The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I suppose I'm not entirely 'new' to this whole al-anon stuff. My boyfriend has been an alcoholic well before we met, I know this for a fact. Alcoholism is a thing that runs in his family, or so he has told me..
I recently had to have an abortion because we are not ready for such a huge responsibility just yet in our relationship. I know there are people out there against it and for it but I'm not here to say I am or I'm not. Each day that has passed in these passed three months has hurt me so much.. Even though he has tried to cut down his drinking, I honestly feel he has drank just as much as before. He's been away to try and recover twice. The first time he went to rehab was horrible but the second time, almost a whole year later, was the worst I ever felt. Even now I feel the hurt I felt when he went away to 'get better'.
I know it's hard to put every thing together in a form of gist but.. I've tried. I love him, he's an alcoholic[he's admitted MANY times] and.. I don't know what to do any more. The last three months I've had this feeling.. That I don't love him any more. But I do, I know I do, and I always will. Since last year, when he first went to rehab, he said he'd try and cut down and try to quit.. He's tried 'qutting' many times and it hurts and some times I just can't help but let my feelings get the best of me.
Just tonight he's come in contact with a person[his old friend] who didn't want us dating. I feel if it weren't for me he'd still be an alcoholic in denial.. But now he's just an alcoholic brought back to reality and.. I honestly don't know what he's feeling but I'm starting to regret that I met him. Every time I talk to him about alcohol and what it seems to be doing he just denies it.. And it hurts so much that I just don't want any more. I want to end every thing..
Hi and welcome. Yes this is the right place for this. I've been a member for over 20 years, and somewhere along the line I finally "got it", that I have no control over what he does, I just have to worry about what I do. I hope you find some comfort here. Keep coming back.
One of the hardest things for me to learn was that love is not enough. It won't cure alcoholism, it won't make it easy and pleasant to live with an active alcoholic.
If you try to make choices - big ones and little ones - based on what is healthiest for you, things go easier. He will either 'get it' eventually, or he won't. Since he's been introduced to recovery, he knows where to go and what to do to get better, when he is ready. For yourself, you can ride the rollercoaster with him, or you can get off. It really is your choice.
Well you certainly are in the right place. Many of us have been where you are now. One of the things I hold close to me is the three C's that I didn't cause anyone's alcoholism, can't control it and can't cure it. You can apply the three C's to your situation. I find it a very very useful tool to detach.
Many of us have abandonment and attachment issues. You can follow some of our stories by reading the archives. I believe it is a great way to look at how people get better. Many of us do get better, we have a life, we have one that is not full of pain and fury and agony. That is possible. I am glad you are here. I hope you will stay. Pull up a chair you're home.
Hon I finally got to where I never mentioned anything about his disease. It is his business not mine.
I can do nothing about it, to me it is like stopping a river, I don't have any more control over his disease than I do stopping a river. As we know one human cannot stop a river, we do not even consider it.
As far as rehab, stats are it takes an average of 5 trips to rehab before they get out of rehab,walk into AA and do the ninty meetings in ninety days and cont. on a program of recovery.
The best thing for you to do is live your life how you want it to be. make goals, go back to school, get a good job you love, volunteer, watch good movies and eat popcorn. And if you can, enjoy your A just how he is. It can be done.
If he gets abusive then it is up to you to decide to stay or go. I had to have mine leave for good as he got horribly abusive after a brain surgery and medical relapse.
I can tell you are so torn. so what I would do is make a list of what you want to do in your life. Even if it is only to put a pink geranium in a pot. Positive things to make Becka happy and to feel better.
contact Canadian guy up there on the top of the message list, he has a wonderful book he is giving out of his heart. It is a GREAT book.Ez to read and will help ya I promise.
I am sad your A is so sick, please don't let that disease pull you down into its pit.
i got to where I could love my AH and his using did not bug me. I was so glad to have some good time with him. If he got icky I left the room, read a book, went for a walk or drive. I had my own room to go into to be ok.
I would give about anything to have some good time with him again. But for me it is all over. I am no longer in love with him.
I love him like a man I care about is all.
You do love him Becka, it is the disease you hate. That is detachment for me. I learned to love the man, but hate the disease. They don't choose to be A. They cannot just decide to quit.
It takes things to fall into a certain mode for an A to get into a program of recovery.
soooo go get a pretty flower for a buck and plant it in a medium tin can with holes poked in the bottom! Or adopt a kitten or puppy to give you lots of love.
I just adopted a darling tiny poodle shih tzu. I was feeling down. He is such a joy. now about 11 weeks old. wrestles with the cats, chases my 90 pound pet pig Estersue, things he is a HUGE scarey watch dog. I named him Happy and I have never had a little dog pup before.
I have a HUGE Great Pyrenees that Happy hangs with!
He fills that space I know you feel all too well.
glad you are here, hope you keep coming back. Much love,debilyn and all the animals at Potter's Eden
