The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had a rough week. My children are showing signs of anger and how this is affecting them. I have told my AH when I would ask him to stop drinking about my concerns when it came to our kids. Believe me it's part of my anxiety, my eldest has social, and language issues and has been getting help since 6, so this instability makes her worse, my middle child who has always been so passive got so mad on Mon. that he took off his sneaker and tossed it across the room and broke a window in his bedroom and my youngest exhibits the worse he yells at me and pushes me( he's the one that idolizes his father) Like I've written in the past I feel trap and keep hearing about a plan B and for the life of me I can't quite get it. My marriage is very unhappy even if you took the alcohol out of the equation. My H drinks during the work week, either at lunch or after work and uses the excuse that he's working late. There was a time when I would obsess if he was going to come home drunk that day and I would start calling him incesantly to see if his voice sounded drunk. If it did we would fight and I would get mad, sometimes he would say he was sorry. I don't know exactly when things turned but I stopped caring if he did or he didn't. I came to the realization that regardless he was going to drink, and it wasn't worth it. He always got verbally abusive when I challenged his drinking, but as I have become more distant and don't mention his drinking or getting help, he has gotten progressively more verbally abusive. He went on for a couple of weeks where it was unbareable. He would feel bad for the verbal attacks, so for a while he has restrained himself. Last night he got drunk again, called to say that he was working late (yeah, yeah). He missed my boys football practice and when he walked in the house with shirts from the cleaners I couldn't resist and said how I didn't realize the cleaners stayed opened so late. He just when in and passed out on the couch. There was a time when we were happy and it's hard to see the man he has turned into. He sleeps on the couch most days,by choice, and I know my kids must think why don't we have a normal family. Today he showed up sober and was saying how the boys want to quit football and how he can't take it anymore and when I asked what happened they didn't feel that way yesterday, he jumped on me and said "Oh, it's my fault everythings always my fault," or something to that effect. I wasn't refering to him but I was too tired to even try to correct him or explain what I meant, so he went on the couch and passed out. My youngest makes comments all the time how he hates his life this is coming from a nine year old. I want to get out but financially I am no where near, I don't even have a job. I am depressed more than anything else, and I hate to admit, I am embarassed for my self and my children. I know that my AH won't leave, I would have to pack up the kids and go and I know how it will affect them. I get angry at HP at times and ask why(I know that doesn't help the situation) but I can't help it. Please pray for me and my children, and thank you for letting me vent.
I am finding out it's almost useless to argue with someone who is intoxicated. I've only had a week of it, but it really is pointless. I know it's important to not get mad when they get mad. I need to work on this. I used to be real good at not getting mad at people, well at least not showing anger. The constant lying and drinking go hand in hand. Doesn't do any good to pour out the bottle. I'm finding out it's a very selfish act. I'm sad to read your H is destroying his relationship with your children. I'm sure if the alcohol was not in his system, he would not act this way, as I know when my wife is not drinking she is the sweetest thing.
They already feel depressed, alone, and humiliated, then when they argue, they are not arguing, the alcohol is. I do believe it's the demon in the bottle. I do hope the best for your children.
I don't think 1 day is sober. I think a week is sober. My wife showed me she could drink, and I won't notice. She just drank enough to keep from detoxing. She just got through detoxing at home today. It's been a long 8 days from sloppy drunk to a healthy eating, sober, straight thinking, no anger, rehab seeking wife. She starts a outpatient rehab tomorrow. She has a lot of other problems, but the alcoholism goes in hand with them all. She's hoping to address them all and find help. She wants to get better.
You can still be married to your husband but live apart. There are plenty of places to seek help for starting on your own. The best advice is to contact any United Way or Salvation Army. They would know who to call. Maybe stay at a relatives for a few months. Just so the children can have something stable for a little while. So you can have something stable. Maybe then he'll see just how bad this has turned out. He has to see the bottom, and you can't stand there and point. He has chose the bottle. You are choosing life with your children.
Sounds like you did marry a good man, just the bottle has him. When he lies about being somewhere, and is drunk, it's not him lying. He thinks he needs that next drink, and will do anything to get it.
There is a page in here that captured my attention yesterday. I read it and it made perfect sense, as I've been trying to look for answers for the past week. It answered all of them.
Peace, 3Hz
------------I apologize for reposting this, not sure how to post the link--------------- " Alcoholism: A Family Disease
Alcoholism is a one of the biggest health problems in the country. Most "typical" alcoholics are married with jobs and family responsibilities. Alcoholism is an illness that consumes entire families. Because the feelings, thoughts and actions of everyone in the family are affected by the alcoholic's drinking, it is often called a family disease. Family members cannot control the alcoholic's drinking but they can control how it affects their own lives. It is a disease that develops slowly and often it takes years before a family may seek help.
Some typical warning signs of alcoholism are:Frequent use - drinking more often and in larger amounts Promises to drink less or to switch types of liquor and requests to stop "nagging", ignoring or avoiding responsibilities and a lack of interest in activities without alcohol Increased "blackouts" - when a drinker cannot remember what happened during a drinking period Increased tolerance- drinking in greater amounts to get the desired effect. Appearing sober after drinking large amounts of alcohol Alcoholics rely on drinking to function and they become physically addicted to alcohol. Alcoholism is hereditary and certain people have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism.Alcoholics often give reasons or excuses for continuing to drink and blame others for their drinking. Because alcoholism is a family problem, everyone in the family suffers.
Some typical problems include:Guilt: family members begin to believe the alcoholic's accusations and take the blame. Shame: family members withdraw from social activities and keep others away from their home because they are embarrassed by the drinker's behavior. Resentment: children can lose respect for the non-alcoholic parent for not doing anything. Insecurity: alcoholic behavior is unpredictable. As alcoholics drink more and more, they neglect family responsibilities. Financial problems: alcoholism almost always threatens job security and financial affairs. Delinquency: children often act out their resentment and neglect by behaving destructively.
Recovery begins when the alcoholic and the rest of the family recognize the disease and the affect it has on the entire family. Family members need to face the truth and find sources of help such as Al-Anon and individual therapy. They can encourage the alcoholic to get help and provide information about treatment options or speak to a professional about an intervention.Family members should pursue their own interests regardless of the alcoholic's behavior. An unhappy, isolated family will not be motivated to help themselves or the alcoholic. Others should not take the blame for the alcoholic's behavior and should remember that they are not the cause or reason for the drinking and behaviors that go along with it. Families should not threaten without acting. They can obtain the advice of a professional and then decide on a course of action. Enabling or covering for the alcoholic takes the responsibility from the drinker and he or she does not have to experience the negative consequences of the drinking.
The following are some things that family members should NOT do:Threaten, bribe or punish the person into quitting. Hide or dump bottles. Remember that you cannot control someone else's behavior. Take over responsibilities for the person. Cover up problems that occur as a result of drinking. Drink with the alcoholic -you may end up with a drinking problem yourself. Accept unrealistic promises. Alcoholism is not a failure of willpower. Most people need some sort of help to quit their drinking and the only way to handle the disease is to stop drinking.
Once someone accepts and seeks help for a drinking problem, the results may be slow. Recovery is difficult and as a family member, it is important to be supportive and patient. Family problems do not disappear overnight, once the drinking stops. There has been a lot of pain and chaos in the family for a long time and the family may need therapy and support through programs like Al-Anon. Relapses can occur as in any illness. This does not mean the person has failed. Try to be patient and supportive and remember that recovery is a process. Families need support and guidance from people who understand the problem. " --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
The best way i know how to fight this damn disease is to rise above it and recover yourself , we have to start helping our selves , get out lives back so that we can be there for our kids . they need one sane and happy parent , Yor kids have already been affected by his behaior and sadly your reaction to it . We cannot protect our kids from this crap but we can help them to understnd that it has nothing to do with them just like it isn't your fault he's drinking . he drinks because he has a problem period , regardless of what he says . And really think about it do u or the kids want a dad at football drunk ? Sober is not an option at the moment one of the biggest mistakes I made was expecting my alcoholic husb to act normally like other people do . well they don't had to finally figure that out . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , u need support . we have a part in this mess too and until we figure out what it is nothing is every going to change . get out of victim mode get your life back and enjoy . I didn't want to leave my marriage and I believe that comming to this prog is what allowed me to stay in it , i learned how to make my self happy regardless of w hat he was doing . passed on what i was learning to my children all of our lives got easier after I arrived here . good luck take care of you Louise
You didn't mention if you go to local alanon meetings. That's a great place to start with your plan B. They canhelp you see what YOU can doto feel better abotu your life. It's free. You dont have to have insurance or a job to go there. Counselors have different prices, but they are certainly not FREE.
I hate to heear how it is effectingthe kids. We never had kids.Last night when mine was raging and drunk the dogs were hiding under the furniture. I looked at them and thought to myself...woudl I still be here if these dogs wee kids?
One thing i changed and i know you can probably see how it woudl help you. Just tell youself...it's pointlless to challenge if they are drinking or not. It's pointless to argue with them when they are drinking. Walk away. Go to the park. Go visit a freind or relative. Just dont watch him pass out or get in a situation toargue with him. I refuse to argue wiht him when he's drinking. I will go sleep on the couch if needed.
My heart goes out to you and your children. I will pray for you and them. I know your pain. I left my husband years ago due to similiar episodes. We were seperated for a year. When I left, I had to leave my home because I could not afford it. I had no job. I did have peace of mind. It was not easy and the girls were disturbed at first but after awhile things became more normal. I worked on myself, I read Dr. Phil's Life Strategies. That and a friend helped me out tremendously. When I started seeing change in myself it just got easier and easier. I will say that when you take that step all your friends and family will say, "ok, she has finally had enough", and in most cases will help if you are helping yourself. I went and got a low income apartment based on no job. I raised the money for all deposits by selling items in my home. Materialistic things don't come before your mental health, let them go. We (5 of us) lived in a 2 bdrm apartment. That was a small sacrifice to have mental stability. This may sound crazy but the things I needed to hear that I didn't get everyday from others, I would post on sticky notes and put around the apartment so that I could read them all the time. We have trained our minds to absorb the bad so you have to retrain and brainwash your mind to absorb the good. It worked and until this day I still feel very good about myself and I am unshakeable in my morals and standards for myself and my family.
I hope that helped a little.
My prayer for you is to have the strength you need for yourself and your children to have a better life. The confidence in yourself to make a change, because I know you can. Also, that the Lord will surround you with his arms and protect during these life changing decisions that you make. Amen.
sounds like a pretty rough ride. I know full well what it is to carry the whole load and deal day in day out with crisis and chaos. Chaos is too soft a word actually.
detaching is a real real art. Not arguing is a real real art. Of course you have to vent and please come here and do that. Venting and arguing with an A when they are out there is not that productive. Of course it feels very necessary!
I have to de-tach day in day out dealing with my room mates. They are self absorbed, needy, love chaos and make a mess. I have to constantly work on my people pleasing, my wanting to fix everyone and direct and control it all. I can't.
I think Marie Rua's mandate to not fix, direct or control is good.
Of course you want to fix it all you are in the middle of chaos. Sometimes we just have to let it be chaos and work on what we can do and let it go. The A is not hearing you. He may not have heard you for a long long long time. I know that is hard to hear. The A who I was with never ever heard me ever in 7 years. I kept trying to make him hear me. When I got that he didn't hear me it got so much easier. Acceptance was a hard one to get to. When I got there I managed to make a lot in my life change.
). He missed my boys football practice and when he walked in the house with shirts from the cleaners I couldn't resist and said how I didn't realize the cleaners stayed opened so late. He just when in and passed out on the couch. There was a time when we were happy and it's hard to see the man he has turned into. He sleeps on the couch most days,by choice, and I know my kids must think why don't we have a normal family. Today he showed up sober and was saying how the boys want to quit football and how he can't take it anymore and when I asked what happened they didn't feel that way yesterday, he jumped on me and said "Oh, it's my fault everythings always my fault," or something to that effect. I wasn't refering to him but I was too tired to even try to correct him or explain what I meant, so he went on the couch and passed out. My youngest makes comments all the time how he hates his life this is coming from a nine year old. I want to get out but financially I am no where near, I don't even have a job. I am depressed more than anything else, and I hate to admit, I am embarassed for my self and my children. I know that my AH won't leave, I would have to pack up the kids and go and I know how it will affect them. I get angry at HP at times and ask why(I know that doesn't help the situation) but I can't help it. Please pray for me and my children, and thank you for letting me vent.
