The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Suddenly out of the blue the ex A is back calling me several times a day. On the weekend he called 15 times and just blocked up my entire voice mail. So on Sunday I switched my phone off (to airplane mode). Then I got into trouble because no one could reach me who needed to reach me.
I have made a huge point of not speaking to the A. If by some chance I answer the phone which is rare I hang up. I never answer the voice mail. I just throw them out. He did the usual number with me first it was the animals, then his stuff (he left some junk with me (he doesn't need junk), then it was social stuff oh how he wanted to go to the movies, then it was he was thinking of me.
What makes me sad is that for years he could treat me really badly then sweet talk his way back in. He had me on a real yo yo. Now I've cut the strings of course but it was real obvious to him and others he was in control. He would bad mouth me to everyone (and make sure I heard about it) then expect me to come back. I did for years and years. The irony is after the sweet talk he was more abusive over time. He got more and more contemptuous. I have an idea of where he is staying now (thank goodness it is nowhere nearby). He moves around from one port to the next. I don't doubt in time he'll move back to where he was most of the year because he'll want people to feel sorry for him.
I am determined not to let him invade my life and it felt good to switch the phone off entirely on the weekend. He is not going to call and call and call and then call again.
I have been the TRO route and got nowhere. If he were to come to my house I would immediately ask for an EPO. I have no desire at all to see him or deal with him. I just wish he would leave me alone.
I'm through and through and more through with his antics. I put up with this stuff for years and then some more years and then some more years after that I've had enough.
I believe in time I may have to change my phone number but now is not a good time for me to do that. In fact I'm chafing at the idea of having to do it at all.
I have made a huge point of not getting resentful because I am not going to allow his behavior to bother me anymore. He is no longer part of my life and will never be again.
When I finallly get my storage unit straight (which is going to be some time from now) I am simply going to throw his stuff away then there will be nothing left of it. Nevertheless I am not going to go out of my way to do that until I am ready to go through the storage unit which will be some time from now.
i think it's great that you know deffinitely you don't want him in your life..one of my problems with my a is i go back and forth on that question
the phone thing..probably finally..for the first time i was able to turn the phone off last night when i saw she called twenty times and left nine messages in a half hour period..accusing me of being with someone which i wasn't
it ended up in a screaming match..me calling her every name in the book and really losing myself in that fight
at one point she was talking to her friend on the answering machine saying something to the affect that she's playing the role of the person to get me to relapse..that sucks
i gotta go..sorry
good luck to you..sounds like you've got a good handle on it
i discoverd something if I put my phone on airplane mode it doesn't receive messages. I think I may put it on that during the weekend because I am not willing to take his calls. If he calls he spirals.
I have nothing to say so I don't answer the phone. I've already said it. I already did the screaming matches. I already did the trying to make him hear me. I already did it all. There is nothing left.
I do resent the fact I had to turn the phone off.
At the same time I live with people who are totally self absorbed and wierd and ill. So I am getting somewhat good at detaching I have to if I focus on the negative I'm done for.
I don't have a call blocking service on the cell phone The cell phone is all I have a the moment. I'm not going to upgrade to another phone service to keep him blocked. I am even annoyed that I have to deal with this.
What's even more annoying is that when I was with him the A never answered my calls. He would never ever (at the end) acede to anything I wanted. But hey when he wants something oh the whole world has to stop.
I'm certainly not going to allow him access to the dogs. He let them starve!
I am sick to death of his shenanigans. I don't understand why he isn't in jail with the way he drives. I hope he just goes back to his relatives because I certainly don't want to see hear or even hear about him ever again.
You know one of the other things that bothers me is that from time to time my mail goes to our p.o. box. Does he forward any of it. nope. He sends it back!!!
Yet he calls 15 times in one day!!!!
I have had some important mail go to the wrong address. He sends it back!!!!!
He can see from the envelope its important. Does he "bother" to send it on. Nope.
So I am not going to "bother" to answer the phone or even speak to him. Why do it. I bothered to deal with him for 7 years, 7 years too long.
I am so grateful I am in al anon and no longer dealing with him on any level.
I just read your post and i'm scared too because though my a-exbf hasnt contacted me and I kind of doubt he ever will again, I do always say he's like a fungus lol... Meaning he kind of keeps coming back in time. He either finds a new gf which doesnt work out, then he waits and contacts me out of the blue, or he gets lonely and contacts me out of the blue. The past few times I have to admit its been ME who did the first contact, so I dont know if he's changed his ways or not. I hope so because I know I am so much better off without him but to tell you the truth, I dont know HOW I would react if he did happen to IM/text/call me. It's easy to say i'll hang up, not answer the IM/text, but in the past i've found it really hard to ignore him because of my addiction to him. I guess time will tell. So far i've been doing ok, I just have to hope that he doesnt try to contact me like your a-exbf contacted you. Anyway I just wanted to give you lots of credit for dealing with your situation the way you have.
On most phones you can assign a specific ring tone to a caller. Then you can just quickly disconnect the call. It'd be a pain to keep doing it but at least your phone would be open to other callers. He couldn't even leave a VM and would get tired of trying, I'd think.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You have a lot of great support here and understanding too. This would be very difficult to deal with time and time again.
All I can add is remember to focus on you. Someday I hope to have a cup of tea and reflect on my al anon tools and detach when my AH gets my head spinning with this or that. I am still working on getting there though and get caught up in his or my own drama.
Stay strong and give yourself some TLC too. hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Any chance you might consider changing your phone number? I know it'd be a pain, but it might be worth it. Also you can always fill out another change of address form and make sure the post office knows that all your mail is suppose to go to your address and not the PO Box. You've worked too hard at your recovery to put up with this. Don't let him push your buttons. Stand your ground. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I don't know why they do this. When my ex contacted me I was immedialty mad. I did all the right things so that he got the message that I am not fooling around. But then, it STILL threw me. Just a little bit, not as bad as in the past. I KNOW what I want and DON'T want. I WANT him to leave me alone and I DON'T want him to ever contact me again.
Good for you for not being thrown with his insanity. Good for you for not getting sucked in!!! What progress!!!! Stay strong!!!!
i went over on the web carefully what I can do with this phone. I do not answer it routinely. He tends to leave messages in the evenings and on the weekends but this latest spree was pretty intense. I think he is in the neighborhood.
I know, given his history, he is going to go back to the drugs and get kicked out of where he is (or rather where I think he is) so he has not much time left. He can go back to this family who live many miles away after that.
His mother up and moved across country. In theory he can go there too. I know I am not helping him in any shape or capacity ever again.
I am not going to change my phone number at the moment (I am in the middle of a job hunt). After I get a job I may well do that. I am so sick of him and his demands. It would be worth it not to hear from him again.
This whole issue has brought up a lot for me that has to go into my fourth step.
(((((maresie)))))) Stand your ground you are doing well. So you don't answer the phone when he calls, that is for your sanity, good for you! Stay strong and keep coming back here to vent with us. Who knows maybe one of us will come up with an idea that will work for you. Keep working on you ideas and options to get his phone calls blocked. Maybe you can contact your carrier and ask them what they can do to get his phone number blocked from calling you. Just a thought, I mean basically with that many calls he is harrassing you, maybe tell them that. I don't know, but I pray for you to stay strong. I admire your strength.
Did you tell him I have nothing to say to you don't call me anymore?
The nerve of some people huh?
I know after all you have been thru he's just a pesky annoyance, I would just say whatever I have to say to make the calls stop.... I'm seeing someone else.... I donated all your things to charity....I would appreciate it if you would stop calling... I have a restraining order and I'm calling the police... etc.
I have said there is nothing more to say. I note also he leaves different messages at different times. One minute he wants his junk, next to see the dogs, next to see me. So he has no agenda except to "use" me again.
I'm not available.
I think hanging up when I answer when I don't look to check the number and to not answer the phone is clear.
I don't know where he is living so getting a restraining order requires investigation. I also quite honestly can't do the TRO route again. First of all it takes up enormous time and energy, secondly it requires time off work to go to court (often more than once), thirdly I'd rather resort to an EPO if he shows up at the house.
I do have options I like none of them. I will in time change my phone number.
That seems to be the only sure thing. And believe me I am very very very angry that I may have to do that.
I know for sure that is what the A wants to get under my skin and make me over react. He did that so well for 7 years I am not going to give him the chance to do it anymore.
He's gone. That's it for me. He's gone and I'm glad to be rid of him and his time wasting, chaos making, crazy making draining awful behavior. I may not like where I am living but it is so much better than dealing with him on any level whatsoever.
