The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I go home today, and log onto my computer as I always do... He's on as usual. Then he's off. I had a feeling he blocked my screen name so I logged on under my other email and sure enough, I was right! I was in shock! Why the baby games? Why the need to block me when it was made clear that there would be no talking between us anymore? I dont know, maybe its just me, but sometimes I think he just does things like that to get under my skin because he knows it's going to bother me. Well, it worked. It wasnt even like I tried to talk to him or ever would again. Why did he have to block me? And better still GOD!! WHY IS IT BOTHERING ME SO MUCH???!!! I shouldnt even CARE what this person does with himself from here on out after the way things went! UGH! HELP! I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!
For what ever reason it might be anger and resentment...too sad. You hate feeling like this so now what do you do. Forgive and let go or continue to fight? It takes two he can't battle without you and with out you you have no battle. Work at it. Practice, practice, practice and aim for progress not perfection.
alcoholics make no sense. they do things that make no sense. No sense in trying to make sense out of senselessness. Just pass it off to HP- only a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity! You can drop-kick it, you can toss it or you can whip it good but whatever you do, let it go. Hugs, J.
Wow, I dont know how i'm supposed to let go of all this hurt and anger! Its just so confusing to me why it bothers me that he blocked me like that... It shouldnt even phase me right? For some reason it did. I guess for some reason it hurt me. There, I said it. With that move right there that was his way of saying "I truly dont ever want to speak to you again", and for some strange reason, it just hurt me thats all. I dont know why, and I just wish I understood it! Why I would feel BAD that someone who treated me in an abusive manner, didnt return my feelings and is incapable of loving anyone now blocked me. It shouldnt matter to me, I shouldnt even care! So then why do I? Its just eating at me!
You already asked the question that I was going to ask: Why do you care?
Keep the focus on you and not the A.
The A is expert at pushing buttons and trying to get us to react--that way, we continue to play into the drama that drives the dysfunction.
Have you thought about blocking his screen name to remove the temptation for you to check on him?? In the early stages of detachment, it can be helpful to remove easy access. I had the cell phone company block the usage details from our online statements while I waited for him to get his own phone. I was checking it online like a madwoman and driving myself nuts even though I had no control over him or the situation. It helped save me from myself to remove my access.
Hang in there and try to get to a F2F meeting.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thanks, i'm new to all the terminology... What is "F2F"? Is that different from a regular al-anon meeting? Yeah, I already blocked him from all my screen names. I cant block him from calling or texting me because we have different carriers. I know what you mean about checking like a madwoman though, he just started up a new myspace account and i've been looking on it everyday like an idiot, I know, it sounds pathetic but it's like i'm obsessed with it! I just wanna see if he's logged on at all or if he has any new "buddies"... Not that I can do anything or that it would make any difference to know. Better to just cut myself off from all of that. As i've learned before with him, time heals all... But still, it just bothers me that I let things get to me like this and that I have this kind of detachment problem from him. Like i'm addicted to him or something! Man, I really do need a meeting... The next one is Thursday, i'm there I think...
First let me say this. What I am about to say is not meant to offend any of the men on this board and I apologize if I do. It certainly isnt my intention.
From personal experience, most men are SOOOO different from women when it comes to relationships. Whether they are an alcoholic or not, most dont take a relationship to their heart like most women do. Most are not sensitive to a womans feelings either.
Only recently have I discovered that there are men out there that do take their relationships to their heart and are sensitive, compassionate, loving and kind with no alterior motives.
It took me a long time to find one that was all those things. Keep looking and he'll eventually appear. We just have to dig a little deeper and weed through all the ones that play those baby games, that arent compassionate, sincere, and the ones that dont take relationships seriously.
I once had a boyfriend that did similiar things (he wasnt an alcoholic or an addict). He would sign online, then block himself. Being a women, we can figure out how to tell that he's still online. Sure it bothered me. Sure I thought he was cheating, or flirting with someone online. The games get old though and it wasnt until I stepped back and stopped obsessing over him that I realized I needed to end that relationship all together.
Glad I did. Several relationships later I found an awesome guy who has all those traits I look for in a man.
__________________
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
F2F means a "face to face" meeting. You will find alot of support on this board, but at least for me, it is not the foundation of my recovery. I use the board to supplement my Al-Anon program. Some folks can't make a F2F meeting for health reasons, etc. If you can go, I would really encourage you to try it. You will find folks who know exactly what you are going through because they have gone through it themselves. I remember such a feeling of relief at my first meeting when I realized that I wasn't crazy and that there was hope.
I think you hit it on the nail when you said it's like an addiction. Alot of the Al-Anon literature talks about the A being addicted to the alcohol and the Al-Anon being addicted to the A. You are not alone!!
Remember, one day at a time (sometimes for me, it was one hour or one minute at a time in the beginning).
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I don't think the issue is whether men "take a relationship to their heart" like women do. And given that this is a board for Al-Anons, I do think it has to do with As.
The question is, why do we pick As? I know that for me, there was something about my AH that drew me to him. And, I know that even now, I am attracted to As. There is something about them that I am drawn towards. A large part of my recovery has been trying to figure out what that is. Some of the reasons relate to character defects in myself that I have been working on as I work the Steps. I really believe that as I get healthier, I will attract healthier people--men and women.
I would encourage you to read some Al-Anon CAL (conference approve literature) and learn all you can about the Disease--theirs and ours.
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Your so right about it being like an addiction, the way we behave around these guys they might as well be ****** (insert a subtance of your choice). If you were trying to give up smoking say, you wouldnt keep tobacco in the house, you would try your best not to not to light up, you'd keep busy and try to distract yourself from the substance. Apply those tactics to avoiding him, dont get your 'hit' by checking on what's he's doin, dont facilitate contact, pretty soon those intense feelings will lessen. Spend all that energy on yourself and you'll feel better and less hurt. Hope you don't mind me saying all that, it's just that I know how you feel and I know how painful it is. You'll be fine Cherrygirl you've found MIP and it is just that.
Keeping busy is one thing we do. I used to monitor the ex A a lot. Even when I left him I was very anxious about where he was, what he was doing, what he did with his time. I had to work so hard on de-taching from that. I can't say it arrived overnight. One tool I used was to deliberately work on not knowing where he was or what he was doing. Maybe you can do the same online. You can work on deliberately not going to the online sites he goes to. Go someplace else. Make it an art, have one day with no contact at all, no looking where he is!
One day becomes another day becomes another one. Pia Melody has some great suggestions and steps on dealing with ways to detox from love addiction. Some of us certainly have those traits. There is also a love addiction program that is helpful to some people. Their tools are slightly different from ours here but they do have tools.
I don't think we can shoulda coulda woulda ourselves. De-taching is hard work. We have to start where we are which is at a 5 lb weight then work up to the 300 lb weight which is the idea of not having him in your life anymore. Start with an hour, a day, a afternoon, more than one day, work up to it. I certainly was not strong enough to completely let the A for a l ong long time. Eventually I did but I had to do it at my own pace and without anyone shoulda coulda wouldaing me.
When you find yourself fretting about "why" our A's do or don't do certain things, ask yourself this simple question:
If you knew the answer to your question, would it REALLY change anything???
In the immortal words of my wise old sponsor, try to focus on the "whats", and not the "whys". In the (almost) immortal words of Joe Friday, of Dragnet fame - "Just the facts, ma'am".
Take care Tom
p.s. one other gem from my sponsor, that helped me when I was fretting about similar stuff, was to view our A's with a large SSS stamped on their foreheads, which stands for Sick, Sick, Sick. We have an unnerving tendency to keep expecting sick and irrational people to behave in healthy and rational ways...
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
HI... I'd say this is just a grasp at doing it to you first before you get a chance to do it to him. Like in middle school when you'd dump a guy because you thought he might dump you and you didn't want to be the dumpee. Some people are still stuck in middle school! The real problem is what you brought up, why do you even care if you had no intention of talking to him anyway and why are you feeling that way? That's what I'd spend my time on, evaluating why does this bother me so much???? How am I vested in this?? What am I gaining here??? Etc.
