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I guess I cant say yesterday was REALLY my day one, and if it was, I kind of feel like i've already blown it in a sense. You'll all remember that I put down how my A-exbf blocked me online and how much it was bothering me. Well, last night I saw that he UN-blocked me, as he popped up on my buddylist. I went ahead an blocked him, so that he wouldnt have that option of contacting me (atleast not under his normal screen name), but it makes me wonder, why did he first block me and then go ahead and UN-block me. Who knows, i'll never know the answer to that one. My real question here is this... I'm finding (probably because of my un-addressed love addiction and/or co-dependancy issues) that EVERY NIGHT i'm "checking up" on him! Like a mad woman! I go onto his aol profile to see if any changes were made to it, and I go onto his new myspace page to see if he logged on since August when he last logged on, and if so, if any new friends were added, etc etc. I feel sick!! Why cant I let this go and stop checking on him and just let him go and focus on MYSELF? I mean, in a sense I did ok because all I did was look, I never IM'd him (where in the past I know I would've) or texted or called him, I just let it be. But still, the fact that I dont have the control yet to stop myself from checking on him really bothers me. Has anyone else experienced this?
Been there, done that got the T shirt. Have you read Love Addiction by Pia Melody yet? Her description is very helpful.
I think getting into program, getting a sponsor and getting busy is a good track.
There is no question your A is trying to hook you. Are you hooked? Intrigue is part of love addiction. Intrigue is very consuming and addictive.
I let lots of hooks go by me now but for a long long long time I had to keep naming them.
For me the hooking had to get very very very boring rather than intriguing and exciting one way was to get incredibly busy with my own life, my own goals and my own projects. I deserve a life so do you.
I too have been "diagnosed" as a love addict/codependent. A hard addiction to conquer they say. When my AHsober left three years ago, I literally kept him in my head 24/7. Now, I am better. It is silly but serious. I check his bank account rarely now but try to see where he has been to spend his money (our money because we are not divorced). Joe and Charlie (AA speakers on tape) studied and lecture on the Big Book. They talk alot about obsession of the mind. I think that it applies to me in my love addiction. However, in Alanon we are to focus on our recovery and leave the outside issues to therapy, counseling, etc.
I must say though that I have made progress. I ask myself is it my business, HP's business or someone else's business. I am also told that your HP can't talk to you when you are obsessing.
Maybe the real question is not why can't you let go but why won't you let go? You have got a lot of you invested in him. If he is doing okay and the right thing you will feel completed. If he is not doing okay and the right thing you will feel all the negative feeling possible to those who suffer from the enabling addiction including loss of self esteem. Could it be that you won't decide for yourself what is right for yourself and good for yourself and so you need to find completeness in someone elses life. You cannot be you unless there is a he first? That is the prision I lived in for most of my life until I got into Al-Anon and received "freedom from" and then "freedom to". Freedom from self entrapment and entrapment from other people, places and things and the freedom to decide what it was I really wanted for my life and the freedom to achieve it. I went into physical withdrawals when I cut myself off from my alcoholic wife. I was so addicted to her and without her I went into withdrawals just as if I were a heroin addict.
You have invested so much in him, mind, body, spirit and emotions. It may be too fearful for you at this time to create that hold by cutting him loose. What or who will fill it? In early recovery I heard a woman say that when she cut loose from her alcoholic there was a great big hole left and by attending meetings and taking suggestions and working with her sponsor she came to realize that it was a "God shaped hole" and only her HP could fill it as it is where her HP was until she replace her HP with the god that was her alcoholic.
That is what I did also and cutting my alcoholic out of my daily existence, mind body, spirit and emotions was like ripping my heart out. Still I did it with the help of this program and there is no hole there anymore...only my HP.
I wish you more success as you keep practicing the program. It really does get much much better.
I have def acted like this in the past. I can very easily be consumed and obsessed with another person. It took me a few years to let go of the last A I knew & there were so many obvious signs and resons for me to stop "playing" with him. The A's really seem to get a rush off of our craziest energy. I had to realize that I was acting crazy. Then I had to accept that he was no longer giving me the attention I wanted or deserved... since he was only sometimes available to me and not emotionally available, I finally decided that I didn't want to give him any more of my energy or time. For me, cutting off from certain ppl cold turkey has been the most effective way. The first day you change your behavior is the most difficult. Just replace that behavior with some other behavior. Every time I felt a pull or noticed I was thinking about the other person, I imagine cords unplugging from that person and turning them around & plugging them back into me.
You say you don't have any control but the fact is, you can decide to choose what you do or do not do. You absolutely can control yourself if you want to. But you can't just stop behavior, you have to replace it with something. Create a boundary for yourself to make it easier. Every time you think about him, get up & do 10 sit ups or push ups ~ that will keep you busy!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
This is a program of progress not perfection, your doing well.
Like someone else said the hole in our hearts is a God shaped hole when we fill it up with our higher power other things fall into place, I've seen absolutly amazing changes in a matter of moments when I remember who is in charge and try to remove myself from standing in the way. I know God has a wonderful plan for each day of my life-great happiness and joy and obsessing over my BF has proven to be a great way to block being able to enjoy all the wonderful things my higher power wants to give me.
And....
they know just how to keep us hooked just as much as we (without knowing it sometimes) instinctively keep ourselves hooked, so distance is soo good! Not to be mean, punish or anything like that but to self protect-Does my higher power want me burned-NO-then why do I keep putting my face near the fire and asking him to protect me?
My BF and I had a wonderful warm friendly conversation about nothing- but you could almost feel closeness- a couple of days after I had asked him to move out, and he had moved out- he must have felt it too, because the next time we met/ talked he was back to evasive and cold, and distant- I have no idea why this happens- and I am working on not feeling like I have to understand everything- really this is a big big issue for me - Knowing I don't know why and it's okay not to know why,
I didn't cause his emotional distance or weird way of looking at things or how he interacts with me, or his drinking- I can not cure it (meaning I shouldn't say oh, but if I could just help him "firgure out" why he hurts- and help him) I repeat I cant cure it or control it. I am not his physcologist, his nurse, his minister, or even sponsor in program and I'm not a rehab professional (at least not for him or alcohol) So my job in being with him should have been mutual enjoyment of life together--- that wasn't happening---what did I effectively bring to him-nothing but "creature comforts" a place to live etc. How did being with him help me grow or bring glory to God on this earth, or bring me joy....well nada... I try to think of these things when I want to check his phone, mail, etc. WASTE of time I could do something good for me.
Another thing I learned in program: DOES it really matter- say I checked and found out he was in trouble or talking to someone bad or something--- SO Does it really matter- I didn't cause it, can't fix it or control it!! So leave it alone.
Plus the benefit of not messing with him: I get to have one more day that puts me that much closer to being the real me- not whatever it is I am when I am all tangled up with him.
How do you stop? step by step, little by little, replace old behavior with new good behavior- Read alanon books, exercise, clean, work, pray, study-make yourself talk or think about something else with someone- a sponsor would be great if you don't know yet how that works please ask ASAP! Do something for YOU think YOU what do I want and is it good for me. TAKE care of "your own little girl" inside.
Thanks letting me post this really helped ME today!!!
because I struggle with very similar things like thinking of him 24 / 7 and wondering WHY, what if bla bla bla.. all the while another day of my life zooming by.....and I want to get better ---quick!! I'm alot older than you!
OH my gosh I just realized YOU are a gift from God to me- about 2 mths ago I said I wished to be able to help younger alanons avoid years of pain... long story- your a gift. Doesn't mean I have your answers I'm still struggling- just means God opens doors. thank you higher power
Bottom line for me it hurts to be with him- so I need to let it go-also when I pray and ask higher power to direct my mind and day-sometimes I have to almost "chant" it in my mind over and over and ask him to make me and my thinking what he wants for me... it helps so much!
I've been there. I know what you're going through. What I did was make a new account, and stopped using the old one. Then only adding the people I really trust. Actually I've done that several times. Each time, the list got shorter and shorter of people to have on my list.
Next step for me was to get OFF of the internet. Find something else to do. Delete all bookmarks that lead to the sites you visit. Delete your accounts that he could find. It's the internet, you can recreate yourself. Internet life comes with a huge eraser, and best of all it's free.
Find new sites to visit if you can't log off. I got a fire pit got from the store. I have small fires to keep me off the internet. But to have fires I have to cut and prepare the wood to have the fires. So actually I stay more busy than just the fire. My point is I enjoy a good fire, probably more than I enjoy being on the internet. My A wife always has journaled, and I'm starting to do that. Although I can write more in ten mintues on a computer than I could ever write on paper.
I know it's not Al-Anon's belief to support counseling or anything outside, but I didn't know Al-Anon when I went through a year of Group Therapy, but it really helped me. Mainly because it focused on me, and my mental health. Over the past week, I can identify that I do have sever anger issues, and I do need to address them somehow. Reading this website and the content has brought me immediate peace within. It's given me the answers to questions I didn't know to get answered.
One thing I need to get is an Al-Anon sponsor. As I talk to more people and seek help, I'm finding more and more people struggle the same way I do.
I wish to be more accepting of my A wife, and to curb the anger and rage I feel. It's not healthy for me. I never used to be this way. I know where it comes from, but I have no idea how to deal with it.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
I agree, doing something else can really help. If you can't control just 'checking' while you are on the internet, stay off the internet. Go where there is no phone - don't take your cell with you. There is a whole world of things to do - if you are doing them, you are not checking on your A.
Some things we say here are "fake it til you make it" and "act as if". You may not be able to really FEEL like a healthy person, but you can ACT like one. As that acting starts to feel normal and comfortable, the feeling follows. So, what would a healthy person do after a breakup? Feel bad for a while, sure, so you can give yourself permission to feel bad, and know that you don't have to just 'get over it' right away. Maybe be extra good to yourself for a while - a little bit of ice cream and favourite movies goes a long way. Surround yourself with people who care about you. Take those steps toward being more the person you want to be, that you have been meaning to take - go to the gym, take that class, read those books, take those dance lessons ... All of these normal, healthy behaviours are a way of working your program, because they are a way of keeping your focus on you.
Paint your nails and refuse to mess them up by typing or logging in. Think of yourself inside of a hoola hoop, everything inside that hoop is your business, the rest is not. Whiten your teeth. Color your hair. Call a friend for coffee at a new location. Take a bubble bath. Read your daily CAL approved literature. Bake a new recipe, all the while talking outloud as if you had your own cooking show. Imagine your HP (God) is watching what you do even when no one else is around. Go for a 15 min. walk. Do a crossword puzzle. Take a neighbor child to the zoo. Do volunteer work at the homeless shelter. Take evening classes at your nearest community college. Organize your dresser drawers. Color in a coloring book. Paint the bedroom the color you've been meaning to paint it. Take down your drapes and wash them. Play with your cat or dog. Call a loved one and only speak of good things. Line your lingerie drawer. Tuttor a family friends child on flash cards. Take in a play in your community. Volunteer at a local hospital the hours you are most tempted. Tweeze your eye brows. Fold the laundry. Create your own giftpaper and try new stamps and colors. Create your own jewelry. Make a top 25 list of things you want to do in your lifetime and begin fulfilling that list.
if you haven't noticed a pattern "Make it all about you"
good luck, if you need more ideas once you've used these up feel free to post again.
