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Hi! I am a newbie because I can no longer deal with what is going on in my life with out some support. I have taken xanax to deal with it in the past and quit taking that and now experiencing anxiety attacks due to not wanting to deal with confrontation.
My mother-in-law is an alcoholic. The only things that bother me with her is when she takes low shots at my children. Recently she has harped on ones weight, ones friend and the other having grandmotherly relationship with one that loves her. She has also tried given my kids alcohol in a milkshake and that was a no go. I am at wits end and to the point of redneck rough em' up in the mud, right about now.
I believe their are no victims only volunteers and this is a different game for me.
When she has my kids alone she bad mouthes me. When my husband stands up for me because he is sick of hearing it she won't talk to us for weeks and then ends up in the hosipital for not taking her meds right. When I confront her with issues she is liking talking to a unreasonable lunatic. I am so sick of the arguments over things like her stepping over my boundaries and boundaries I make clear not to cross.
I had a very difficult relationship with the exA's mother. She was an alcoholic I am sure of it. I generally avoided her. A's can tend to be enmeshed so that helped. What really helped a great deal was de-tachment. I had to practice that though.
Are there alternatives to your having your children be alone with her?
Why don't you brain storm this. We do have a chat room you can go there and brain storm it with various people. Believe me there are people on this board who have lived with, dealt with and managed very difficult situations.
I used to really let the A's mother in law get to me. Over time that got better for me but I had to work a fierce program to get there. I now very much welcome that she is no longer part of my life, it is a huge relief. Nevertheless as long as I was with the A on some level I had to deal with her and one huge tool was detachment, another was avoidance.
Avoidance and detachment, I do religiously. When I do she calls my husband at work and reems him out for me not answering her calls. As far as my children go, they sometimes want to stay and then they get a hat full and come home the next morning. Recently they have not wanted to be around her at all. I am sure my husband will hear about this too. I am torn between loyalty to my husband with dealing with her. If it was just me she would have had charges against her for giving alcohol to my children and a boot in the butt as she turned to go her way.
I am very bull headed and will not stand for her to butt heads with me when it comes to the well being of my children. I have talks to them about their feelings and how to deal with her. There main fear is the outburst she has but sometimes depending on their beliefs that doesn't matter. They know if they can't handle it I will. She just keeps on and on and on.
I am going to order one of these recovery books immediately.
Hello and welcome! I once dealt with this exact same situation. Now thankfully, I don't have to anymore. Let me ask you, Is there a reason you have to see this person? It sounds like to me she is verbally abusive regarding your children and you. And you said she tried to give your children alcohol? (I am assuming they are younger) - that would be a deal breaker for me. No way, would I let this person alone with my child.
I think it is very good that your husband supports you and sticks up for you, but:
When my husband stands up for me because he is sick of hearing it she won't talk to us for weeks and then ends up in the hosipital for not taking her meds right.
This is not your problem. She is choosing not to talk to you (which you might want to take as a good thing) and it is her choice not to take her meds. She knows what she is doing by this. Its called manipulation - they do this very well. Do you also know that you can't reason with an A? There really is no point. Usually, it is a big waste of your energy. And you said you put up boundries with her? How is she crossing these boundries if you really are enforcing them? Stick to your guns and watch out for you and your kids first. Anxiety attacks are not fun, as I had them severly before finding Al-Anon. I also used to use xanax, so I know what you are feeling. But you have to stay healthy for you and your children. Xanax is also very addictive, so I would be very careful there. I noticed that once I started taking it, just after the first week, I could tell the difference on the days I didn't take it. Maybe you could try some f2f meetings, or read some books on living with Alcoholism. That is the best recommendation I could have for you - the meetings are great!
Thank you for your responses. Yes, giving alcohol to children is child abuse in which I told them to dump it out. I feel as though I deal with situations as they come but it has been very overwhelming lately. For instance I have seen her twoce in the last two weeks. Once Sunday and there were several family members there, so she acted right. Then today when I didn't answer the phone, the nutbucket came over here and asked me to do something. Which of coarse I went I did it. I am feeling the suction already! She sucks me back by GUILT! GUILT! GUILT! Light bulb moment! She sucks me back in by guilt. Example, really normal today given me a prestaged present she left out for me to find, amongst other things.
I don't have a reason why. Other than that is his mother and she has inflicted years of this on him. I on the other hand am no better. I think because they didn't drink all of it before I realized it had alcohol in it that it dismissed the problem and let her know once again it was not going to happen. I know once again. This happened once before years ago. OK, if I keep typing I will figure out this little mess I am in.
(((Laauren))) Welcome, I was born and raised in Newton,Ms. Moved away at 21. My parents live their now. Glad you are here and trust me you are at the right place. The members of this board have tons of ESP ( Experience, Strength, and Hope ). That is what people in Al-Anon have to offer. That is what can help you more than you can ever know. If I had a wish it would be that you would take full advantage of the opportunity to take care of yourself, and your children with the Al-Anon program.
In this program we learn to take care of ourselves first. Put the focus on yourself. Sounds selfish doesn't it? It's not!! It is the only way you can realize the grip that alocholicism has on you, your husband, and your children. It will make you crazy.
I live with an active A my AW. Life can be a roller coaster ride living with an active A. I am a very strong person, had always handled any problems life handed me. Alcoholism is a different animal to deal with. It makes us just as sick as the A in our lives. We can't change the A in our lives we can only change us. I finally accepted step # 1 of the 12 steps we practice that "I realize I am powerless over alcohol, and my life had become unmanageable". Sound famular? It hits home doesn't it. Anyone who lives with or has lived with an alcoholic realizes at some point that no truer words were ever spoken.
In Al-Anon we use the 3 C's. We did not cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Alcoholism is a disease with no cure. The only person who can help the A is the A themselves. Some decide they want help and seek it out through treatment or AA. Some continue to drink and loose their health or die from the disease. Alcoholicism is a progressive disease. It eats at the heart of the A and can destroy most things that it comes in contact with. It is sad to see a loved one slowly die in the grips of this terrible cunning disease. I say that with a heavy heart. My AW bought a case of 24 beers yesterday. I don't count can anymore. Well, I confess today when I got home from my business I checked. Eight can remain. I refer you to the three C's again. Just like you I get so sick and tired of it. The only difference between us is I have a program that I practice everyday to the best of my ability. Al-Anon has given me the tools to deal with the problems thrown at me by the A in my life. It can do the same for you.
Being on this board and ordering litature is good, but nothing can replace Al-Anon Face 2 face meetings. Look up meetings in your area, you can find listings for Al-Anon in the phone book, or go to www.alanon.org. You will meet people just like yourself who are dealing with the same problems you and your family are facing. They will welcome you with open arms just as the members of this site have. Your husband need Al-Anon just as much as you, I hope you can convience him to start attending also. An A affects the entire family, that is why it is called a family disease.
This week marked two years I have been attending 2 meetings each week. Best decision I ever made. Why do I go to two meetings each week? I go to keep the focus on me and not the A in my life, and I go to hopefully be able to share some amount of ESP with other members and newcomers.
Again I am gald you are here. Jump head first into this program not only for you but for those children. Keep coming back. (HUGS))) RLC
I have realized that I do not have any control over this issue. I realize that I cannot just boot her out of my life. I also realize that she has walked all over my boundaries with no real consequences. I also realize that this is effecting my family on all levels. My family meaning my husband, myself and my children.
I sat down and talked with my husband last night. Believe it or not we are very close but just normal, dealing with our feelings with this issue. Marty tends to get mad because like me doesn't know what to do about it and can't just toss her out. I pointed out that he takes his anger about her out on me when we talk about it which teaches me not to express my feelings to him and he needs to direct that towards her. He also has taught the girls not to tell him anything because they are scared that he will show his anger towards them also. Anyway, we discussed this and the girls told him the things that their grandmother says to them and how she treats them. They also told him why they haven't spoke up before. Although he was visible disturbed by all this, it was a step in the right direction and allowed the girls to express their feelings.
I also told him when he was ready to get on here and read what I wrote and the responses. I know that this will be very hard for him because it is for me. He can only take reality in small doses. His brain absorbs one reality check and then moves to the next. I am hoping that we can read the book that I am ordering at night before we go to bed.
Well, that is where I am at for now. I feel that it was a huge step for my family though.
Thanks to all for sharing, being blunt because I know that I am going through denial and I need BLUNT right now.
I am having a hard time with, "why don't you press charges?". Honestly, I don't know why, because I felt that I could take care of my children and protect them. Because that seems so harsh but no not really. I always tell myself when people close to me act bad, if they were someone else would you so willingly dismiss their actions. NO! I will tell you I am really thinking hard about what you said. This is the second time it has happened regardless of the time between episodes. It is just very difficult to deal with. Thank you so much.
I think that you being able to have a family discussion about this and get everything out was awesome! Especially since your children were able to express themselves and what they were holding back. I know it is a very hard road, but your starting to do something! Awesome! Can you find meetings in your area? They might really help your husband in understanding all of this and how to handle his anger. About the pressing charges thing, I guess if you didn't want to press charges, I would be very clear with yourself and your husband about your plans for dealing with this person and having her around your children - in otherwords get a plan going ahead of time. Keep posting!
Oh my, I am so glad that I didn't post last night. Just when I thought that things were taking a turn and I might be able to get things going in a different direction, poof that went out the door. My husband just informed me that dingle dorf is being kicked out of her current home and coming to live with us because after all this is mother. I am so numb. Is there a Dr. here that can give me IV xanax?
