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Hi everyone. I'm new here, and I found this forum out of desparation!
I'll try to make this horribly long story as brief as I can.
I have a 52 year old severly alcoholic brother living with my 78 year old mom. I'm staying there now also because of the situation.
He is on full diability, in need of many organ transplants, and in and out of the hospital 2-3 times a year. And yes, he's still drinking and doing drugs. He is at the point now that he knows that he is on his way out, and is taking it out on us both. He has hated me all of my life for -- maybe because I've always kept heathy and prospered -- I really don't know why, but I am now his main target of hatered, I guess just because (I really don't understand the insanity).
He is at the point where he won't talk to me at all. He leaves me little notes here and there, and does nasty, disgusting things to try to get me upset. About 6 months ago he left me a note telling me "...As you know, I'm on my way out, and I promise you that before I go I will take you with me...", along with a bunch of psyco stuff. At first I ignored it like the rest, but I wound up showing it to mom, and we decided to do something about it. We had a deParte order approved by a judge that day, and they baker acted him for about 10 days, and with nowhere else to go, he came back here, and of course things got worse -- worse with his drinking, and and even deeper hatred for me. I had his 9mm gun removed from the house while he was gone. I could go on for volumes, but I think you get the picture.
About a week ago he went into the hospital with chest pains, and after 3 days he was released. The night before last we found him lying on the floor -- called 911, and he's back in CCU. Mom found a suicide note, telling her wat to do with his things, and at the end he wrote "You were a good mother, but lame. F--- You All".
So this time, from what I understand, when he is medically cleared at the hospital, they will baker act him again, and again he will BS his way through that and return home.
Incidently, I found a large filet knife near him, that I suppose he was planning on using on me before he died.
We just don't know what to do. Mom went to see him last night, and he just got snotty with her and told her to leave.
Of course, neither mom, or myself want to just throw him out on the streets, but at the same time we simply cannot have him here. He is absolutely defiant about any offers of help.
I don't know if there is an answer, but I would love to hear some advice.
Years ago, mom went to a few Alanon meetings, but I don't see here getting in to that again.
Welcome Kennmack. You have hit the right place. Though you might not like all you read in my reply, the advice I will give you is, "Take what you like and leave the rest."
You are up against a dangerous situation. The best thing you could do for yourself, Mom, AND brother is kick him out! And KEEP him out. I believe that anyone who threatens violence, whether upon himself or others is speaking seriously, and those who are the subjects of the threats are in imminent danger. It sounds like brother will probably never straighten himself up and find sobriety, but if there is a chance for him, he must hit bottom. As long as he has a home to come to, a warm bed, and good food, he is not going to reach that bottom.
There is nothing you can do for him. You and Mom need to look after yourselves, get to AlAnon meetings, and start your journey toward serenity.
With sincere caring and concern,
Diva
-- Edited by canadianguy at 13:12, 2008-09-16
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You know I think there is stuff in the Getting Him Sober series about legal implicatons for getting an A out. There are lots of loop holes in the mental health acts. You can however go the TRO route. You do deserve to have peace and tranquility. The TRO route might be your best bet.
I don't believe your brother qualifies for organ transplants because of his continued drinking. He seems to be hell bent on self destruction. My ex A was like that. I had to get out of the way he was taking me down the road with him.
The ex A who I swore could not take care of himself is now in some homeless shelter I believe. They do survive. He is very very adept at getting taken care of.
I am not. I believe as codependents we put ourselves last.
I am sorry to hear you are in such trouble. I would suggest you lean very heavily on al anon we can get you through this. Dont' try to do this alone.
Welcome to MIP! We are told not to give advice but to share our experience, strength, and hope. To me this sounds like mental illness in combination with drugs/alcohol. Get help for yourself and your mom. Remember that you are not alone. Go to an Alanon or NA meeting. Get the literature. Take care or yourself.
Here's the thinking, and this was hugely difficult for me to wrap my brain around too - and my situation was not as dire as yours:
If we tell them, you are welcome to live here as long as you are not drinking (or going to AA meetings, or being polite and doing the dishes, or whatever it is); and if they decline, either outright or by ignoring it; and if we do nothing; we are in fact saying, "you're so pathetic you can't do this on your own".
This is ironic, because in some ways they ARE - HOWEVER - if we stick to our guns, and say ok, that's your choice, let us know how it's going - we are then giving them the DIGNITY of experiencing the natural consequences of their own actions.
Now, if you do it because you want to "make" the act of giving them dignity "work" to bring them to a bottom, then you aren't really giving them dignity, you're manipulating and trying to control a person and situation over which you have no control, and over which - this is important - you are not SUPPOSED to have control. That's right - even though he's your brother, even though he's her son, he is a grownup and his life choices are UP TO HIM - they're "his stuff". In any case this kind of attempt at control is doomed to failure. Motivation matters.
This is all overwhelming at first even at the best of times, and even more so in crisis. Check out meetings near you at al-anon.alateen.com/meetings/meeting.htm - go to a f2f (face to face) meeting and pick up a free newcomer packet, and maybe "alcoholism - a merry-go-round called denial" if they have it, maybe a daily reader. Alanon isn't a cure, it's a whole different world view, and the amazing thing is - I feel better when I keep going to my meetings.
I have to agree with not allowing him back in the home. No, we are not to give advice UNLESS ones life is in danger or there is physical abuse. It sounds like your life, and that of your Mother's is in very serious danger. How terrible would it be if he wigged out and hurt her, or worse?
It is often said that every time we help the alcoholic it is like putting a pillow under their butt allowing a softer landing. They cannot hit bottom until people quit saving them. In many instances "helping" prolongs the disease. Why quit and seek help when everyone makes it easy for him to keep doing what he's always done?
He is a grown man, albeit sick, he would figure out that he needs to find shelter somewhere. Your life has been threatened, I'd be getting a protection order.
How about you and Mom finding a meeting together? You're going to need support and strength.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am with Christy on this one. Safety is another matter to be taken seriously. Often mothers have a very hard time giving up on their children on a good day never mind a bad one.
The one thought that came to mind is that if your bro is at the point where he's trying to kill him then he may not care about you and your Mom either. I don't want to alarm you but how many stories on TV have you seen where someone takes out a whole family and themselves too. Sad story ending.
Please take good care of you, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
