The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my 'girlfriend'..the woman that caused me to get into this program says she is coming back from detroit to see me..says she realizes she loves me bla bla bla
i have told her repeadedly that i am not in love with her..don't want her to come back..all though i sat on the phone with her for hours yesterday..eventually throwing my phone against the wall
she is saying she is gonna try to get her act together and stay sober..i can easily fly off the handle with her..and in my minds eye is see good and bad..but the bad is me putting my hands around her neck etc etc
i really do not know what to do about this situation..it has gone so far
she keeps saying that she loves me and misses me..and even though i miss her a little..i certainly do not miss her neediness..her money and family issues etc etc
i have no phone now..which may be a great thing..but i think she thinks shes gonna be staying with me..and if all goes as it was before there is gonna be some big problems
i have thought of restraining orders and the such..calling the cops if things get out of hand
she cheated on me a month or so ago...but that was all right because i was pushing her away anyway..and wasn't having sex with her
the bottom line is i feel like this woman is a burden on me..is taxing on me and generally i can only deal with her a few hours at a time
i aien't working right now..allthough i do own a company...and she is deffinitely not working and has no money
she says she can not sleep anywhere except when she is with me
my general feeling is i wish she were out of my life for good
I have the same wish for you. That you take care of Charles first. If you don't, who will? If you really don't want this woman in your life, then you need to make it very clear to her. Don't forget, their sickness doesn't allow them to see things so clearly. You may have thought you made it clear to her, but in her eyes, you probably didn't. She's probably in denial about it too.
If you don't want her here with you, then set that boundary and stick to it. Change the locks if you have too. Change your phone number. If she shows up, don't let her in. If she sleeps outside on the street so be it. Do you really want the chaos back in your life?
Jean said it so well. Not making choices, is a choice. Those "nonchoices" will certainly have an impact on your life. Sounds to me like it's not going to be a positive impact.
Recovery is about taking back your life. It's about living the life you so richly deserve. It's about making the choices that are in the best interest of you, not the addict. It's about living strong. Time to take back your life. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Charles, why did you stay on the phone so long with her? What are your motives?
I relate to the behavior, I did the same thing. I was sooo addicted to the drama. On the phone, we yelled, we hung up on each other, someone would call back, endless silence... crazy, crazy. I suppose my motive was to try and salvage things, but a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. I know this now, thanks to recovery. Two sick people trying to have a healthy relationship... not gonna happen.
I sense temptation in your post about the sex... I relate to that too. We had great sex. And it always felt like everything was going to be okay afterwards, like everything had been fixed. How is that possible? My sick mind believed it was.
These behaviors were a pattern. It went on for 26 long years. What insanity.
I am reminded of when I first began recovery, it was Fall. I would pray that I could let all that was not healthy for me, fall away from me like the leaves fall away from a tree. It was not easy to accept, that my marriage was unhealthy, and making me insane. I slowly began to realize that these desperate behaviors of mine, were not of God. Stillness. Consciousness. These are my Higher Power.
My experience is, we cannot make ourselves strong, peaceful, joyful, loving... we need our Higher Power, who alone accomplishes these miraculous things. We just need to be honest, open and willing.
-- Edited by glad lee at 10:05, 2008-09-09
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Maybe its good you have no phone anymore. I did that the throwing of the phone against the wall. I was very much addicted to the A. Have you read Love Addiction by Pia Melody. I think that might give you a frame of reference.
Keep working on you. Why not get really super busy so you are not at home anymore. If she calls you are out.
what you are going through sounds all too familiar to me. After I broke up with my bf(which happened many times), he would call after a few days, I would talk to him, one of us would get upset, hang up the phone, call back. He would come over after I told him not to, stand outside the door, beg me. There were times I did not let him back in and did not answer the door. It always took a week or two weeks and I would let him back into my life. I believed his promises.
Somehow I always got sucked back into the desease, exept for the last time. I made it clear I would not see him again unless he stopped drinking. I remember those times when he called and I didn't answer, he got upset and left messages. He even followed me around in his car, crazy stuff.
