The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not been on this site for quite awhile-I could not even remember my user name-so here I am again. My son - 30 in June-has been living back at home here for a year in march. I cannot take it anymore. I am so sick of it I cannot hardly look at him. IS that wrong??? He has worked some-when I got home from work tonite-he just is laying on the couch-hardly talks to me.I tell him a ton of the bill collectors called-morning, noon and nite---I know I will pay them Friday. Friday never comes----- I am so depressed. Tonite I told him he HAD to move out. He said I know I will be gone the end of the month. He has said that soooooo many times before. We are really getting used. Hubby (his stepdad) feels we cannot "kick" him out. I feel I need to for my own well-being. My B/P is so high and I feel I am a priosoner in my own home. I know my son doesn't like it here-but why doesn't he get a place. He has a problem with booze and gambling. Any help would be greated accepted-Tks
hi hi, I'm glad you are here. You are doing the right thing taking care of you. I will dream of resolution for yall - we are making memories, you know that we have to live with forever. Gentle paths n light n love to all y'all. Regards, Wille
Unfortunately, alcoholism creates alot of divison regarding how it should be addressed or what consciquences should be dealt to the person we love who is alcoholic, who is not being self supporting, using people, situations, environments to substan their diease.
I understand your depression, I have been there, regarding my own son.
But no, you are not wrong for wanting him out of the house.
When we don't put an alcoholic in a position to take responsibility for themselves and their own lives, and we act as their safety net we are not helping them. What we are doing is stopping them from growing up. And its us, that go nuts-o trying to figure out a solution to THEIR problem. What we need to focus on is a viable solution to our own problem, and it sounds to me that one of those is feeling incomfortable under our own roofs.
It's okay, healthy and reasonable to feel safe and comfortable in your own home. However, in order to achieve this, we might have to step on a few toes. There comes a time when our own people pleasing and approval seeking behaviors, for the sake of "keeping the peace" destroys what peace we might have available to us. We can change this by simply setting a boundary in our relationships and not leaving it open for negotiation all the time as soon as someone shows a sign of disapproval or upset over it.
It's okay to simply say.... "I'm practicing self care. Not to the exclusion of others, but care that INCLUDES ME. I need the santuary of my home. It's time for you to find another place to live and become self supporting and I will not accept your still being here after the blank day of this month."
Then do not debate it, argue about it, change dates, etc...
The alcoholic will always have good excuses but rearly good reasons.
John
-- Edited by John at 01:04, 2005-02-11
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Remember that if you are not taking care of yourself, then you won't be any good to anyone else, especially your children. As a single mother raising my two teenagers, I see how tough love made an impact on their life and my influence to be strong and set boundaries for myself has taught them to do the same. This is despite the other unhealthy influence that is in their life and their father with so much into alcohol, drugs and a dysfunctional, abusive marriage again. I explain to my kids that they need to be strong for them and let go. Told them both to prepare for college while they are in high school because that is the only option for them if they want my help beyond high school. :) It sounds easier than it might be, but ultimately I know that if I don't let them go and be strong, as much as it hurts, then not only will it affect my life, but I'll teach them to be codependent on me and repeat the cycle, which I am trying desperately to change for them to be healthy. Hate me or not, I told them-- I love them tremendously and that is why I can tell them they need to pursue things so that they are successful in their life. After all, there will come a day that I am not here for them when it is my time and we never know when that is... so best to prepare them to be strong and dependent on themselves. Otherwise, they might live a very difficult life being dependent on others. :)) Hope this gave some insight and strength.
