The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all. I recently joined this message group in hopes of being able to find some answers to a very personal matter. My boyfriend and I have been dating about 3.5 years now, he has been sober for 3 years and 5 months... When we first started dating he was still drinking but we were not serious... after a second DUI he decided that it would be in his best interest to stop drinking. So he did. --- I won't go into all the details of his recovery (although his strength does still amaze me) - basically, here we are 3.5 years later and we do not have sex. He says it has something to do with the fact that I was his partner throughout the beginning of his recovery and that he's read in the big book that it clearly states 'family matters' such as these do happen. He is 37 and I am 29 - we are too young not to be having sex. If it weren't for this problem - we would be engaged - everything else in our relationship is great and we love each other very deeply. He seems to think it is a lost cause - like it is just how it is goign to be, -- but I think there has to be something we can do about it. He does not like to talk about it b/c it upsets him that he isn't ever in the mood - I understand it is embarrassing for guys to have these problems....but its not going away and in order for us to take our relationship to the next level and for us to continue to grow together this has got to change. Has anyone else experienced this and is there hope for us?
i think we all in time experience issues with any alcoholic sober or not where we have huge issues with something in a relationship. Conflict is inevitable. In theory in sobriety we are supposed to be able to negotiate conflict.
There are lots of avenues open to you, one is to work on yourself. Obviously living with evern a sober alcoholic has its issues. Another is to go to counselling and work on how you can broach the issue to him in other ways.
I don't know that I have ever met anyone who had a relationship with a sober alcoholic where there was only one problem, generally there are several so this may be just the most pressing one at the moment.
Al anon does offer an immense number of tools. The issue is that they aren't generally instant. They require some work and diligence.
Hello, and welcome, As Maresie stated, there are always going to be issues. One of my issues is sort of similar to yours. I have been with my abf for more than 6yrs. When we first started dating, it was not supposed to be serious either...so yeah, things were pretty good in the bedroom then. He goes back and forth with drinking and sobriety, and so do our bedroom moments. His issue isnt so much a lack of desire (tho mine has come to this) as it is performance problems. I know my abf says that when he is/was drinking, his libido is stronger and so is his staying power, (he says that he feels less so he can last longer). I dont know if this may be something that your guy feels about himself and that may be the reason for his lack of interest.... I think back to all my codependent behaviors and wonder if it may be that he feels I am/was more of a mother figure to him and of course, that would make it weird too..... Again, as Maresie said, there are always issues, some you can see, others you cant.... seeking peace, jeannie
-- Edited by liljeannie at 12:56, 2008-09-12
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
My Asoberbf also lost his desire for the most part and it does bother me. So I don't have any suggestions. We are intimate about once every two weeks if that, and I'm blaming it on the early sobriety.
alcoholism has many strange side effects ,chemically as well , if he will go to a doc and explain whats going on including his drinking past there is a pretty good chance that he can be helped . some of it could be left over shame and guilt from the past , and that he will have to talk out with a sponsor . good luck and there are good sex therepists out there . Louise
I feel like my ex-bf used this as some kind of power play or something- I don't know, He's messed up with all kinds of intimacy so who knows.
I know men (and women) should take responsibility for this and get their butt to the doctor and fix this right away when there is a problem. The partner doesn't deserve the rejection- but A's should also RUN to recovery when they know there is a problem so... soulda woulda coulda ....
No control over him....
Don't have any positive ESH only wanted to let you know my guy was super odd about this too. And wouldn't have any positive conversation about it either. Nothing but I know it's not healthy but that's just how I am .... just like everything else.
Sounds like your guy is trying on the recovery part so perhaps you can ask him to try on the medical part too. Maybe get some advice from a male medical professional as how to approach it..as I guess there may be ego involved?
