The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am very sad, very angry. My soberbf left me on Monday. From my previous post, you can see we have been struggling lately since he got laid off his job 4 weeks ago. Before he got laid off we were talking about marriage (we even got joint checking account which I would have never done if I didn't feel right about it), but then when he stopped working, things went downhill fast. He did not put any effort into looking for a job. He started talking and hanging out with his friend more. This is the friend that we have had issues with. His attutide lately was his friend first and then family even though he said that wasn't true. If he had put family first, he would have been looking for a job more. I know that him talking to his friend made me anxious (because I didn't trust his friend - he bascially wanted me out of the picture). My bf annouced that at the beginning of the hunting season, he would be going hunting with this friend every sat from am to pm. I didn't have a problem with him going hunting, I figured it was part of his therapy for him. But I did have reserves about him hanging with this friend so much, but I said fine. Well, then he started to say things like, I might spend the night 1 or 2 times at friends house (which I asked him why he would have to do if he wasn't drinking and he agreed), and then this past weekend I know the friend was pressuring him to come by with the friend's girlfriend there (which he agreed he would not go hunting or hang out with her because of past issues and he knew it would bother me). He agreed for months we talked about it, and he said it was no big deal. But when push comes to shove he can't stand up to his friend for me. His friend basically has been pushing the "hang out with me and my girlfriend" thing. So the story has changed from my bf saying he will do one thing to saying he will do another thing. Like he said to me the other day, after I know his friend called, "why can't I go hunting when she (the best friends girlfriend) is there? Anyways, I thought he really understood why I these people were emotional triggers for me. I wasn't asking him to stop hunting or to stop seeing his friend, just that it would take me some time to trust this situation again and to give me some time. Well, I guess that was too much to ask. He went hunting in back of the house on Sunday and took his phone. He didn't text me (red flag) while in the woods, which he always does. Then when he got home he was very quite and I just knew something was not right, but I told him I loved him and we went to bed. In the morning, I just had a bad feeling. I had a gut feeling something was not right. So I looked in his phone (I know this is bad, but I just felt so strongly something was not right). Apparently when he was in the woods, he called his friend and the reply I found on the phone from his friend was this "It ain't fair, she is trying to change you so it is convient for her. I hate it for you cause its hard, but you can't live life stress free in a relationship that is insecure. it won't work and you will always be missriable." What good friend would say that to a person! - telling you that you that if you stay with your signifigant other you will be missarable. To me that is big nerve! So the friend wrote this in the pm and my bf moved out as fast as pie in the am. But it hurts too, becuase obviously my bf told his friend that I was insecure, controlling etc. Which is not true. Plus don't forgot my bf made the "I can handle a few drinks here and there now". I think he just bascailly wanted to have his fun for the hunting season and do what he wanted to do. But it hurts bad, that he could just act totally different a month ago and act lately like he really understood my stuff and after all I have done for him he couldn't do stand up for me with his friend at all. I feel used. There have been a lot of other red flags with him over the past 4 weeks, but this was my biggest issue. Its sad. And he blamed me for everything of course, but I wouldn't let him do that anymore. I have been standing up for myself lately. But it does make you doubt yourself, and I have been wondering if I should have just let him do whatever he wants, but is that fair? This is the part of the program that I just don't understand. Was it my fault? I know it was my fault that I looked in his phone, but I just didn't want to stand by and let things happen behind my back. I really felt like something was wrong he just wasn't acting the same these last 4 weeks, but I hope it wasn't my fault that he left - I know I am not perfect but I also know I have been doing good for myself lately? I am very sad and confused???
When my then wife left me, I wanted to figure it out too. I wanted to assign blame. Was it her fault? Was it my fault? What percentage was mine/hers? What I finally figured out was that it wasn't really anybody's fault. It just was what it was. She made a decision to do what she thought was the best thing for her.
No amount of my understanding or not understanding changed anything.
Sometimes what we know is a good thing for us, such as setting boundaries, is seen as manipulative and controlling by others. It is judged as being not about the person who is setting the boundary but as about the people around them. Sometimes when we start standing up for ourselves and we start changing the people in our life don't like it. My being honest about my feelings with someone doesn't make that about anybody but me. Someone else making a decision to do something for themself that effects me (such as ending a relationship) is not about me...it is about them.
When I look at my own part in my past relationship I can see how I often chose the easier path rather that the path that was right for me and that in the end it hurt me. This gave me understanding and some relief, because I knew I could also apply that to my ex partner's actions. I wasn't making those decisions to hurt the other person just the opposite most of the time. But they wound up hurting me and by doing that hurting the relationship as well.
After I had been in the program for a couple of years, about a year and a half after my divorce was final, I was asked a question by someone in program. They asked me if I all I had to do to get my ex-wife back into my life was go back to being the person I was before al-anon would I do it? I thought about it. Probably the most attractive part of that idea was not having the ex back but having my two step sons back into my life. But I realized that I really like who I am now. I really like my way of life now. The friends I have, the serenity and peace I feel. And the answer to the question was no. I would not trade who I am and who I am becoming for another person. I also came to understand that I am a good person. And that I have always been a good person, doing the best I can at any time.
The 3 c's apply to more than just another person's alcoholism.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
"I know I am not perfect but I also know I have been doing good for myself lately" I am sorry you are hurting and confused. I understand the feelings you are having all too well. And it sounds cliche at a time like this, but use this time to focus on yourself in a good way! I can tell you from my own experience that after the wife left I dove into my program with both hands, feet and anything else I could wrap around it.
At first it just got me thru the day. After a while it made the day worthwhile.
Focus on doing good for you mslouise. Showing yourself and the world the beautiful child of God you are. For me, that is when my life started being what I want it to be.
I'm so sorry for your pain. As I was reading your post, the words to a Beatle's song came running through my mind: Let it Be.
I have found that when I do not understand something, for example, a person's choices, to let it go. Mulling it over in my head drove me nuts. I also have found that many times the answers reveal themselves in time. Some questions are still unanswered, and I have learned to accept this.
My current situation with my soberAH is somewhat shaky. I know very well that he could relapse at any time. I could worry about it; I could also wonder about all the whys of his not really diving into the program AA has to offer (he only attends 2 meetings per week). But I don't, because worry and wondering is futile.
What I now do is look after myself. I exercise, eat right (most of the time), get enough sleep, read books to help foster a positive attitude, nurture outside relationship, as well as the relationship with my husband, and many other things that make me feel good about myself and the world.
Unlearning conditioned patterns of thinking takes awareness and then a lot of taking one step forward and sometimes 3 steps back, over and over again. But it is so worth it. I can't begin to tell how worth it is!
Get on the path of focusing on what you can control: you.
Of course it is not your fault. We have no control over what another person does or does not do. Even if they choose to blame us, it is ridiculous, how can we have any power over another? We all make our choices.
I am much happier when I give up, let go and realize ppl will do what ever they want and so should I.
I have tried to talk to and appeal to A's letting them know my feelings, why I'm so upst and hurt, expecting validation and understanding. A's can't deal with their own feelings, how can we expect them to be understanding or compassionately aware of ours? They simply can't do it. I spent YEARS giving myself to them over & over and expecting things to change. I finally learned that I was sabatoging myself be giving them sensitive information about my emotional well being. They take that info and use it against us, feeding off of our pain, confusion, guilt, fear & anger. It isn't safe for me to open my heart and soul to them. Some ppl don't deserve to know our intimate truths, as much as I want them to understand or love me back, I have to accept reality, let it go and move on to a healthier way, for me, I deserve more than abuse. We all do.
Take care of you!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I was reminded often that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck. it's a duck.
I know for me, it was so convenient for me to blame all my marital problems with the AH on his 'friends', those bad influences on his life.
The truth was, the AH was an active alcoholic, end of story.
For me to expect him to act normal, or to not listen to his friends, or to put family first, etc etc etc was insanity on my part and very wishful thinking.
Even when he wasn't drinking, he wasn't sober. Being dry does not equal recovery.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I feel for you, that pain in your heart is the worst, it really takes your breath away. The one thing that you have been fearing the most has happened, you could feel it and you sensed it coming. Now that it's happened was it worth fearing?? Dont let all the Why's drive you crazy, somethings just have no reason.
I remember reading a recent post of your's and it made me so happy because you had done so much good work for yourself, it was a joy to read. Keep going in that direction, you deserve to be happy.
Everyone here understands, reading the posts helps, they'll give you the inspiration you'll need to get through.
Sorry for your sadness.... I am reminded of wise words given to me by my sponsor, when it seemed that I was the ONLY one concerned about my exAW's drinking..... he said "of course she is mad at you - you are the one who is making it uncomfortable for her to drink!"
Your story appears similar..... your bf appears to have a desire to surround himself with people who will NOT hold him accountable, and (probably) who will welcome him to go back to drinking.... He doesn't sound sober at all.... in fact, he sounds on the verge of falling back into the cycle....
Hopefully his leaving is a blessing for you, in the long run.... Great time for you to dive into YOUR program right now....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you to everyone that replied. It means so much to me to be able to talk here. I did ok today. Still cried alot, and doubted myself alot - did I really make it harder for him, did I drive him away? I would never want to do anything to hurt him. But then I think of the hurt he caused me too. But I know this thinking is a waste of time. The hardest thing I did yesterday, was change my phone number. I don't think I was quite ready to do that as I did it in a mad moment and was really upset when that sank in, but I figure if he really loves me and gets better, than he knows where I live and he knows where I go to meetings. And he called me yesterday to tell me he is getting money out of the account and going hunting with his friend. It hurt. But I have a meeting tonight and will try to do good for myself. Thank you all very much.
Just like the gut feelings you had, I have gut feelings from your share. I can see you in a years time, happy with a worthy partner who respects you, loves you, cares to work on a relationship. You looking back on this telling your best girlfriend..."Can you believe I cried when such and such basically LEFT ME".
Sometimes blessings come in disquise. So glad to hear you are attending your meeting tonight. Sweetie, you only get one life too...may it be with someone who appreciates you for all you are now and all you become to be.
I haven't read thru all of the replies yet. I am so very sorry for the pain you are in right now. This too shall pass (I HATE it when people say that to me but it is true). I will bet you that as soon as hunting season is over he will be back on your door step. I would almost guarentee it.
Active alcoholics think of nothing but themselves and their addiction. That's it, that's all. And they are also HARD to get rid of. They leave and come back, they use the break up as a manipulation. They HATE it when we change, when we establish new boundries. So, they do whatever they can to get us to go back to the way we were.
I think it is great that you are looking at what your part in all of this may have been, but I don't see it. From your previous posts, it sounds like you were getting better, you were getting stronger in what you needed and what you wanted. That is positive. He saw it as negative. It was disrupting HIS "fun". He was being a selfish alcoholic. He will regret his decision. And as bad as you feel there is NOTHING you did wrong here. You explained your feelings, admitted your issues and expected him to care (maybe that was what you did wrong...expected him to care). And he said he did for as long as he needed to and then whne he saw his opportunity, he took off and it is all "your fault". Has NOTHING to do with you being emotionaly honest with him and him not being able to deal with that......noooo, it's just you being a bitch. HA!!!
I am sorry, but please do not feel that what he did to you was in any way justified. It is NOT your fault, there was nothing you could have done or said better. You are growing and learning and he isn't. It may be that your lives are going on different paths now. Good luck, feel those feelings. You will come out the other side stronger than ever.
The ex A who I was with regularly broke up with me when I tried to set limits with him. He had all kinds of friends and other people who were always far more important than me. I think they want life all on their terms and are not able to make the compromises necessary for a relationship. At the same time they want us around to call on when they need us. I would think now that was hardly a relationship. I put up with that for years. I was very attached.
Now I am not attached to the A. I have to say it was very very hard to "let go". There were times when I would have done anything to get him back. Indeed last summer I took care of him for 3 full months before I had had enough of his self destructive ways. They do progress in their illness. They do get worse.
I'n not going to say "good riddance" for you because of course you dont' feel that. I know when my relationship blew up I was so sad and angry and upset and very very lonely and quite lost. You do have this group to lean on. You can come here and talk about how you feel and what you need to do to take care of yourself right now.
Working your alanon program can save your life and your sanity. However, we can't promise that it will save your relationship.
Sometimes, you getting healthier drives the A away - it' s easier for him to live in his sickness when you are sick too. This is hard when it happens, but would you really rather be sick, and keep in a sick relationship? Remember, your goal is not to keep this particular boyfriend, but to become the happiest, healthiest you that you can be, living life to the full, without fear.
If both of you continue in your programs, who knows what might happen in the future, with a healthier approach from both of you.
Working your alanon program can save your life and your sanity. However, we can't promise that it will save your relationship.
Sometimes, you getting healthier drives the A away - it' s easier for him to live in his sickness when you are sick too. This is hard when it happens, but would you really rather be sick, and keep in a sick relationship? Remember, your goal is not to keep this particular boyfriend, but to become the happiest, healthiest you that you can be, living life to the full, without fear.
If both of you continue in your programs, who knows what might happen in the future, with a healthier approach from both of you.
Wo! Your post is GREAT! Just what I needed to read today! Thanks for the reminder.
Let me briefly explain: AH supposedly went to his AA meeting last night. Okay, he says he felt he needed to go to a different meeting, one he never went to before. He said it was horrible, but he didn't elaborate. I didn't ask him to......
Oops! I did say I'd be brief....
He came home a little later than usual for his Thursday night meeting, which sorta got my curiousity up, but no major concern. BUT...... here's the big red flag: he comes home and makes a beeline to bed, no saying good night, nada! Okay, I tell myself, something is up.
I go into the bedroom and I can tell instantly that he had been drinking. Nope, not just drinking, but DRIVING, too! *silent scream*
Well, I thought I finally learned not to confront a drunk. But I blew it last night, couldn't keep my mouth shut. I thinking it was the driving drunk thing that drove me over the edge. *Stuff* was said by the both of us that I'm sure we regret.
I've had the energy of a rag doll today. I've slept most of the day, on and off. Depressed.................Damn! Like a took a zillion steps backwards. Then, I finally got myself together (it's 3 PM) and the thought comes to me: if I had a better sense of who I am, his words last night would have not driven me to depression today. I wouldn't have entertained his words said last night ALL DAY LONG TODAY!
Then, just twenty minutes later, I open your post up and say, "Prayer answered!" I've sprung back! Depression lifted.
