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I went to my meeting today, and felt worse when I left than I did when I got there. We read through the pamphlet "the merry go round called denial". This once again brought back all those memories that I had convienently blocked out lately. I am a mess right now, can't settle down to go to sleep.
I keep telling myself slogans, and it's not working. Again, I'm obsessing about something that's 3 days away. Asober told me he plans on going fishing overnight on Thursday. Now I'm obsessing over it, wonder what the motives are. I also know he's gonna go if he's gonna go. I did not give him my opinion about it, did not complain, but am hurt that he didn't ask for my opinion.
It would be nice if we could do something together instead. At least he called me after the meeting letting me know it was storming and hailing at home and to be careful driving, and I came home to a cooked dinner.
Well this relationship seems pretty dead to me. There are so many people who separated when their spouses got sober, even after years of sobriety. I'm afraid we will be just another statistic.
I thought I was making descent progress with myself, but it seems like the opposite lately. Part of me wants to give up on the relationship and part of me wants to keep trying. Can anyone relate?
I can totally relate I need to know where my relationship is going, where my whole life is going. I obsess, worry about everything especially my relationship and if all the hard work will be worth it. But slowley this is changing. I try and live one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I trust Hp and no matter what happens I will be o.k hope this helps
yeah, that pamphlet pretty much opened my eyes, too. Denial is such sweet sleep, it seems. There is enough in that pamphlet for a whole years worth of meetings!!! Yikes! But for me, I believe that the truth shall set me free and opening my eyes, no longer being a zombie is the only option for me. Its a lonely existence, though, without al-anon and this board, etc. I agree with Tracey that all we can do is be right here, right now and leave all the rest, the future, all those "what ifs" to HP, who is so much more capable than I am. I try to feel the breeze on my face or look at the sky and just stay present in this very moment and be glad.
I just wanted you to know that that particular pamphlet is highly unsettling to many people! This is why it is such a good one, though. Hugs, J.
Are you talking about giving up on your program or your relationship? If you give up on working your program, then his disease has finally won over you. Are you in this program ultimately for you or for him? Just something to on.
I learned if you are in the program for someone else, then it really doesn't work. It has to be about your healing. Because then it makes it easier to deal with all the other stuff. You are ultimately stronger to make decisions that are in your best interest.
I understand your frustration with the meetings. It happens in AA as well. Tim & I went to an open AA meeting once, and I came away feeling really awful. Some are upbeat, others are not. It depends on the day and the mix of people at the meeting. Don't give up on them. Keep going back.
I know I felt glad when Tim would tell me where he was going and what he was doing. I remember the times when he didn't. Sure I felt slighted that he didn't include me. A person may just need some time and space from one another. I know I have. Detachment is one of the best tool we have in this program. It helps when they are active and when they are sober. It's empowering.
Here's the other thing, maybe you just need time for you. When he goes fishing, take the time to spoil yourself. Enjoy the serenity and peace. Take a long bubble bath. Enjoy a really sleazy novel. Dance naked around the house if you want. If he can take time for himself, why can't you? Take what seems a negative circumstance for you, and turn into something positive. Make it a happy time just for you. If you have kids, drop them at the sitter for the night. That's part of detaching too. Don't be so hard on yourself. Things do get better. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh Buick , your breaking my heart here , Lower your expectations in sobriety and accept what is . You have 3 days alone * yeahhhhh * don't waste them , think of it u can sleep late , have the whole bed to yourself , eat or not your choice ,watch the movies u always wanted to see but he didn't enjoy them . book a masage for yourself get your toe nails painted . turn up your fav music til the windows rattle . enjoy !!!!! Merry go round called denial is a powerful dose of reality I know , I saw myself on every page I have played all those parts to perfection . ugh but the good news is now that I am aware of it I can change it . He is sober hon and some days thats all an A can offer - not drink . I had to get rid of the fantacy of what my marriage should be like , and find a life of my own and allow him the same freedom , eventually things settle down in sobreity and the WE things will start to happen I was of the attitude that an hr with a sober husb was better than anything I had while he was drinking . I have alife separate from my hus and friends he dosnt know , he has alife with friends I don't know and thats ok today , what was missing was we had no life together now in sobriety we do , it took awhile but it all came together eventually . He is sober Buick , isn't that what u wanted for so long ?? enjoy hon Don't give up yet , I personally felt that with a prog I owed it to myself to stay for at least 6months and work on me learn to be my own best friend if I didn't feel diff after 6 months i would leave . get to as many meetings a week as u can obsess on your recovery for a few months you won't believe how much better your going to feel . So give the guy a hug hand him his fishing hat and go rent those movies you always wanted to see . good luck Louise
I agree on all the things you said. 2 days ago I made a gratitude list as suggested by a member here, and it did include him being sober and a lot of little things that I was thankful for that I wouldn't have even thought about hadn't I made the list. I'm going to make another list today.
Guess I should be grateful that he finally has found something to do other than being at home doing nothing after work. Really, whether he's here acting like I'm dead or out there fishing, it makes no difference, exept for he's having fun, and maybe that will give him some kind of more positive outlook on life after hanging out with some guys.
I'm thinking about some options what I can do on that day. What does upset me is he'll go to work Thursday, not even come home. They will be fishing where he works, the next day he'll go to jail after work and come back Sunday. Anyway, I'm not going to hold him back.
I guess like you, I need to get rid of the fantasy of what my relationship should be like. It is so disappointing to know you can't plan a future together.
You said - the WE things will start to happen - We did things together when he first stopped drinking, for about 2 weeks, we were always doing something, we even went to the grocerystore together. Then suddenly it stopped. I have a life outside of this relationship, but we have no life together. Seems like we had more of a life together when he was still drinking.
I feel like giving up, but I'm not ready too. This program and everyone in it is what keeps me going. Abby, thanks for that last sentense, it made my laugh but so true.
Karilynn,
I will not give up on this program and let this desease win. I'll give up on the relationship before I'll give up on my new friends who are always there for me and others.
Guess it's just all too much for me right now. I even started crying by time I got to your last paragraph.
I guess I also worry that he might end up drinking while he's out, now he only has drugtests on Wednesdays, and it would be out of his system by then. Then I wonder if he's not really going fishing. Ahhh, obsessing again.
Thanks so much everyone. I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. I hope everyone else is doing well.
Buick please go to the odat and read page on july 14th , it works drinking or sober it tells us what our part in this mess is and how it messes us up over and over again , do what it says to the best of yur abiltiy and u will stay alot calmer . worrying about him drinking is such a waste of time hon , u have no more control over that than u did before you can't stop him if he is going to drink . find a detachment pamphlet and read it ever day to remind u of what to do . let go and let God take of him . Oh and where did uget the idea that u can't plan a future together of course u can - Just let life happen and just BE .
on. 
Take a long bubble bath. Enjoy a really sleazy novel. Dance naked around the house if you want. If he can take time for himself, why can't you? Take what seems a negative circumstance for you, and turn into something positive. Make it a happy time just for you. If you have kids, drop them at the sitter for the night. That's part of detaching too. Don't be so hard on yourself. Things do get better. Love and blessings to you and your family.