The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm pretty new to AlAnon and loving the glimpses of serenity that I see.
So, for me, starting to work the program has meant creating some distance between myself and my husband. (He's not the A, my stepson is, but my H is an ACOA). Doing more of my own thing--feels good, but also lonely.
So I've started trying to reconnect with my H, but here's the thing. There's not much there. And today, when I invited him on a walk with me, he interpreted something I did (turning down a not-usual path) as meaning that I didn't want to walk with him, and he went off on his own.
In the past, I would have chased after him. But I didn't. I let him walk alone. And I also resisted the temptation to head right home and leave the key for him, so he could get back in the house if he got home before I did.
The first thing he said to me was, "Why did you walk away from me?"
This is typical of him. Taking everything very personally and interpreting my actions and behaviors in a negative light, then turning around and telling me that he did whatever because of something I did or said.
I told him I felt sad and hurt that we weren't able to do that one thing together (it's about the only thing we do together besides eat dinner and sleep in the same bed). His response was that he wanted to go on the walk with me. And then he just looked at me, in an aggressive "I can stare you down" kind of way. Nothing about the way I feel or the way he feels. He doesn't respond when I tell him how I'm feeling.
I'm going crazy trying to be in relationship with him. I was so clear about what I wanted -- to just spend time with him -- and now I feel iike he's gotten inside my brain and used an eggbeater on it.
For the first time this morning, I wanted to be ME more than I wanted to be married to him. That scares me, because I really, really don't want to be divorced twice. It was a rebound relationship, and the first nine years have been defined by my codependence. In the past, to spend time together, I did what he wanted to: went to bed when he was tired, watched whatever movie he wanted to, you get the drift. We even walk on only the paths in the park that he wants to walk on, because he can't stand other people.
So now I'm back to step one. I am powerless to control what he says or does. I am also really lonely, right here in my marriage.
Thanks for listening. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't come here and vent right now. I'm going to a f2f meeting tonight. It's only my 6th week, so I don't have a sponsor yet. I sure would call my sponsor if I had one!
My AH is the same way, wanting me to go to bed when he does, do what he wants, etc... At first when you do your own thing they don't like it, he'd get angry too, but in time he's okay with it, I just sruck to my guns and did what I wanted to do even if I did it only cause it wasn't what he wanted. If you step back and watch their behavior it is quite childish. Don't react to it, first it is something you have to think about, but in time it will become natural.
I was very very very lonely in my relationship. I am still loney out of it but I keep very busy. Maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself expecting magic. We take it one day at a time here.
I know in my codependence I people pleased to excess. I don't people please now and no one much notices. I do though.
Progress not perfection.
I do agree when we become aware of our codependence it can be very very painful but you are aware and you have an incredible grasp of what got you there!
That's all very very commendable. You don't have to leap ahead to divorce right away. You can work on where you are. Being where we are is very very painful for us codpendents. I think one issue is about not being able to be present at all. Maresie.
Thanks for your comments--and the reminders to not react and or leap to divorce.
Maresie, can you please tell me more about this:
"Being where we are is very very painful for us codpendents. I think one issue is about not being able to be present at all."
I'm having loads of trouble being present with him. Either I'm with him--doing the codance--or I'm gone. I haven't yet found the middle ground of being present as me in our relationship.
Being present for me means being present in reality, not living in the fantasy that I can somehow change or control other people. It means working on the connection with my HP and letting others be themselves. It means letting others be who they really are and acknowledging that, instead of holding to my fantasy idea of who they should be, or who I think they would be if they would just think, say, or do what I think they should.
It sounds to me like your H is in a childish, selfish, manipulative frame of mind right now. This is not a negative putdown, by the way. If this is the reality of who he chooses to be right now, then accepting that is the first step to letting him be who he is right now. It is up to him to change himself if he wishes. It is not up to us to MAKE others happy. That is not possible. It is our job to learn how to be happy ourselves, in whatever situation we choose to be in for the moment.
It sounds like you are doing jus fine. Remembr like Maresie said, progress not perfection. This recovery thing takes time. It is not instant. If it were there'd be no A's, or codependents. Take it easy and be gentle to yourself. Look inside yourself and to your Al-Anon group for the comfort and happiness that you crave. That's how I learned to let my AH be himself. When I stopped demanding so much from him, he was finally able to work on himself too. Sometimes we just don't realise the pressure we put on our loved ones.
Just my ESH. Hope it helps.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you so much for your response. It's extremely helpful. Your description of being present in the reality of what is, instead of my fantasy about what could be, is really helpful.
It particularly helped to have you put words around his behavior -- the objective outside eye. I understand that it wasn't a putdown... and I thought about it again this morning as he chose to be negative and judgmental. Rather than trying to change his behavior, I just understood that that's how he's choosing to be in the world. I spent years trying to not do or say the things that would evoke a negative response...and I don't have to tell you how successful that was!
Sometimes, I can let his snarkiness roll off my back and sometimes I can't. But what I am doing differently is not making choices for myself based on how I think he's going to respond. So that feels like a big shift in the right direction.
And I suspect that, as I'm increasingly gentle and loving to myself, my 'hide' will grow thicker about his negative view of the world, so that I can really allow him to just be fully who he is, even if that's someone whose comments I don't always enjoy hearing.
The statement about the pressure we can put on our loved ones rang true, too, particularly for my daughters. I've created incredible pressure for them to conform to my idea of who they should be in the world. I'm unraveling that, bit by bit, and watching my youngest (the only one still at home) become more and more fully herself and strong and independent. Much more so than I would have thought her capable of just a few short months ago.
You are not crazy! This is what he wants you to believe and feel. It's called "crazymaking."
If someone's story touches your heart and you want to learn more about them, you can click on their name and that will leave to their information, such as "Members Posts" where you can read back about their story.
I've sent you a pm.
I am glad you are getting to meetings and having a good day despite what's going on.
yours in recovery, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
