After my last three or four posts I have spent some time going back over my earlier posts.  Unfortunately, as I changed my name the posts I started with in October of last year were not available to me, or leastways I was not successful in accessing them.

It was enough to go back to the beginning of Suzannah, to make me realise that I have grown, and yet I know I had grown when I changed from Heartbroken to Suzannah.  And as my Sponsor has said to me recently, Suzannah is a person, is a child of God (the God of my understanding that is) who loves and is loved. Heartbroken is a temporary condition changed by acceptence, forgivness and humility.  Pretty strong word to ponder upon, words that my Sponsor word and believed in and felt applied to me as the outsider looking in on me.  What a wonder, that is how I look to someone on the outside.  And you know what, I do have to agree, Heartbroken is  a temporary condition Suzannah is the person.

My sponsors last communications have also made me stop and really think and brought my honest thoughts and feelings and that is simply miraculous; why because I am comfortable with looking, thinking and sharing the darker side of me that is a part of me that I want to change and am willing to work at changing.  And I can honestly say it has made me really take a brutally honest assessment of why I have been thinking and feeling the way I have since I came back from my daughters at the end of August and after my fall on 1 September.

I understand, from my doctor, that I was in her opinion, experiencing delayed shock from my accident, and reactive depression from the events of August aggreivated by the pain I have been living with.  My expectations have been far too high and I have be tempted to run away and hide rather than admit that I needed to ask for help.

The inability to do things, and distract my thoughts has not helped either, however, since I took the courage to email my support group, I have been surprised at the responses that I have already received.

Today I went out to my Women's Group...I have not been able to attend that group since April when I started my Pain Management Programme, which ended just as the group broke up for the summer holidays and then being away in August at my daughters and then my sons meant that I missed the first two opening sessions.  However, I learned today that the group had been praying for me each week that they had met and I had not been able to attend and I was greeted with warmth this morning and hugged.

The feeling of arms physically wrapped around me in love and care was quite overwhelming be made me feel human again.

One member said that she was so struggling that she very nearly did not come to the meeting at all this morning, but when she saw me there she was uplifted.  I could tell she was very low and prayed with her and she said that although she felt her situation was nothing compared to mine, she knew that she was so near to tears and was afraid of crying and letting go of the emotions inside. 

I told her everything was relative and her situation was just as much in need of support as mine was, it was just different in nature and she did not have to confide any details it was enough to know that she had come and her presence was valuable to me.  ANd if she cried it did not matter because I had a box of tissues in my bag that she could share because just being hugged had already had me in tears and each tear felt like a pain released.  Truly I was delighted to see her and speak with her and cried with her in her sadness.  It was so lovely, and it took myself out of myself and gave me a sense of worth that I could comfort someone else and not just be isolated at home thinking of my own pain.

When I arrived back home another support team member had left a message to say he had never even thought about the isolation that I lived with every weekend and said that he would be only too pleased to take me out for a drive into the country, or into the woods if I was feeling able to take short walks when he had the time to do so.  He is a hard working young man and very long hours, but he has a heart of gold and a very caring nature.  I have known him for a number of years as a result of being in the same house group and I prayed with him for many when his mother was very ill.  Happily I can say she is in wonderful health now and her surgery was a huge success.

A second friend dropped by this evening and told me there was a lunchtime concert at the church tomorrow and felt sure that I would love it as it was a recital of harp and piano.  She is collecting me and arranging for a special low chair to be placed in the church for me and will drive me door to door.  It will last 45 minutes.  Just about as long as I can sit without being in too much pain.  How wonderful, I have missed the last session of concerts as I was not well enough to get there, sit through them and then make my way home again.

This evening I received a call from a third friend who told me that her 13 year old daughter wanted to talk to me.  When she came on the telephone she said that she would love to come over at the weekend and help me with any chores I felt were to difficult for me to do.  That one took my breathe away.

This child has problems at school and for some reason she has taken a liking to me and whenever she has come to visit with her mother - who has been changing my bed or sorting my laundry and ironing - has really opened up about her school problems and even started a daily journal of good things that have happen each day ( one of my suggestions to help her counteract the bad things that had been happening to her.) Wow.

Both her parents are delighted that she is talking about her problems and are delighted that she has connected with me.  I am delighted as it has given me a confidence that I do have skills to reach and connect with youngesters. (Something that had hit me hard after my recent experiences with my daughter's children.)

And that is all in ONE DAY.

I am so grateful, I am so happy, I am so amazed, I am so blessed.  If I had not taken the courage to think about Linn's  question, and actual ASK for the help and TELL the truth and admit my hard place, none of this would have happened.

Let go, Let God.

One day at a time.

It works if you work it.

WOW...how blessed am I?

Thank you family...you are all so very very special and I value each and every one of you.  Such a simple "...have you told your support group how you feel?..."  Well no I had not, so how could they know what I needed?

I hope this give sothers the courage to take that risk in bearing their soul and telling others what they need help with.  I am amazed by the responses I have received so far.

I am loved and I can give love to others.  That is so wonderful I have no words to describe the happiness I feel in that simple realisation and acceptance.
With love always
Suzannah