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I was reading another post and some responses and I thought this was a good topic because I got stuck on it many times on this road. I wanted to share what I do sometimes and see if anyone else does it and/or maybe it will help someone get through. I used to have to have in my face proof of something because god forbid I wrongly accuse the A (nevermind the fact that there were millions of times I was right and didn't accuse). But I would get caught up in the why, why is he doing this... why does he choose it over me... why does he do these crazy things that make absolutely no sense and are in NO ONES best interest? I found it hard to stop with the whys so finally I just started making up answers. I don't like to have things incomplete, I like loose ends tied up. The reality is either 1 I'll never know the truth or 2 he'll just lie about it anyway so why not just lie to myself and quit dwelling on it?
So I would think why did he say he was going to do this if he wasn't... then I would say because _________________ (insert answer). Doesn't really matter what it is because as someone else wisely said knowing the answer doesn't really make a difference. He still does what he does despite the reasoning behind it. A lot of times he's crazy and can't help himself would fill in the blank but that was just one of my personal favorites. Whatever keeps me going in the right direction with my own though process is what I use to fill it in. If I need to be strong and hold onto anger to get through a rough situation then I fill it in with something that makes me angry. Now I usually don't even bother with it because I have very little idea what's going on in his life. I don't get very many situations where why even applies anymore. But that really helped me when I was in the midst of it and I hope it helps someone else.
Oh the "whys". I was stuck on those for years. Sometimes I actually go back there and waste time still!! I like your suggestion, CG. I fill in the blank with "because he's legally insane, seren, that's WHY. Now, let's examine WHY you are thinking about it...." I go all Freud on myself! LOL!!!
I went to a psychic the other day. A well respected one who I have been to before once or twice. I go for a bit of comfort and cause it is fun. Anyway, towards the end she did ask about the kids dad. And she said "well, he's um, a bit like someone who is trying to fight his way out of a paper bag....he's kind of pityful, isn't he? He can't do much for himself so, it seems he figured the kids would be ok to give up on because they have you. After all, it's not like he could quit his job, he NEEDS that. But he could quit being a dad.....sad."
I was kinda like "yeah, it really is sad. (What JOB?????)" A sad way to live. So now when the "whys" come up I will just say to myself "because he is a sad, pityful person." and that about sums it up. Now what am I going to do today?
Great post, I struggled with this for so very long, also. Trying to make sense, feeling insane, trying to understand..all for naught. thanks and hugs, J.
Hi, Carolinagirl. I'm from NC. I had great trouble comprehending why my AH continued to drink even though the consequences were grave. The answer to the why is that they are insane. No sane person would do what they do. Only an insane person would do what they do. I've learned through the Al-Anon program not to take it personally. It's not a personal attack on me when my AH does what he does. I'm learning how to detach with love. It took a while to learn how to do it, but it can be done. However, I had to ask my AH to leave - almost 4 months ago, which helped with my peace of mind - out of sight, out of mind. He has been sober for 6 weeks now - which is good for him. I feel much better too. I'm currently working the steps with a sponsor. I'm attending face to face Al-Anon meetings and reading posts here.
I don't do the why's anymore either. One of the things that cured me came from a past wise sponsor. One day I was doing the whys on a certain issue I had no control over and he stopped me and asked me, "If you learned the answer what would you do with it?" He also taught me that for me I would always have another "why" after I got a response. He and his wisdom have an appartment in my head; the same appartment my alcoholic use to rent.
Something I learned from a very strong and wise program person was every time I would say "WHY", they would ask me "WHY NOT". Imagine MY surprise when I asked WHY ME, and they said WHY NOT YOU? Powerful stuff. It was merely a symptom of my long time control issues. These days when I get to the "Why"...I know you quickly reply "WHY NOT". Hope that helps.
That was a great post. I always had the "whys" running thru my head, now, I just dont bother wondering....it wont change the fact that it happens. I figure he doesn't know why, how the heck can I? Not my worry anymore...his life, his choices. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
