The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All of my life, even after I moved out of my parents house, I worried if my mom would approve of the decisions I made. If I thought she would not agree, I would not do certain things. I even was afraid to tell her that we got a new kitten because I knew she would complain about it, and when I told her, she did. She said why do you need 2 cats, bla bla. Of course I justified why etc. This is my life and I am getting just a bit better at it.
I remember years ago when I told her I was living with my bf and she was coming to see me a couple weeks later, she told me on the phone that she wouldn't have booked the flight if she had known. I told her then it is my life and who I live with had nothing to do with her. I stood up for myself for once.
I was terrified to tell her last year that my bf was an A. He was sober at that time. I told her because there was no way around it. She accepted it and did not tell me that I should leave him or that she thought less of me. I think part of the reason is that one of my parents friends is an A but has been sober ever since his kids were little. This man is my childhood best friends dad. Everyone but him drinks when they have gettogethers.
I remember when I was growing up she always compared me and my actions and inactions to my best friend. I don't remember asking my dads approval because he simply never acted like he cared and he always put me down in front of friends and family. I still have male authority issues to this day.
For me, starting on step 4 is bringing up those thoughts about my childhood.
We just talked on the phone about whether or not we should drink a 'glass of wine' when she's here. I told her I would prefer not to because of my sober A and she agreed. I am so glad she agreed. It is such a big deal.
Why do I seek my moms approval to this day? I have been out of my parents house for 17 years. Can anyone relate?
When u believe that u have a right to be who u are flaws and all moms comments won't bother u at all . Often we seek aproval over and over again from people who just can't give it . just be yourself . Buick I am going to suggest u slow down a bit , put that work book down and out of sight for a few months better yet a yr . these steps are numbered 1-12 for a reason , jumping into step 4 alone is not a good idea no one beats us up like we do. Concentrate on step 1- 2-3 until u are completely living them to the best of your ability , your post tells me u have not accepted step 1 yet= so easy does it . 1 we are powerless over other people and the way they think and act , and when u don't get what u need from her u start to question yourself again and your l ife becomes unmanagable . Pretty good chance that the one with the problem is not you after all . Easy does it . Louise
Put the workbook out of my sight for a few months? I associated the first step with being powerless over alcohol, which I know I am, and after reading your reply I understand that I need to apply that to others too. Geez, I thought I was through steps one, two, and three.
This is kind of a slap in the face. Maybe I'll find someone I can relate to in my f2f meetings who can be my sponsor or temporary sponsor by time I'm really ready to start on step four. Noone even has the time to be a temporary sponsor right now I've heard.
Guess if I handn't opened that workbook I wouldn't even be thinking about this. I have been doing fine for the most part working the program regarding my bf, and it even works with my friend. I guess dealing with parents is a whole other story and kind of like opening a can of worms it seems like to me.
I think we tend to be people pleasers. I know the Harriet Braiker book helped me. Some of us have serious family of origin issues. My mother was not very approving either. I have come to terms with that none of them is going to "approve" me and I have to learn how to take care of me.
I don't know that there is a "why" about how certain people come to be. I don't really understand why the A I was with was so self destructive. Yes there certainly was the cold mother and the unvailable father but his rage was all encompassing and took everything. I try to work on the "what'. The "what" for me was that he was too self destructive for me to be around anymore. I believe the A who I was with is now in some program. I make a point of not finding out. His issues no longer intrigue me. Mine do. I don't even need to know the "why" of why I stayed with the A I just concentrate these days on the "what" of where do I go from here. I want to move forward and that's complicated stuff.
