The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I often wondered what an al-anon relapse would look like. Now that I have married a non-drinking alcoholic, I think I know. He quit drinking before we married two years ago, and he hasn't drank since, but he has become a control freak and a very possessive dry drunk. He won't let me go to an al-anon meeting, he physically bars my exit from the house, or has in the past, until the situation escalated till the cops were called and since I was hitting him, trying to get past him and he was physically blocking my exiting the house, the police said that we were both being abusive and didn't arrest either of us.
We live with my mother who is 85 and I take care of her and the government pays for that. I also substitute teach and try to run the household, which I'll say I'm getting pretty poor at these days. The husband buys, sells and trades items to get money...very poor income, it helps with our bills, but he is not the provider that he should be and refuses to get a regular job.
I want out of this marriage and don't have a clue how to go about it. My mother owns the 100 acre farm that we live on and we have put it up for sale. The market is down and there is not much interest in it so far. It was my plan to sell the farm and get a job and have mom in assisted living so I can get out of this mess, but as it is I need him for cutting firewood (our major source of heat) mowing the lawn, not that I can't do it but if he were to leave he would take his lawn mower with him and I don't have one. I feel so trapped.
I wish my daughter, who is 11, and I could live in an apartment by ourselves and I could find a good enough job to support us and find mom a safe place to be. The husband isn't abusive, except for the physcial and pschological controling, so getting a restraining order, which I thought of doing at one time is out of the question.
What is most frustrating is I've been in al-anon 16 years and I knew better! I still know what I'm doing and it isn't good. I wish there was some way to turn back the clock and not marry this guy, but what has been done, has been done and there is no easy way out. That doesn't mean that there isn't a way out, it just won't be easy.
Any thoughts on my predicament or shared expereince,strength and hope would be helpful.
I spent 15 years in a marriage I "thought I couldn't get out of" and did alot of unhealthy things to try to get out. I now realize I could have gotten out a healthy way and been alot better off.
What is your pay off to staying again besides the lawn mower and firewood?
Look closer there must be some other reason. Are you unhappy in general and know you would be if he left and need him to blame- that was part of my issue- maybe not yours.
But you stay for a reason and I don''t think it's firewood.
Lots of love and encouragement to find out for yourself perhaps in person with a long time alanoner?
PS please don't waste time or energy beating yourself up...someone told me we don't make mistakes only have opportunties to learn-againand again if needed-love yourself first today and see what happens
Sorry, I think that what you described is abuse. You know in Alanon we don't give advice especially whether to go or stay.
My AHsober left three years ago. I use firewood to heat also. I have found other people to help including family, friends, my sons, and strangers. You know what, they are much better wood choppers then he ever was. I have learned to work the chainsaw and can split the smaller pieces. The yard just goes to hell unless I work at a little. I just have to let some things go the AHsober use to do. Being with my AH as a dry drunk has been more difficult then any time he drank.
(((java))) I am like nmike, if that is not abuse the definition must have been changed. How much do lawn movers cost? Because I always wear my Al-Anon shoes I am bitting my tongue. RLC
For me an Al-Anon relapse is when I fall back into using pre-program thoughts, feelings, and actions to try to find happiness. Doing the same things over and over expecting different results is how it's put these days. The 10th step is what I use to wake myself up and then get into amending my ways. Sounds like you're there...looking at you part in it all. A past sponsor once told me that when I found out I had made a mistake in the past to go forward and correct it. At first I reacted with "impossible" and then found out that if I thought it was impossible because of fears and old beliefs then I had doomed myself to insanity. Change takes time and proper investigation and courage. If you know after investigation that what you did was a mistake use what my sponson taught me with courage and faith. You will be okay if you do it properly with your Higher Power. Properly means for me, including looking at my motives in the first place and my motives now. It also means that the look must be open minded and honest and free of blame. It is my mistake. It is my amends.
Well I can definitely understand your issue. I felt totally stuck with the A. I got to the point where I couldn't interview for work. I was so poor that I didn't have the bus fare to interview. You have the al anon tools keep working on that plan be. The real estate market won't be down for ever, the farm will sell eventually. What are the other plan be issues you can do. Do you have freecycle where you are, look for a lawn mower! Go down the list one at a time. What do you need money? Start saving and putting away a little in a secret account I know that is hard (and I say that being in impossible debt). What are the obstacles, deal with them one step at a time. Keep polishing that plan be.
Above all stop beating up on yourself. You did marry him, it was for good reason. He looked good at the time, you needed someone. I don't think there is anything wrong with needing someone. Right now I desperately need someone with a car to help and don't have one so I have to walk 3 miles on Saturday with the dog for her vaccination! I don't have anyone to ask! I can't afford to pay anyone. Believe me I understand practicalities.
You can make this the winter of escape. Everyone but everyone reacts but saying "leave" when they hear about someone trapped. The issue is we have to be so so strategic to leave without falling into chaos. We have to polish up that plan be. We have to look at the obstacles and work on them. You have plenty on your plate with so many people to take care of, of course you have to be strategic. Get that plan be out and work on it and keep refining it.
You can be out of there. You can have the apartment you can have the job you just can't have them today. It may be many many days before you get there but I believe in you and know you will get there. Remember when you feel irritated by him, overwhelmed with his control and self absorption the time is limited, you won't have to deal with him for ever and you will get to where you want to. So focus, forgive yourself and start on the plan be.
