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Where do I even being? A wrenched his neck at work and is having complications from that. Another excuse to drink. When he drinks, because of his neck he gets horrible headaches/migraines. Not so bad when he doesn’t drink. Why does he not see the connection? He went to the doctor yesterday again – a different one to get a second opinion. They ordered more x-rays, MRIs bone scans, etc. So more waiting. After the appointment he of course spent the rest of the day at the bar. He finally comes home, but now he’s mad about all this and takes it out on me. He thinks if he has operations (which they aren’t even sure if they will do or not yet) that he will be paralyzed. He thinks that he will not be able to be sexually active. I tell him not to worry, they haven’t done all the tests yet, blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc. Oh and if he’s paralyzed that I should kill him, or get someone to kill him because he couldn’t live like that. (By the way – if they do decide on the op it would be fusing some disks together and although anything is possible I highly doubt that there would be any possibility of him ending up paralyzed). Then he starts yelling at me – how I’m going to cheat on him because he won’t be able to have sex. I tell him no I won’t – I tell him I swear it on the Bible. He says that 50% of women cheat so that of course I will be cheating. If "I’m not getting it form him, I must be getting it somewhere else" syndrome. Of course, I don’t want to have sex with him, he’s drunk and has just verbally abused me as he always does when he is drunk. Why would I want to have sex after that. Last time he was like this, he said something very nasty to me which I won’t repeat here. I think that he was even still partially drunk the next morning. It took everything I had to just not say anything to him. Finally late in the afternoon he asked if I was mad at him. I said yes and told him what he said to me. He truly did not know he said it. I’ve learned that these are called blackouts, even though he is totally conscious at the time. I said to him, and then you want to know whey I don’t want to have sex with you, would you? He said "no I guess not" He did apologize. The next night he did not get drunk, we had great relations. I don’t understand why he doesn’t see the connection there – of me not wanting him sexually when he is abusive. But I guess he doesn’t know it if he is in the blackout thing. ????
So last night he said some mean things to me, all based on I don’t have sex with him. I don’t have sex with him for the reasons stated. He said "I’m not going to be sorry for this tomorrow". I usually stay silent or apologize (why I don’t know I don’t think I have anything to apologize for). This of course makes him angrier. But I can’t lash out in anger at him either – one because I know it’s the wrong thing to do – I know he is not in his "right" mind and two – because I just can’t stand anger. I can’t stand confrontation – even as an observer where I am totally not involved. One minute he’s verbally abusing me, the next it’s almost as if he’s trying to "woo" me and be romantic. I don’t get into the mood, he gets angry, the circle starts again. This goes on ALL night. Finally we go up to bed. He says that I don’t lay next to him anymore (we have 2 labs that sleep with us – they are like children to us). So I get in bed and get the dogs moved so that I am laying next to him. He knows I don’t want sex but he immediately tries to start. I tell him no – can we just hug each other. That works for about a minute, he tries the sex thing again. I am not interested. It’s back to the "You’re not getting it from me, you must be getting it somewhere else" thing. He gets up, now he’s playing the victim. "No you stay there, I’ll sleep downstairs." I try a couple of times to smooth things over. Nope – doesn’t work, he goes downstairs.
So this morning after I come downstairs to go to work he pretty much repeats the things he said last night. How he loves it here but since I’m not sexually interested in him that he’ll just wait it out to see if I’ll change and if I don’t then he’ll try to find an apartment I’m trying to get a response – I want to make sure that it is what I feel and that I can tell him constructively. He tells me "no don’t respond, you don’t have to say anything." I kiss him goodbye, I’m friendly, I tell him to be careful because if he goes out there is ice under the snow. I really don’t know for sure if he was still drunk this morning or not.
I would like to say to him that I can’t go on like this. That this is not how I want my life to be, but I cannot tell him these things when he is drunk. I cannot tell him these things when he is sober because he doesn’t want to talk about it because "I put so much emphesis on his drinking." "So what if I drink" he says. And then it’s just another excuse to go out drinking.
I’m really confused. I’m supposed to have my boundaries. Am I supposed to just go ahead and fake it having sex with him, making my self esteem and self worth plummet lower than it already is. If I do that then I know the abuse won’t be as bad, but he also won’t see the consequences of his actions (me not having sex with him because he was drunk). Of course, he never seems to put the two together. And why is he so hung up about sex? He tells me he HAS to have it every single day and there must be something wrong with me and then of course accusing that I cheat.
I know you all have advised going to an Al Anon meeting. How can I? I can’t go when he’s drunk because he would not let me – of course, I can’t tell him WHERE I would be going. Even if I did, I’d be accused of going there to cheat on him, going there to "talk" about him, make fun of him, "dis" him, etc. etc. etc. I’ll get the same thing when he’s sober. I can’t even go upstairs to put on a pair of sweatpants unless I tell him about it, otherwise it’s "why do you just disappear" – geez, I went upstairs for 5 or 10 minutes. Same reason why I cannot "go to another room" when he's like this.
He does not admit that he has a drinking problem, he thinks drinking is "fun", all his stories start out with "I was so drunk" or "when I was at such and such bar" etc. He doesn’t think he has a problem.
I know the 3 C’s but I’m tired of ignoring it, I’m tired of just "letting it go", I’m tired of being yelled at, of being called names, and of being accused of things I would not and do not do. I’m tired of trying to explain nicely and calmly why I am hurt once he is sober. I’m tired of being afraid the phone will ring and letting the machine pick it up so that I won’t have to talk to people. I’m tired of hoping that no one happens to come over. I’m tired of being embarrassed that the neighbors might have seen when he decided to drive the truck through the yard and get it stuck because the snow needed to be compacted down. I’m tired of going outside and picking up his phone, wallet, whatever, because he fell and/or dropped them because he’s so drunk he can hardly walk.
I’m sorry this has rambled all over the place. I want to try to keep a journal, just to get my feelings out but I get so depressed that I can’t seem to even start. I wasn’t even sure if I could start this, but once I got going.....
I just don’t know where I stand. I’ve read tons of books and I just am not finding a similar situation - I feel so lost.
In all your story is very much the same as mine in many ways.
This really spoke to me:
"So what if I drink" he says. And then it’s just another excuse to go out drinking.
- Well my A (my husband of 14 years) used to say to me "so what if I drink I am not hurting anyone" Well gosh darn it, he is hurting me. And that is what I told at my first alanon meeting.
I know of the control - where are you and why and I say "none of your business".
I know of the blackouts - take a read of my enforcing the boundaries post below a few. they have absolutley no memory of what they do when drunk, but we remember. Don't we?.. IT SUX.
Do you work outside the home? I do and throw myself into every project I can ESPECIALLY if it will mean travel.
Is this the life I want? NO!
I have a New Years resolution to get healthy physically, mentally, spirtitually and in my relationship.
my A has been on some major binges lately. Last night he was sober for a bit (he ran out of booze) then sobered up to buy more.
I told him how unbearable it was for me to live in the same place with him when he is drunk. Thn he mentioned all the nice things he does - bought me a new engagement ring, made dinner, shopped etc. I told him his behavior while drunk was unacceptable.
Today he is sober for now. I know of the 3 c's too.
This part too echo's my life:
I’m tired of being yelled at, of being called names, and of being accused of things I would not and do not do. I’m tired of trying to explain nicely and calmly why I am hurt once he is sober. I’m tired of being afraid the phone will ring and letting the machine pick it up so that I won’t have to talk to people. I’m tired of hoping that no one happens to come over. I’m tired of being embarrassed that the neighbors might have seen when he decided to drive the truck through the yard and get it stuck because the snow needed to be compacted down. I’m tired of going outside and picking up his phone, wallet, whatever, because he fell and/or dropped them because he’s so drunk he can hardly walk.
I am making myself better. Doing things without him. Ignoring his false accusational and irrational thoughts.
It is hard. It is difficult. I push myself to do small things: dinner out alone, an hours time spent in a bookstore, window shopping at the mall...
I WISH my A would move out for my peace of mind.
I am sorry to not be more helpful, be gentle with yourself.
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
My A was my dad, so I don't have your exact perspective, but I remember him accusing my mom of cheating on him when he was drunk, even though my mom worked like a dog while he was "retired on disability" (he was the most "able" disabled person I knew) and every non-work moment of her time was spent at home doing all the things he invented for her to do or running him all over to various bars and other places (he didn't drive as he lost his license). How he thought she even had TIME to have an affair is beyond me, and it used to make me SO angry that he accused her of that when it was obvious that it was NOT happening.
As a kid, I used to pray that my mom would get tired of it and leave him and take me with her, but it never happened. She put up with his activities until well after I was grown and she retired from her job, at which point they had such problems that he threatened to kill her and was physically abusive and she actually came to believe he WOULD in fact kill her, so she left, after 51 years of marriage. She was 69 years old. The last few years of his life, my dad drank until he ended up in the hospital, where they gave him librium to ween him off the alcohol without such traumatic DTs, but at that point his health was ruined from all the years of drinking and some other medical reasons, and they decided he also had Alzheimers. He spent the remainder of his life hundreds of miles away from my mother in another state where my sister put him in a nursing home and looked after him faithfully until he finally fell while in the hospital for other tests and broke his hip, and basically gave up on life and while under their care developed an infection that went septic and killed him.
Aside from all that history, I remember having conversations as a kid with my dad while he was drunk that he didn't even remember the next day.....it happened more and more as he got older. This does not surprise me about your story. My dad also had something about him that allowed him to charm strangers....they had no clue what he was like "at home".....my own husband didn't believe me for years, thought I was being "too hard on my dad".....unless you are on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, you just can't grasp it evidently.
I don't know if any of this helps you, but just know you are NOT alone....*hug*
You don't have to feel like this and you don't have to live like this. If you work this program you will find the peace and serenity you seek. You're A won't change, but YOU will. The best thing to do is to go to a f2f meeting, however it sounds like that would be very hard for you. in that case, find a sponsor here online. Work the steps with her all the way thru 1-12. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and now I am with a cocaine addict. They call this a family disease for a reason........if we don't find recovery and heal, we will continue to find ourselves in the same types of relationships. It can carry on to our children and the cycle just keeps going on and on and anon. *Let it begin with me* is one of my favorite slogans. You have the power to let the healing begin with you by working these steps. Please do this for yourself. YOU are worth it. Trust your Higher Power. Pray. Even if you don't know what to pray, just as for His help. You're in my prayers. Feel free to email me privately if you want to talk.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
My ex-husband had the exact same surgery as your husband's doctor has suggested and for the same problem, the terrible headaches. Although there are risks to ANY surgery, I have never heard of anyone being paralyzed by this procedure.
The surgery takes several hours after which the patient has to lie on their back and not turn their head. I believe (if I remember correctly-it was many years ago) that my ex had to remain this way for 24 hrs and was in a neck brace. Once home he needed to wear the brace for at least a few days, maybe a week.
There was a short time that we couldn't have sex, but it was because he was recovering, not because he was unable.
As far as your A not remembering the nasty, hurtful things he says to you while drunk....my A used to occasionally get verbally abusive when he was drunk. I thank God that he no longer does. In my case, it was partially my fault because I allowed it to happen. Since I started coming here, I've learned so much and gained so much strength and in doing so, I learned that I don't have to take the verbal abuse for him to love me. I've told him that I'm not going to listen to his rantings and when he wants to talk to me with a clear head, I'm all ears.
I also bought an inexpensive pocket-size voice recorder so that I can record him if he starts. I'd decided that if he wants to verbally abuse me, then deny the next day, then he can damned well listen to the abuse from his own mouth!! I'm very proud and happy to say though, that I haven't needed to use the recorder since I let him know that I will not respond to his abuse. His occasional bouts have virtually stopped!! My standing up to him has actually brought us closer and also earned his respect. I must warn you though, that being able to walk away and not fighting back is one of the hardest and most difficult things to do, (at least for me) I don't easily let things go. It takes time and a lot of willpower, but you learn to discipline yourself, you must or you'll go crazy. Just say to yourself, "it's not going to help, you can't reason with a drunk", take several deep breaths, walk away and get some space between you. Your A doesn't care what you have to say, it's only fuel for his fire, more reason to verbally abuse you - you're a nag, a b****, you don't love me, blah, blah, blah - don't give him that.
I have an "anger journal"....anything I want to scream at or about him or his behavior, I write in that journal, just to get it out of my head so that I have peace in there. I let it flow out of me onto the pages. There's something very cathartic about burning the pages after I've gotten the words out of my head too.
One thing I've learned here is that you must take care of you, first and foremost, so please take care of yourself. Listen to the wisdom of those much wiser than myself, who have the experience working a strong program. All I can offer is what has worked for me but everyone is different....there is no single cure-all for everyone.
Good luck and much strength to you.
~Arwyn
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"Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
