The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all. As you know, my husband and I have been separated for almost 4 months. Since then, I am involved in f2f Al-Anon meetings, got a sponsor and am on Step 2, working hard, taking care of my home, paying my bills (just barely, but able to do it), taking care of our 8 cats and a sweet dog, and learning to live without my AH under my feet and in my face. But we do see each other from time to time, especially since he's been sober for 6 weeks now. I really, really miss being with him physically. I'm lonely and want to be hugged and kissed. Seriously. I miss all that. When my AH and I visit it's usually to work around the yard, etc. There is no romance involved because I won't go there at this point in my recovery. But I still miss it terribly. I'm happy to know that I still feel those feelings for him. I love my AH and hope that one day we can be together in recovery.
we are getting divorced but I still miss him. I have missed him for years. I honestly do not think I will ever have another husband. I will have men but not another husband. He was it, you see.
Funny I should read your post this early morn. I really miss my AHSober. HE chose to leave 3 years ago. I don't know if he misses me or not. He has repeatedly asked for a divorce. I am surprised at myself and others that miss their A's whether they decided to separate or the A's did. We get together about once a month, usually with one of our grown sons. I look at him and say what happened. It goes well for a while but he drags in all these other people (usually via cell phone) that he won't introduce me to. It turns from fun to painful. I have made the decision to limit my interactions with him. Now, that is painful. I realized that I am taking his disease crap just to have time with him. Unless something changes it will just be crap. So I still love him very much and will always hold him in my heart. But I try to listen to my HP and say what do you want me to do?
I know it's hard. Just remember recovery is a selfish thing. It has to be. It's how we survive. Be glad when you see him, and enjoy that he is there, sober. I missed my Tim, when we were apart. I couldn't live with the chaos. Try and remember what that was like. You'll get through this. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I don't miss the A who I was involved with because he became way too destructive. For years missing him was a way for him to get back in. These days when he tries to hook me back by calling (I dont' answer the phone) I do nothing. I would like a companion but I am not in a place to entertain a relationship.
Thank you all for your posts - they are most helpful. I was having a hard time last night and today I feel better. I'm going to go home and love on my pets, do some laundry (never ending!), cook a good dinner, talk to my sponsor, read from 12-n-12, and Big Book, and perhaps watch a movie - but not a romance movie! ha ha.
Again, thank you for listening - everyone here is so wonderful!
Peggy - I've been able to examine my life during these last 4 months. I find that I really don't know myself all that well. It's been quite a learning experience. Realizing that I have strengths and weaknesses is both good and bad. There are times when I feel like I'm going to burst through my skin from anxiety - and other times when I feel so good and confident that I could take on the world.
I'm going over the song "Memories" in my head after reading your post. My current wife and I were out to dinner and our waitress was the splitting image of a past Alcoholic that I had a category 4 relationship with. LOL bigger and more devastating than Ike (not to diminish any of our member who are now caught up in that). I tried my damnedest not to ask the waitress what her ethnic origin was but failed. Of course I was just having "Memories" and kept them to myself. It's been years but at times I get to missing her. Truth is I get to missing them all because of all the emotional investment we put into the relationship. I loved chaos and crises and drama so the action is etched inside of my mind. I don't need to rent movies. All I have to do is go into my memory bank and review.
Any how "Memories" also include lessons along the way and one of them was learning how to love myself as much as I needed them. That lesson came from another friend who told me a story about her friend, separated from her husband and her husband wanting to come back home. She told me that the lady told her husband, "I love you and I like having you here but I don't need you." When I heard that line I had a reaction. It really upset me and I ran from my friends home. I got about 4 blocks and stopped on the side of the street to think about what I was rejecting and I found a newer level of personal recovery discovering the difference between Love and Need. I really didn't "Need" my alcoholic. I was complete by myself. That was the very first time I realized that. What a wakeup call. I was also learning how to love myself and others equally and that romance was reserved for the partner I chose as special and no one else. I also learned that there are literally tons of ways to romance my special partner including the physical, natural way. I consider the things my wife and I do together besides the normal understanding...romance. Cooking with her is romance. Working in the yard together is romance. Watching TV while the other is reading in the same room is romance. Holding hands and playing "fingers" is romance. Disagreeing with her and acknowledging what she is believing and saying is romance. Letting her have her choice of movie first and watching mine alone later is romance. It all is a display of love and the relationship gets stronger. For me the romance is best when it is spiritual and nice when it is physical. Treating her like the human being and child of God that she is is romance. I keep coming back to learn more and the progress is never ending.
When I learned how to love myself inside of a constant relationship with my Higher Power, the loneliness went away.
