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Long story..but we have some very grouchy-hard-to get-along-with next door neighbors. A year ago they threatened the police because our dogs were barking to play ball with them before 6 PM. So we put up a big wooden privacy fence. We left up our chain link on the back side.
This week we discovered they had taken down OUR chain link fince. (and the shed is now exposed where the dogs might dig under it and escape our yard.) Well...I wanted to speak the the man when he was not with his grouchy wifey. So when he drove in from work yesterday, I said..I am going over to talk to him politely about the fence. Hubby yelled WAIT. I did not wait. I went. I talked calmly and politely and got to the bottom. HE thought that fence belonged to his property and he'd be glad to put it back.
I thought it as handled. When i got in...my hubby was LIVID. He started screaming in my face how I did the total opposite of what he told me to do when he said WAIT and I went on over. He grabbed my arms, got in my face as close as he could and SCREAMED at how i better NEVEr tell him no and do something he told me not to do or he will kill me.
He did not talk to me all evening...was again pouting. ANd he was sober.
That's tough to handle. That's tough to detach from...and I am not sure I deserved it at all.
today I have to go to work at 4. He's already drinking...and he already went over and talked to the lady...told her we woudl put up the last 2 wooden panels and they won't have to put up the chain link. He brought up the fact we woudl not have had to do it in the first place if she had not complained. etc. But for the first time I can rememebr, she was NICE.
So I am nto sure what I will come home to after work. Perhaps her hubby will be mad. Perhaps relieved he does not have to put back the chain link fence.
we'll see.
I know it was a mood swing. There was no reason for him to get that angry at me to threaten to kill me. What on earth can I do about these episodes????
LIN
PS...while I was writing this, he left for the liquor store. I hope the police stop him. Maybe it will slow him down. I dont want to get that call from them that he's hurt somebody.
Whoa!! that wasn't even close to sober...maybe dry but not sober. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and you got a demonstration of it. If he threatened to kill you verbally that is reason to call the police. When I was counseling alcoholics and addicts and one of them even mentioned "F" you to me I had the police into the meeting groups as soon as I could and physically I could handle about anyone I was counseling. Today I don't have to do it all by myself and the sight of the police can sober up a situation quite fast, I know because I have had them called on me also. Violence is a part of my past response to fear and the wrong one. If your alcoholic is still drinking he is not near dry. If he is still drinking and behaving in an abnormal and unaccept- able manner is is not sober.
Start getting some program support around you quick, as soon as possible because for me you are right in the target area. If this isn't the first time you have been abused and threatened you need help as it would sound like a disaster looking for a place and person to happen to.
You didn't do anything wrong or unacceptable except to hurt his pride and ego and those are prize possessions for any alcoholic. You got a possible solution to the problem and it wasn't his. Alcoholics are described as being "self centered to the extreem". Your situation sounds that extreem.
Instead of hoping the cops get him and gambling on that being one of your solutions? Take the suggestion of getting recovering program people into the group of people you hang around with. It could save your life.
While he is at the liquor store go look up the hot line number for the Al-Anon family groups and ask where and when the meetings are. At the meetings you will find many of us who have had your life and got the direction and courage to change it. You will find lots of literature; get as much as you can and read it all. You will hear the steps, traditions, slogans and our stories and you will get your chance to tell your story to real people who have solutions who have been there, done that and don't do that anymore because we have learned another way to really live a happy life.
Reach up, ask your Higher Power to take your hand and lead you to where safety is.
Keep coming back here. (((((hugs)))))
ps. You don't have to wait for him to hurt someone. He has already done that. Your post reveals that.
I dealt with that. One is not to answer and not to deal with him when he is livid. I removed myself as much as possible. I did not argue back. If he pulled a scene I just dropped it. I kept very very very very very busy.
I also turned over the way he drove. I made myself ill worrying about it. Sure enough he did hit and run on someone. Thank goodness he never hurt anyone. If anyone I know is a candidate to lose his license for ever it was him.
I'm sorry not to be able to give you the hard and fast answer about the mood swing the first is to make a safety plan for yourself, what to do if he escalates. I never had a really good one. I do now of course and I have no further contact with him! The second is to learn to detach. Arguing when someone is escalating is crazy. Drop it return to it later when he is less off the map. Of course sometimes they are never back on track. Remember the rule how important is it? Does it have to happen now this minute (for me it was always yes but really it was not). I got pulled into his moods very very easly. Now I am really detached my room mates do not pull me into their moods. Do they irritate me, sure thing, do they obsess me no way! I have my own life.
You are on the right track, take care of yourself. Being screamed at is very stressful.
I agree, that's not sober. That's barely even dry. Remember that love is not controlling through fear - find some loving people to hang around for now. I need to also.
Thanks for the replies. After I wrote that, I called the police. They surrounded his truck as Lowes and made him walk a line. He passed that field test, so they gave him nomore. He ASSUMES I was the one who called because I was the only one who knew he was on the way to Lowes. Again he said he could killme if I was trying ot have him arrested. I had to leave for work and he said he was going to call the police and tell them wher I worked was pushing drugs and get the business raided. I jsut told my workers the numbe for the police and they were ready. He did not end up doing that. When I got home he was still angry at me, but was not sayig he wanted tokillme. He was jsut saying he was getting an apartment today, which I doubt. As far as finding a emeting, I have been faithfulyt attending local meetings for over 15 years. I called several of my Alanon freinds during all of this. I cherish the love and support I get there. You are very right abtou that.
And I had not thought of being dry, not sober. That's also right. He goes to AA every week, but he still drinks...so he's not sober.He takes his bi p9olar meds, but then drinks with them, so they dont work properly.
I am not sure what today will bring, but I am sticking to my guns..that it was not ME who called the police. He jstu MIGHT kill me if he finds out I really did call.
His doctors ahve told him he in the midst of a severe manic episode and might do anything. My friends are very worried about me.
Linda, I'll kill you are the three word no one should ever have to here. Not from anyone, little alone a husband. Mood swings, alcohol, meds, and anger can be a ticking time bomb. I don't offer advice but I do think you need to put your white paint brush up and look at your present situation with a clear set of eyes, and ask yourself what would you have done if your next door neighbor, or a neighbor across the street for that matter had threated to kill you.
Abuse comes in many forms. Your husband grabbed you, threatened to kill you, and verbally abused you. No one in any situation deserves such totally unacceptable behavior. I am glad you have the program and friends in it to lean on, but please listen to what they are trying to tell you. (((HUGS))) RLC
P.S. I was writting this post as you were posting your 2nd post. So I know now you did call the police. But nothing changes when nothing chances, and it will raise it's ugly head again. Have a plan. Be safe not sorry. RLC
Thanks RLC. I agree. It's abuse. I've sort of excused it or overlooked it like you overlook the bad behavior of a child who may have a mental condition and bites others. I think of it as a side effect of his disease of manic depressive. We've been married 40 years. I am sure he must have said those words to me sometime in that time, but probaby not in about 35 years. I don't rememebr. He does scream at me alot. But he has not put his hands on me in many, many yars. ANd now it happened twice in one week. (He also said it when he thought I was the one who had called the police.)
I still can't believe they had him walk white lines in teh parking lot an let him come home. They did not even give him a breath test.
He said I had tried my best to try to have him arrested. I guess in a way, I did. But my motives were not to punish him, but to keep others on the road safe.
