The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Struggled today, woke up feeling anxious and upset, was in danger of losing it a bit. So to get out of the house I went into town shopping. Usually I would be buying lots of goodies to take to my partner on a visit to his rehab. Honestly you'd think it was his birthday with the amount of 'presents/goodies' I take up there.
I've recently read that lavashing gifts on those I care about is a control pattern in a codependant.
Anyway I resisted, it was hard and I felt a little sad. It was hard to leave his favourite sweets on the shelf, and not focus on things he likes, but do you know what I did and not only that I bought myself something, and a present for my daughter. Ok, its not that massive a deal you might say, but for me it was a first, and took alot of self control. It also highlighted how much work I need to do. I've found details for local Alanon and Coda meetings, and I will be going along. I realise I need a whole load more tools in the box if I'm going to survive the next few months.
Just wanted too share that. I'm learning alot from you all, and thank you for your support. I'm going to visit my daughter for a few days, thats a tonic in itself, will miss checkin in, but I know you'll be here when I return.
Wonderful progress, and I know exactly how that feels! I still have a problem buying for everyone else, and not me.
When I worked the one week at the counseling center and got paid, I started off picking things up, putting them back (for myself) and figured I just needed to walk through the discomfort of taking care of self for a change!
I bought a purse, billfold, nightshirt, things I have needed desperately for YEARS! LOL!
Keep up the good work, gal!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Carol: I bought the A so much. I never did notice he didn't buy me anything after he had hooked me in! He never did think of me and what I wanted!
I am so glad you resisted. My whole life used to be around him. Buy yourself stuff. I went to a Chinese store yesterday and saw a new fruit I have not tried. I constantly experiment with cooking myself things. Treat yourself well. I have found it takes practice but it is so worth it. I feel so much better for it. My whole life was arranged of living through him rather than for me. I lived through his approval and I really got very little for it.
I buy for everyone, especially my AW. I have holes in my jeans, and fix-a-flat in my tires to keep them inflated. Always feeling broke, but never broke to spend money on the AW.
She is always buying lavish take out dinners for herself. Last night, was the 1st night I did not share a take out meal with her since we been together. She says, "So I guess I'm on your shit list now". She was still detoxing. I'm not going to feel guilty to buying for me. She does buy for just her all of the time. Maybe once a month I might get something cheap for a meal. Just the mentality.
She always claims to not know what to buy me. I've tried to point a few things out, and that just goes out the window. She'll see something she'll like in the next isle, and for the next hour she's dropping load of cash for it. I do not expect it, I really don't. Something once in a great while would be worth it. I wouldn't care if it's a puzzle book, or box of candy.
My wife is committed to going to rehab tomorrow. I got her a nice card, some candy, a plant, and plush stuffed puppy. She cried she was so happy. It meant a lot to her. This week has been hell for both of us, and I just want to reassure her that she is the most important person to me. She is terrified at what she did the past week. She feels huge amount of humiliation.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
You are doing the best you can. The beauty of recovery is that we can start it all over again, any time we want too. I have slipped so many times in my recovery it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there!
Some of my favorite slogans that helped me through the really rough times: PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION, ODAT AND BABY STEPS. It didn't take you a week to become this way, so why would recovery be instantanious? I know we want it NOW. It takes time. Just be patient and realize that it will come. Good for you for taking care of yourself! You go girl! Keep up the great work. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Keep up the great work. Love and blessings to you and your family.