The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Please accept my apologies for not trusting this family in my dark night. I really have learned a very valuable lesson there; and, if you can bear it, I will entrust you with the reasons why I found myself in that boat, out in the middle of a wild storm without sail, rudder, oars or compass, feeling in danger of sinking and never finding my way back to a safe harbour, when the lights of that safe harbour where clearly visible and the wind was blowing me right back into it.
This last month has been like living in hell but for my son and his girl friend and her family. I eventually travelled home on Saturday, 30 August; they would not let me go home until I was feeling a little stronger in spirit. My son took a week to come to terms with his sister's behaviour and began to change his attitude towards me with the help of his girlfriend who also told him some home truths about his sister and her bullying ways....K worked with my daughter and was bullied by her at work...now K has been promoted and J is doing K's old job - well some parts of it as she has not got the qualifications to take it over completely. Think my son has been a bit taken aback but he was very kind and very caring the last week I was there and we enjoyed some quality time together and the three of us talked as we have never been able to talk before. He was very loving when I left and told me a number of times how much he loves me and cares and missed me and is hoping to be able to come up with K more once he has got a little more time. He has been working six days a week and five nights also. He has only been getting Sundays off and he looked very tired and he confided that his shoulder injury was not what he had told me before but that he had been airlifted from Afghanistan after being shot in an ambush, which I had suspected but could not put together with the few pieces he had told me before. No one, not even his girlfriend, his sister or his father had been in on all of this, he said that he had told me the most, but had not been able to tell me all because he was having such a bad time of getting over it. So now I understand some of the things I could not understand before.
He will NEVER go back to Afghanistan, Bosnia, Kosova, Bahrain, Belize, Iraq, Sudan or any other theatre of war, praise God. God has heard my prayer and honoured it by keeping him alive and now out of the loop of active service in Iraq or Afghanistan any more. I think four tours was at least three too many with all the others I know about and the ones I am not allowed to know about, it is because of all this that he has been through that he just does not want to be involved with the pettiness of his sister's bullying and falling out and blaming angry way of life. However, he and his girlfriend and her mother have been in touch with me almost everyday since I came home, which has surprised me somewhat.
Now I am home I am going up and down like a yoyo. Struggling with some of what I have learnt about my son too...but happy that he has told me and trusted me enough to hold that in my heart and pray and not betray his trust to the rest of the family.
I had a very bad fall in the local supermarket on Monday of this week and was taken off to the Queens Medical Centre by paramedics after I injured my back, knee, neck shoulder and elbow from slipping in a huge pool of water by the vegetable counter baskets; and ended up with my head in the cabbage basket. Hey folks, I was the best cabbage there but no one picked me. Instead I ended up in a body and neck/head brace and spent four hours at the hospital awaiting x-rays as the paramedics thought I had endured a spinal injury.
The ambulance took 25-30 minutes to get to me, meantime I was lying on the floor in freezing cold water and lying against a refrigeration pipe that went from my right hip up and across to my left shoulder. I was blue by the time the paramedics came. Luckily the freezing water and the refrigeration pipe stopped a lot of the bruising and kept the swelling down to a minimum. Perhaps that is why I am finally finding it so hard to get my head around my situation.
It took a further hour in the x-ray department whilst they took over 12 x-rays., and my doctor now thinks I should be glowing after all that and the two whole body scans I had just a month and a half ago. Nothing broken, but I have a lot of inflammation and swelling and bruising and a whip-lash injury. So, I am bit uncomfortable to say the least, and on Diazepam, as a muscle relaxant and a higher dose of Fentyal, (which is used in anaesthesia) patches for pain relief, and will be on that for the rest of my life so I am told.Just feeling the effects of the morphine and the entanox and other stuff they pumped into me wearing off and feeling aches I never thought I could possibly have even my wrists and fingers hurt, and my feet and ankles and (don't laugh) my derrière! Been up and walking around the house for the first time today and feeling better for that even though it hurts.
My friends here, in England, have been wonderful.
A week in bed is NOT my idea of heaven, I find it hard to sit still for an hour let alone be in bed ALL DAY, day after day, and friends have been coming over morning noon and night to give me breakfast, dinner and supper and do my washing up, laundry and other stuff. I have therefore had a lot of time to stare at the ceiling (it was flat bed rest for the first three whole days!) and think, and think, and think, and think with not much distraction.That is probably where my stinking thinking has come from you know, I do not think I belong here because blah blah blah
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm, probably not good for my Alanon programme and progress either after that horrifying week at my daughters and then her return when she turned on me and blamed me for the children's behavioural problems and aggression.
Situation at present is that she has once again told me that she does not want me in her life, and that I cannot contact, write, phone, text or send anything to the children either and she wants nothing more to do with me EVER again.
Her brother is absolutely furious as is his girlfriend and his step sister, who his sister has also cut out of her life.
Learned a lot about the children, my daughter, her boyfriend (who is good for her and the children however, he too has a drug problemsmokes the odd whateverI dont know not into that one so dont even know what it is he is into,) and the current father-daughter relationship, and step-sister/brother relationship.The latter two are apparently out of favour too, but the step-sister knew about the latest situation with me through her step-father.What a family?
Sick of it and I don't want to live like this any more. I am 58 and have put up with this blaming bullying and aggression from my daughter since she was 16 years old...she is 34 now. Enough is enough and I do not care if she cuts me off for two days, two years or twenty years, I cannot take the bullying anymore and I have decided I am NOT going to take the bullying any more.
I am just very sad about not being there for the grandchildren. I was making head way with the middle child - she was the one who had been cutting herself - I hope that one day she will realise that I have not abandoned her but that her mother has banned me from contacting her. I am worried about her, but my son tells me he will keep an eye on the situation and if anything is said to him he will make sure the children know that I love them and do not want to be out of their lives.
So, thank you for listening to this ramble.
Thank you too for your wonderfully supportive responses to my earlier postI dont think I belong here anymoreI am right where I should be and where I belong...
Thank you also, for putting up with my poor me and for reading this long out pouring; the conclusion of which I have come to believe is:
Why NOT me?
1.I do have this wonderful family, and
2.I have my beautiful church support group and
3.dear friends who care and
4.I have the God of my understanding, who, if I will only let Him, will take it all upon HIS shoulders and carry me too. , for He is my Higher Power.
5.And, furthermore, I have a sponsor who makes me stop in my tracks and LISTEN TO MYSELF.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 00:54, 2008-09-09
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
So glad someone didn't make sauerkraut out of you when you were "among the cabbages!!"
One of the fantastic things about al-anon is that not everybody is having a "crises of faith" or whatever, at the same time. So when I slip, there always seems to be someone there to help me back up.
One of the little miracles of this program that I am so grateful for!
You do sound better! Praise HP!!! So glad for your post.
My daughter behaves similarly toward me. She is 21. For whatever reason, she is favoring her alcoholic dad in this divorce. Recently, she set up a time to meet with me, and then she didn't call, didn't show up, nothing. I know that if I say a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g, she will put up her defenses and make me the bad guy, it's all about HER. I am powerless over this.
To take care of myself, I am like you... I am staying away. I am choosing detachment at all costs. Who needs this? My serenity is way too precious, now that I've gotten a taste of it.
In perfect love, HP has brought to me what I need, people who CAN be trusted and who truly care. My sponsor always reminds me to pray with my hands held open... to let HP take what is not good for me, and to bring to me what is. My part is to trust. Hard as it is to "Let go and let God" with your children, I am practicing trust, just for today....
I like what David said about everyone not having a crisis at the same time! During crisis, this fellowship has walked me right back to God every time!!! Sooooo grateful to be walking with you (((Suzannah)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Pipers Kitty and I are so glad that you sound better. We were worried about you. I bet you were the best looking cabbage there! Of that I have no doubt. I don't know about sauerkraut, but I do know about bubble and squeak!
"Wisdom is as the Morning Light....a gradual illumination."
Sometimes we forget to look at the morning light or open up the shades. When we do remember things seem much more clear. Glad you opened up the shades. Take good care of you. Let others help you. I too don't like lying in bed when I'm sick. But you have to remind yourself that you are doing it so you can get out of bed! Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Keep taking such great care of yourself - you deserve it and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
I also have a daughter that tries to use her children as leverage with you can't see them anymore, they'll never know who you are, blah, blah, blah - with her it lasted about 12 hours.
Praying that your daughter will find her path to a healthier way of life for herself, her children and her family.
Regardless of her, you sound like you are doing AWESOME!! You are definitely no "Saurerkrout" :)
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am so glad you are feeling better! Well spirit-wise that is. Gosh, that sounds like a bad slip you took! And I do believe now, when I am feeling a bit down, I will say "I am amongst the cabbages.....*sigh*" LOL!!!
You know, you can keep in contact with your grandchildren despite what your daughter wants. Unless she can prove you have physically harmed them then you can send all the cards and presents you want. Calling maybe hard because she could intercept the calls, but that's your choice. I know that I have told my MIL to not contact my kids but that is because she had a convicted child molester living with her, she would say mean and painful things to my kids, she is actively involved with members of the family who use and deal drugs. With my mother, I have tried to keep contact to a minimum between us but I have never said she can't see or be with the kids. I just have boundries when it comes to where she can see them. It has to be at my house rather than hers and so she refuses to see them much at all despite the kids dying to be with her. It's a shame. Family situations are so complicated and drama filled.
I sometimes think that if families could treat each other as they treat strangers (with respect and kindness) we'd all have great relationships with our famlies.
But what a wonderful outcome that you had some quality time with your son! God bless him for what he has gone thru!
And God bless you too!! I knew you'd come thru to the other side...bruised, but wiser and with all of the love and kindness as always!!!
I do hope that the grocery will at LEAST give you free cabbages for life!!!
What an awful story. I am so glad you are on the mend.
I doubt your daughter will hold to her not speaking for ever. i can't count the number of times the A cut me off. Remember Toby Rice Drew mentions A's are rather hard to get rid of. They don't mean any of it when they cut off generally they are like yo yo's. I don't doubt for a moment you will see your grandchildren again. Coming to a strategy of how to without going insane with dealing with your daughter's behavior is the work of al anon. I've seen so many people do it. I know you can to. No need to feel guilty for your grandchildren remember the three C's. I don't doubt for one second you will be present in their life in many many ways.
I'm so glad you are feeling better. I just read your last post this morning and was thinking that HP sent you here so that as your boat sank all you had to do was to put your feet down and walk out of the water. I often find that the water is not as deep as i think it is, but it sure is scary all the same. The light is so beautiful though, the morning after the storm.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Love and blessings to you and your family. 
