I think I made that clear today without being mean or vindictive about it.
My feeling, the lies are part of the self loathing of the A - he's lying to himself as much as to other people. If he tells the truth, he has to FACE the truth.
As long as you are not depending on him for anything, his lies don't have to affect you. You are not going to get him to stop lying - you can only set boundaries to protect yourself. If you are worried about exposing your kids to the lies - maybe, if they are old enough, this is a lesson in how lying erodes trust. "We love dad but we can't trust him". Kids of alcoholics have to learn the hard lesson, earlier than other children, that the behaviour of others does not reflect their own worth. It's a good lesson, even though it's hard.
(((((lmw))))) so glad your here! i agree., lying , no matter the form, is unacceptable. i also have to say that i agree with lin that the alcoholic is also accepting the lie for him or herself as they are unable to face the truth. they do not want to be told or have to face that they themselves are in the wrong. proudly, today i can say i no longer point that out to my ah. (no longer respond) it would only start another fight or give him more reason to proove he was right. as i understand now., my responding would show him he was not in control. the need for control and the lying go hand and hand.... i hate both.
will keep you in thoughts and prayer for guidance, for strength to keepyour focus on you (and working your program) and the children. the family. the home. for me, itwas the reality is that our children will grow up and are able to move on (move out) with their lives. i pray this is a learning experience for them too (for your children) to be stronger than what they are having to witness ... of the drinking, the domination and control issues and the lying. that they will make a promise to themselves to not drink or do drugs because they have seen first hand what it can and does do to a persons way of thinking. and that like you... know that lying, no matter the form of it... is unacceptable.
hope to see ya in chat or, maybe sometime in the future, at an online meeting in the chatroom. if interested, just click on the upper left top of the alanon homepage for meeting times ))
I have come to this realisation myself about A's and liars in general. I mean, once you lie about something so simple or seemingly insignificant, it makes you think, 'they must lie about everything'.
I no longer trust people just b/c they haven't lied to me yet. Now I work the other way, when ppl deserve and earn my trust, I give it to them. It is a way of self-protection for me, something I am new at.
I too cannot stand lying but I find that people outside of the program, just normal everyday ppl, telling their lil white lies on their resume's and daily affairs, think there is nothing wrong with it. For a while I was really sad and frustrated with the world over it, wondering if there was another honest person for me to date! anyway, that's my problem... .
I heard in one of my first open AA/NA mtgs that 'if an A's lips are moving, they're lying'. Well, I'd like to think that in sobriety and recovery this is not true but brutal honest is not for the weak. I am always cautious around an A, I watch what they do, don't accept their pretty words but sit back and watch behavior.
I was also less easily hurt when I started to develop some inner boundaries. Like I don't have to be upset just b/c my loved ones are having a bad day. It doesn't have to shatter my world when they disappoint me either, I can think, they're human, maybe it will get better (change) maybe it won't. I am now working to look to myself in these affairs, remembering I need to be selfish and put myself first... that is what helathy people do (not to the extreme but in a balanced sort of way).
Sadly, in my experience and mind, once a liar, always a liar, why should I expect anything different, just b/c I have been known to change, it's not easy and I cant expect others to be able to do it.
Lin is so tright, when you are honest, you have to face reality and own up to responsibility, that is not easy.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The A who I was with did that all the time. The irony was that he was totally unsympathetic of any work problems I had. I listened year in year out to his stuff.
Well, they lie to everyone and not just us. To save face, to manipulate, and half the time I don't think that my AHsober knows he is lying. He does lie by ommission. But I think the one that bothes me the most is that he said I love you.
I remember going thru that phase also and asking the question, "why does she lie?" What I remember more was getting the question back, "why do you lie?" When I looked at what I was feeling when I was lying I came to understand the similarities. I was fearful mostly of__________, fill in the blank. When I understood why she lied and I lied it left me with taking care of my own character defects. After that I expected her to lie regardless of whether she would be caught in it or not and I also expected that sometimes she would be truth telling. To avoid confusion I learned to ask her, "Is that the truth or are you lying?" I could usually tell from her response or reaction to that question what to believe or not. It's work and with a recovery program it usually disappears and becomes unnecessary. One day at a time.
I believe that lying is part of their disease. In a million years when Tim was sober, he would never dream of lying to me. Put a bottle in his hand, well let's just say he was very creative! We had no secrets. There wasn't anything we couldn't talk about.
I know he was ashamed when he relapsed. It was so hard for him to tell me. (I knew.) I think it was harder on him because we knew each other so long. Long before the disease reared it's ugly head. Long before he knew he had an issue with it. He barely touched a drop in college. He was a late blooming alcoholic. So I learned never to trust the disease and all that went with it. But I trusted this man with my life. That never wained. Trust the person, never the disease. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
as they are unable to face the truth. they do not want to be told or have to face that they themselves are in the wrong. 
i pray this is a learning experience for them too (for your children) to be stronger than what they are having to witness ... of the drinking, the domination and control issues and the lying. that they will make a promise to themselves to not drink or do drugs because they have seen first hand what it can and does do to a persons way of thinking. and that like you... know that lying, no matter the form of it...
is unacceptable.
if interested, just click on the upper left top of the alanon homepage for meeting times 
Your So Worth IT:)))