The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got all worried about AH missing his court date, of course at the last possible minute he picks up the phone, calls the courthouse, gets his hair cut, and leaves 10 minutes late. I can't believe I let myself get sucked into his problems. For the record, I wasn't going to help him out.
It is hard to not be involved with this. I was irritated with him for not leaving on time, purposefully making himself late like he always does.
SOmeone mentioned before something that is true...I'm letting him move along on his own terms. There was never any part of me that really thought he would move out to his own place. I just get mad because because even after all this time I still expect him to do what he says he's going to do and he said he was going to move out.
SO now I have to move out but it just doesn't make sense. I earn the money, I'll have the kids. There's no way he can handle the house on his own.
Also I can tell he has his idea that all will be forgiven if he sobers up, kind of like repenting in your last year of life. I am not interested. Even if he does sober up. He will go a weekend without beer and expect that to make up for 3 years of neglect and abuse. I am very angry.
Guess I am just feeling a little...dissappointed
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 17:09, 2008-09-08
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Oh I can identify, its the constant worry, with the irresponsible behaviour that wears you down, though I have learned to detach so much, through constant practice, the post that helped me was, if you pray, why worry, if you worry why pray, this makes me turn it over and give it to HP, it makes me mad with anger, the way they can just casually dump their issues on all around them, but again I know I need to practice detaching, best of luck to you, and what ever about the house, peace of mind is everything,
(((Jamie))) After my first f2f Al-Anon meeting it took a few weeks to soak in what I read in "Courage To Change", that A's or a lot like piegons, they are going to do what they do best. I knew what they did best so I never allowed myself to be on a park bench when they were in a tree above.The day I accepted that my AW was going to do what she wanted to do and not what I thaoght thought was best for her or what I wanted her to do, my life became much better. Imagine that!!! I no longer had to worry if she is going to be on time, or drink and drive, or take her problems out on me when I get home in the afternoon (I call that the A mood), etc. etc. etc. etc.
I learned to detach. Why in the world did I waste my precious time worring or trying to control the A in my life. It had done absolutely no good, made zero difference in the choices she was going to make regardless. Think about it for a minute and be honest with yourself. What good does it do you to worry about something you have zero control over,something you can not change.
Pigeons will always be piegons, you can not change the A in your life anymore than you can change a piegon. Choose to change yourself. Get to some f2f meetings and you will be able to look forward instead behind. You take a Tylenol or aspirin when you have a headache and that cost you money. But, you can take Al-Anon for your "isms" and it will not cost you one penny. RLC
Number 1 rule for dealing with addicts: HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. If they say that they are going to do something and don't, then it's no surprise. Now that's not to say not to hold them accountable. Just lower the expectations. That way you can't be disappointed.
I am one of those people who can't stand being late. It drives me crazy. It drives me crazy when people are late. I just don't get it. How hard is it to show up on time to something that's really important? I'll give you, things happen. But in general, there's really no excuse for being late.
I have this idea about people who are constantly late. It seems to me, like it's a control thing. I have kids at work who are constantly late, my sister always is and it runs rampant in other family members. It seems to me they are trying to control things they have no control over. She has to be at work at a certain time, and was always late. It was no wondered she got fired when she was young! Your boyfriend had a set time to be at court, and he was late. It was the only thing he could control. He can't control the outcome of the court hearing. But he could control what time he got there. This is where I say people need to grow up and take responsiblility for their lives!
I remember one time when Tim & I were working (way back in college) and he was the leader of this group. He was tired of the crew always showing up late, especially when we had to leave for an out of town project. He threatened them that the next time they were late, he would leave without them and they would not get paid. He did not care if it was a day project or an entire week. Well the crew didn't believe him. Sure enough he and I left without them, and we worked all week. They didn't. They were never late again. Okay I'm off my soapbox now!
As for you moving out, why? Whose name is one the lease? Who pays the bills? I think if you really want him to move out, then go back and show him whose been paying the bills, etc. If you really want to move, then fine. If you don't and you want him to go, then you need to be firm about it. Stay out of his recovery and legal problems. Those are his and his alone. DETACH! DETACH! DETACH! I like Melody Beatties book: The Language of Letting Go or her book on Codependency. They might be helpful to you. Try and get to some face to face meetings. They can be very useful. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I moved out because I knew he wouldn't leave - the last time... the first time I got a restraining order and he couldn't come back. They actually considered leaving needles around the house and going off on drunken tirades to be abusive in WA. Not sure how I'd fare here with that reasoning. Just a thought they called it a kick out restraining order.
My partner also has a hard time remembering that her ex-AH has those stripes (he didn't change them). Working the program helped me to remember to not expect ANYTHING from my Awife. One day at a time and lots of meetings.
It works if you work it! with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
How hard is it to show up on time to something that's really important? I'll give you, things happen. But in general, there's really no excuse for being late. 
