The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had a grand time in Hawaii. He went. No drinking. Just loads of fun in paradise. I had made up my mind to give "us" another chance. But, the last few days he has been having, "a drink." A drink, keep in mind, is a half-pint of gin.
This evening I had a new friend in. SOmeone I liked instantly upon meeting, and was looking forward to the two of us forming a friendship. Well, A comes reeling through the front door completely wasted. Josette (new person) immediately made her excuses and took her leave. *Waving goodby to a really cool gal*
You can say if you wish that his behavior does not reflect upon me, but it DOES! If I had been in her shoes I would have carted myself out just as quickly as she did. Then A and I had it out. Well, I had it out actually. He says nothing when he is drunk except, "Well I'll leave tomorrow." I get so frustrated and angry I want to beat hell out of him with a big stick.
Please don't attempt to analyze me. Don't remind me of all the slogans and teachings of AlAnon that should keep me from behaving this way. Don't tell me not to take it personally. Don't tell me it's the disease talking. Don't tell me I need f2f meetings. Don't ask me what happened to the boundaries I set.
Just let me rant.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 23:12, 2008-09-17
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
One thing, your new friend did not walk away from you, but from His drunk behavior, as you well know. And if the situation were reversed as you said, you would have left...but not given up on your friend, right?
But go ahead and rant my friend. As long as you like. Rant yourself silly!
Sometimes I just gotta be mad myself. Even when I know it isn't really good for me....but sometimes the pressure just builds and I gotta vent! And the thing is, I am learning its okay to feel my emotions. I don't have to beat myself up and feel guilty about it. I don't have to think, (even though sometimes my little shitty committee upstairs wants tries to tell me "hey david, you been coming to alanon how long now? Over 4 yrs!!!! And you still slip!") I am human. And I am never going to be perfect.
I was likening myself to a pressure cooker last nite. Like my momma used to have with the little metal thingy on the top that jiggled when it was releasing pressure. I remember sometimes it would get stuck down or something and my mom would stomp the floor and it would get to jiggling again.
I am like that. If I don't let the pressure off constantly a little safe "jiggle" at a time it can build up to the point I blow the whole lid off my head!
Anyway, your post is entitled..."Back to step #1". Step 1 is a great place to be, everyday. So I applaud you my friend. For being you. For being human. For having anger and letting it out. For coming here and posting about it...to jiggle off a little more steam.
(( Diva )) I understand and relate to your feelings. Don't even consider having any second thoughts about the way you feel. A few weeks ago I took a 3-day a mini vacation from the Al-Anon program. The reason. Two good friends of my AW and I told me at different times that my AW had been telling numerous people in AA and outside AA that I have a terrible drinking problem, also I verbally abuse her. Both are the miles from the truth. Let me make it clearer, there is zero truth to what she told people. I could not defend myself or discredit what she had been telling others. Was I mad? No, hurt? Yes. Character is very important to me as it is to most. I have always tried to live my life in a manner to respect and treat others fairly. It is the way I was raised. It cut me so deep, but I made a decision not to mention a word to her about it. Still have not, and never will.
But, for three days I did not say to myself this is the disease I am dealing with. I did not use any of the slogans over and over as I normally do, or accept that I have no control over what someone else says or does, and all those other good tools I have learned in this program stayed locked in my tool box.
I vented to myself things like why do I stay in this marriage, or why would she be so diecetful to our close friends and her AA friends making these up lies about me? Is 16 years in this alocholic marriage enough? Do I want to live the rest of my life with and active AW? From Friday until Monday that 3-days I left my Al-Anon shoes under my bed. I took down my guard allowed myself to think. I allowed myself to dwell on all the problems alcohol had caused in my life. I had never considered a Plan B, so I made one.
I did not look back and enjoyed every minute of my 3-day mini from the program. I felt like I deserved it. On Monday night I was back to my regular meeting, on time, happy, and back on schedule. There had been nothing wrong with the way I had let my mind think all those bad thoughts, it had not poisoned my brain. It made me do some soul searching, which was something that was way pasted due. RLC
You have the right to your feelings. You have a right to be really angry and exasperated with seeing your big hopes dashed, and small joys too, even the simplest sweet joy of making a new friend.
You have every right to be tempted to smash things to pieces, to yell, to vent. You have every reason to look squarely into the depth of the problem.
And then, you have the power of the universe awaiting to align with you on your renewed journey to heal and grow in ever expanding love, peace, and absolute bliss. No blame, no shame, no guilt. Just love waiting for love, like the ocean accomodates all rivers, is one with them, and always has the capacity for more.
Been thinking about you these last few weeks and even tonight I was wondering how you were and where you were. Been away all of August, and then come back and had a fall and September has almost disappeared too, and still I missed you and was thinking of you in your new found 'paradise'.
No analysis from me, no slogans, no 'preaching' teaching or alanon, programme, boundaries, et al.
Sometimes all that is needed, is to know that you have been heard, that you are understood because others have been there too, and it helps to know that you stand, not alone, but surrounded by caring, loving, family who feel your frustration and anger and disappointment.
So sorry this happened. Take care of you for it is personal and has affected you deeply in your heart. Sending you my love and peace across the waves.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
This weekend I was with my family (mom, her b/f & her AH who was drunk) during the hurricane Ike here in Houston. I just wanted us to be together intimately & ride out the storm, naturally that didn't happen.
I am amazed at how deeply attached to the idea I can affect anyone positively or negatively, it's ridiculous! I wanted to "make" everyone's mood better! I am sucky at letting go and detaching, 23 yrs of alanon & I have to remind myself of my powerlessness constantly.
I sure understand & relate to your rage.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Ranting is good. So go right ahead and rant away. Feels good doesn't it? I think it is better than keeping it all bottled up sometimes. YOU GO GIRL! I don't loose it often, but when I do, boy does it feel good. It's liberating. I am sorry that this happened to you. I am thrilled that you had a great time in Hawaii. Perhaps another road trip is in the works? Alone? Hope you feel better soon. Love and blessings to you and your family. Love to the animals too.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can totally relate. My AH was sober for over 11 months and has drank during the last two weeks---- lying the entire time that he wasn't drinking. I feel for you and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Its so good to let your rants out or they build up inside and then you just want to kill him! I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know a daily glass of wine is good for the heart and I have also heard that a daily whine is good for the soul. Whine sounds negative and Rant sounds powerfully positive and quickly cleansing. I believe I am going for the daily serving of rant and give up on the sappy whining routine.
May I comment that I find your posts refreshing and self confident and healthy. But then encouraging too with your topic title: Back to step #1....
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
A heartfelt, "thank you" to all of you for your replies. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. There is no one else in the world to whom I can speak frankly as I do to all of you, knowing I will receive understanding and caring.
I am feeling better now. He is sober today. Maybe he'll be sober tomorrow. That's about all we can hope for them isn't it?
May all of you have a great day tomorrow.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can relate very much to the frustration. The A who I was with would often embarass and alienate people around me. Sometimes I would think it is often on purpose. I'm not sure anymore. I do know that he was incredibly self destructive and could turn on the charm one minute and be hopelessly exasperating the next. For me personally the damage over time was cumulative.
I can well understand you want to give him a "chance". I also understand loneliness and wanting to connect. Believe me I have been out there looking for people to date and I certainly do understand finding someone who you like, relate to and want to be with is not that easy. They don't just come knocking on the door.
I am glad you met a new friend. I think it shows that you can do that. I also know that its a very very good sign that your friend had boundaries. I always looked for people who were "lower companions" who would not judge or think badly of me if I were with an A.
You seem to be right on target with expressing your feelings and looking at where you are now.
Good for you. There is much "good" in your post, it isn't all negative. I see great progress there.
So go right ahead and rant away. 
Feels good doesn't it? I think it is better than keeping it all bottled up sometimes. YOU GO GIRL! 
I don't loose it often, but when I do, boy does it feel good. It's liberating. 
I am sorry that this happened to you. I am thrilled that you had a great time in Hawaii. Perhaps another road trip is in the works? Alone? Hope you feel better soon. Love and blessings to you and your family. Love to the animals too.
