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Hi Guys I'm confused and need some insight into my situation. As I've said in my previous posts my Abf has recently gone into rehab, he was advised about being in a new relationship whilst newly clean and sober, this caused us great anxiety and we had spoken about it in depth. It's been an upsetting time, the good news is tho he's doing really well with his steps and I've been looking at 'my side of the street' and working on that. When I last spoke with him on he phone we were ok, althouh he was talking about advice he'd been given and what others thought of our situation. One group member told him that 'he needed to close all the back doors he was leaving open'whatever that means.
Well I got a letter off him, it's a very cold and short letter, stating he doesnt think I should write or phone him any more as its not good for him right now, he said that when he spoke with me on the phone it started up all those feelings in him?? and that he cant afford to be codependant on anyone but himself. He has to focus on his recovery and he's sorry if I think he's hurt me?? He said he has to close all 'these back doors' that he's leaving open for himself. He closed the letter with I'll leave you for now once again sorry.
am I being stupid here?? because that doesnt sound like my bf, I 100% want him to focus on himself I 100% will stand aside for his recovery I will do anything to help him I just dont get what is going on here. We had a life together and a good healthy friendship, I've never drank or been an addict, I dont get what he means by this back door thing, I'd never lead him into stuff . Sorry to put all this on you guys, I cant ask my bf the million questions that are in my head as I'm respecting his wishes and will not contact him even though I am devasted and miss him so much. I should of been visiting him tomorrow, now I'm just at a loss. I know he loves me and I know he wouldnt want to use me in any way. So why the cold, cruel letter?? There's that word again WHY
To me the expression "closing the back doors" would mean that if I wanted to change my lifestyle, to rid myself of something I no longer want (ie...drinking, drugging, etc) I need to make a fresh start. If I allow myself the luxury of thinking I can continue to hold on to the things in my life that are associated with my unwanted behavior, that it will make it that much harder if not impossible to stop doing it.
I have heard many AA speakers talk about having to give up their old way of life. That included people, places and things that were associated with their drinking...at least until they were well on their way on their recovery journey.
No judgements from me on this....just telling you what I think the expression means. Hope it helps you to understand.
((((((Carol)))))). Hang in there and keep coming back!
Again this is their experience strength and hope, his and yours. Call them wills if you want. They will that he will follow the program as administered. He wills that he get the program so that he no longer drinks or uses in the future and you will that he gets it and won't stand in his way while he is trying to get it at the same time willing that you and he will get back together again. They are willing that he doesn't try to deal with anything other than his program for now while he wills that the whole process get simpler and not so over whelming and it goes around and around and around until? The "back door" metaphor is escape routes back into the drinking using world. Thoughts, feelings, actions, people, places and things all can be "back doors" or justifications to leave recovery whether it is rehab or meetings. The family and friends suffer as a result of the drinking and the using and also suffer because of the changes that are demanded of the addict/alcoholic while in recovery.
Best suggestion I have ever seen that worked is for the family and friends to adopt an attitude of detachment (letting go and letting God), patience and jumping into their own recovery with both feet.
Some changes we elect to make because we feel we must or we go crazy or die. Other changes are enforced upon us as a result of other things. It took me a while to learn how to stand quietly still and practice patience and acceptance and to work my own version of the AFG program. For me the last example worked the best and what I have as a result of that has become priceless, worth more than anything I had or thought I had or thought I would have with the alcoholic.
You can take care of the confusion with acceptance and the loneliness with membership in the Family group and lessons on love of self.
The roller coaster ride sucks!! Sorry...it just does. However we can get off of it when it slows and sometimes stops rather than riding it until it crashes and burns.
When I first came here and really for a few years I was all "why" about the ex A's behavior. Why why why why why was my constant refrain.
I'm not sure the A knew why. I do know that eventually he dug a hole for himself he could not get out of.
I was stuck to him like superglue.
Al anon gave me a lot of tools to give up the "why".
I went into what Canadian guy calls the what. If you have not done so already please consider Canadian guy's kind offer of a copy of Getting them Sober. That book answers an enormous amount of questions. I have given up the "why".
I feel your pain. Once when we were in a similar situation my bf distanced himself from me and drew closer to some unhealthy friends.
I handled this wrong by trying to reason why, crying, begging him to explain when there were no rational explaination.
I would have had a better sense of self and more peace if I would have been able to accept that the only answer to my whys was
Because he is an alcoholic... or because he is hurting, scared etc. Like an animal that bites a helping hand because he is scared.
So I encourage you to take this time to really focus on you, detach and if you can be stronger than I was two things will likely happen
1, no matter if he "wants you back " later or not you will have spent your time wisely and grown and be healthy.
2. Maybe you will not want him back and you will be in a better place to move on and take care of you and enjoy your life.
either way taking care of you, enjoying life etc will benefit you in the long run and right now.
Remember he is the one struggling... let him... he needs to to grow... I think if we contantly reach out to them ask them why... reasure them how much we love them etc... it somehow keeps them from feeling the pain they need to feel to force them to associate with their real feelings and needs, I know in my case if he can keep my head messed up somehow this feeds his need not to look at his own actions and feelings?
