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Please bere with me as I am having a really hard time. My family says my exbf wants me to think down on myself. Wants me to feel all the blame. Wants me to doubt myself. I know I was getting stronger because I wouldn't take some of the downing comments he used to say to me like "you have no friends". I would stick up for myself. But I do doubt myself. I remember what he said to me. How he'd look so rigtous (sp?) standing there telling me he wouldn't put himself in a drinking position during this hungting season. And how he wasn't drinking. It's like in my mind I know all the stuff that wasn't right, like him not really looking for a job, etc. But in my head I could have dealt with that stuff as part of the "maybe thats all he could handle right now, just not to take another drink". So it makes me think, why couldn't I have just let him hang with his friends and not care about it? Maybe if I just did that and let him figure it out for himself...maybe I interferred in something I should have just let go. But then I think...I didn't trust him with his friend, thats why I was so insecure with it. I didn't trust that my bf would stick up for me with his friend. But my bf would say, "but I am not drinking now". Like that just takes everything in the past away. And he said about the best friends girlfriend about the flirting and sexual comments made there that "I was drunk that night". I told him it was more than a nights incident, but I guess that didn't register. He was just being social. Its like I am battling myself. I see all this stuff that he did wrong, that raised red flags with me, but I guess I believe I wasn't really working my program if I just didn't let him do what he wanted in regards to his friends. So I did stress him out and make him sick like he said, is what my brain is thinking. My mom says this is exactly what he wants me to think, because he doesn't like me stronger. I just don't see that yet. I just really struggling with guilt I guess. I am trying to work my program and read, go to my meetings. I just think on my side everyone is telling me he did this wrong and he did this, but I keep thinking of what he told his friend. He told his friend "it isn't fair. I stopped drinking and she wants me to change again, and she is stressing me out...it's like living walking on eggshells". And of course the people on his side are agreeing with him, yeah you can't live like that man. I just hate it. I wish my brain would just get to the point where I can just get mad and say I don't need this!!! Takes time I guess. The guilt is the worst for me.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard to loose the person you love. I made the same mistakes early on with my A's recovery. I realized it wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was his disease that I didn't trust. I had to learn how to detach. Detachment is one of the strongest tools we have in our Alanon toolbox. It's also one of the hardest to learn.
You have two choices right now. Either you can beat yourself up (and we all do this) and continue to feel miserable or you can decide that what's done is done. You can refocus all that negative energy and put it to use in a positive way. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he choose sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life, and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. You can do this. It takes work and dedication. I know you have it in you. I've seen you do this before. You've hit a rough spot. But you will get through it. Please go back to your face to face meetings. You will find that you are not alone in this. Others have done exactly what you and I have. We've come through it. So can you. Let him work on his recovery and focus on yours. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I lost track of the times I beat myself up, over and over and over.
Whenever I find myself starting to click into 'analyze' mode over what someone else is/isn't doing, has/hasn't done, I remind myself I am cheating myself out of living in the moment and doing what I need to do for me.
Just keep plugging away, one minute at a time.
I pray that you find the peace of mind and self-love that Alanon has helped me find in my life! ((((hugs))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Dear mslouise, Your story is my story. Our families have supported us with the same words. However, I didn't know what to do with that information, just like you, I believe. My family is not in a program of recovery.
What I'm identifying with, is the disease in both of you. His disease wants to believe that his drinking was the only problem and that when he doesn't drink, there should be no problem... and of course if there is a problem, it's all your fault. So classic. They never want to take responsibility. Of course, in recovery, we learn, there are all kinds of -isms that go along with the disease. Alcohol is but a symptom of the true problem.
And your disease is telling you that "geez, I didn't trust him and since he's not comfortable with that, maybe we would be together if I didn't complain so much.... but I didn't trust him... but I should have"... round and round and round we go.... Our disease has us second-guessing all our decisions, all our actions. We buy into their accusations... we fear what they're telling "everyone"... even though everyone they surround themselves with is sick too.
Well, in recovery, I've learned to be honest with myself. I did play a part. My part is, I did indeed try to control the situation. The situation was not to be trusted, his behavior stirred insecurity in me. However, I didn't know I didn't have the power to control it, and I did some crazy things trying to control it. My life became unmanageable, really and truly. I forgive myself, I knew only what I knew at the time.
My A wanted me to believe that his flirting with women was "just his personality"... This was what made him so successful in his career. Nevermind that it was painful to me, I just needed to get on board and understand HIM. He always made me feel like it was a defect of mine... not letting him be who he was. Do you see the manipulation?!
My relationship crumbled when I came to al-anon. As I began to find my voice, and stopped accepting all the blame... his manipulations stopped working for him and he simply lost control of me. Of course, he claims that it was just the opposite, that I had become controlling because I had set boundaries to take care of myself. Whatever... His story, my story. He's got his support group, all drinkers. And, I have a loving, merciful HP and a program of recovery.
In the beginning, I immersed myself in this program... went to as many meetings as my schedule permitted and read as much literature as I could... got a sponsor, used all the tools. Al-anon became my full-time obsession. I believe I made this choice because I was at my bottom, I came crawling into the doors of al-anon. I wanted to change. My sponsor recently told me that she's never seen anyone pull through a divorce as "gracefully" as I did. My co-workers wonder why I am not angry and bitter. All I can say, is that HP is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. In this program, I discover the REAL TRUTH. And it no longer matters what my A thinks.
Many blessings.
-- Edited by glad lee at 10:06, 2008-09-20
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you so much. I do think I really would like a sponser. But I just have not meet who I would like to ask. I have heard of on-line sponsers. Do they have those here?
I find that when I am hurting or having a decision that someone else that I don't like imposed upon me, I question myself. Though it is important to question ourselves (because in a relationship each party does have a part in it), it is often self-defeating and doesn't get us to acceptance. Acceptance of many situations in our lives is difficult.
The below (from Melodie Beattie) may answer some of the questions that you have about your BF. Perhaps he was letting you do the dirty work. This may or may not help you as you process.
yours in recovery, Maria
Ending Relationships by Melody Beattie
It take courage and honesty to end a relationship -- with friends, loved ones or a work relationship.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risking ending it.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take resonsiblity for ending the relationship.
We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don't want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.
Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.
As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.
We are not sparing the other person's feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the discomfort -- for the other person and ourselves.
If we don't know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.
If we know it is time to end a relationship, we can say that.
Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness or lying about what we want and need to do.
Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time.
If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.
Today's reminder: Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Fact: You have the right to stop the crazy making. Fiction: It's your fault he does what he does. Fact: Their disease wants you to believe you caused this. Fiction: That you cause or control their behaviors. Fact: With friends like his, who needs enemies. Fiction: They have the right to take our inventory. Fact: This should have, would have, could have is insanity. Fiction: If you would have could have or should differently it would be better. Fact: This program works. Finding healthy people to talk to gets us out of stinking thinking. Fiction: You can make sense of the nonsense. Fact: Your instincts are a gift to guide you when you see and hear red flags. Fiction: It's just being social to talk and listen to sexual comments. Fact: Alcoholics have trouble taking responsiblity for their actions. Fiction: Running these examples over and over in your mind will give you peace. Fact: You have a choice to get healthy. Fiction: Getting healthy means giving into his friends, choices and lies. Fact: You have a right to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Fiction: Maybe you need to lean in the direction of believing the lies. Fact: This disease disguises itself by speaking through our loved ones faces. Fiction: Things will change if nothing changes. Fact: You are worthy of better. Fiction: You don't deserve better. Fact: Getting a sponsor does wonders for our mental health. Fiction: You can figure this all out on your own. Fact: You deserve so much better.
I beat myself up a lot for not seeing the red flags. Now I do see them it isn't necessarily that I can do anything about them. We are not after all all-powerful are we?
You could not "fix" your boyfriend but you can fix yourself.
I tend not to talk to too many people anymore about my relationships. I used to talk to every-one literally every-one.
Hope you will take care of yourself. You are doing that by coming here.
I know, I wish I could give you a big hug. I have been where you are. And occasionally I go back there. In fact I brought this up as a topic tonight. Feeling wholly responsible for other people's choices. I think that goes under Step One. I am powerless over others. I hate that. I still feel like if I had said/done,been the right thing I could have kept my ex from being an alcoholic. I could have made him be a good dad. I was not that powerful.
The grief that comes with a breakup is real and you need to mourn and you should. It is good and healthy to grieve. But let me remind you again, he is sick. Doesn't matter if he hadn't had a drink in a few days, he is an alcoholic and the disease is more than just picking up a drink. The absolute best thing you can do is pick yourself up and keep living your life. I know it is hard, I know. But it does get better. It really does. Keep posting and remember you are not alone.
