The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have this sort of situation, I don't think it's that uncommon, we can't live seperately for financial reasons. Or it at least complicates things.
I'm trying so hard to live my life like he is not a part of it. It's not that hard, I try to avoid any situation where I need him (child care, help around the house ect...). He lost his driver's liscence for 90 days (DUI). So today he asks me to take him to a doctor's appoitment in the morning. I do. After that he asks me to take him to his other doctor. I do. Then he asks me to take him to the store to drop off his prescription. I do. He tells me I can leave him there, he will walk home (about 2 miles).
I know he just wants to buy beer. His driver's liscence suspension has in no way limitted the ammount of empty bottles I find around the house. I tell him "you just want to buy beer" He says "NO!" and if that's what I think I can drive him back home to prove it. I say no, nevermind, he says no really. I say did you want a ride back the whole time? He says yeah.
Ugh. I just, I know I messed up. The hard part is tracking back where. I shouldn't have made the crack about beer. That's not my business anymore. But it is when I come home at 9am and he's laying on the couch with a beer. Maybe I shouldn't have took him to the doctor. But how can I say no?
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Detaching isn't that easy but somehow worth it. I don't live with my AHSober but I have set my mind to doing most things without him. Every offer of help from him is loaded-he's is a great guy and I am not a great woman. So I say no to him alot especially when he offer to help with problems that he created.
What a great way to put that! I've been trying to explain (to myself mostly) why it's bothering me so much that he's "being nice". He is constantly asking to do any favors and I just keep denying them. And sometimes I could really use an asperin or a cup of coffee. But allowing him to do that... it's like being in a holding pattern. I am so tired of it, we have been doing it for so long.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
For me, I think consistency is the key. I can't help one minute and say no the next. He made his choices, he needs to live with them. In my case, if I give AH an inch, he will take a mile. And of course, I never ask him for anything or accept any help from him at all anymore, cause it always got thrown up in my face. Now that my AH is sober for over 60 days, I can't fall back into the same old patterns either, so that's why I still remain consistent. If I don't, the day may come where I will kick myself in the butt. I've come too far to go backwards.
Hmmm.. .you say you are living in the same place, but separately...... and yet, he is having you chauffeur him around town like a taxi service..... that doesn't sound like something you would necessarily do for a stranger....
Not sure what the answer is, but it doesn't sound to me that he is feeling much of the consequences of losing his license..... HE got a DUI, so YOU have to drive him everywhere?? It doesn't add up.....
Maybe you can get to a place where you can/will drive him when it is not an inconvenience to you, but right now it sounds like there are expectations of you doing this, and that, in itself, would create resentments for me...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You know we all fall down sometimes. There is no perfect way to do this. I deal with others shortcomings all the time. Getting them Sober is a great great resource for this.
Of course since you are living in the same house there will be some overlaps. You have to work out your boundaries. You can take input from others but they are your boundaries and you can constantly adjust them.
For me, what I can do today is ok but circumstances change and I am not always able to do that same thing the next day.
And I have learned in Al-Anon that I do have the ability and freedom to change my mind regardless if anyone likes it or not.
Maybe I am able to provide transportation today, but tomorrow I am not. Maybe I wasn't able to stick to a boundary yesterday but tomorrow I will be able to.
Today I can accept a token of kindness from someone and not feel obligated to respond in anyway to "repay" that action. AND I can give kindness (without enabling) and not expect to be repaid with anything either.
That is some of my goals and plans of things to do in dealing with the loved ones in my life that are affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
HUGS to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
