The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted last about "how do I accept what I cannot change?". Since that post I have been reluctant to say much more. It seems that what I really need to acknowledge are the final two words: CANNOT CHANGE.
My son's problems have nearly taken away every shred of my ability to cope with anything in life. But I CANNOT CHANGE the damage already done. He and I are close and love one another so much, but......we tangle constantly. I walk on eggshells most of the time, including right down to the tone of voice I use with him. Then when I cannot tolerate another second of the anxiety of walking like that, BOOM.....we fight. I challenge him, I berate him, I scold and nag and all that negative stuff. It is an unending cycle.
He has been very sober for awhile, but that hasn't alleviated our problems with one another. He isn't happy. I want him happy. CANNOT CHANGE another person's being happy!!! He continues to grieve for his EX-wife, who certainly isn't grieving for him nor will she ever. CANNOT CHANGE how he feels about her. He confuses and confounds me and has for a long, long time. His head injury was the beginning of that. CANNOT CHANGE his physical/mental disability from that injury....slight, subtle but there.
I need to let go of him. I need to really accept that I CANNOT CHANGE anything about another person. The whole thing with me is that I find it very difficult to change myself!! I fully acknowledge my faults in all this. And I work hard for awhile but then fail miserably. Changing myself at my age seems impossible to me. My life has been all about helping others, comforting others, communicating, making peace, smoothing out the wrinkles, loving without expectation of anything ( aha.....I seriously doubt that one at this point!).
Anyway, it is Monday and the week ahead is a formidable one, full of medical appointments for myself and spouse. Thanks for listening. I always think, as I read the posts of others, that my problems are so insignificant. My life is in the waning stages. Now there is an acceptance issue.
I had a hard time letting go of my husband, I can't even imagine what it's like with your child. It is expected for so long that you do take care of them for so long that it must be so hard to stop and say sink or swim. I have found with my teen daughter that the less vested I am in how she does the better things turn out and the more responsibility she takes for herself. He will be miserable until he decides to stop and the same goes for you. It's all about perception and how you see the situation. You can still have a close loving relationship without stepping in and directing his life and/or being so vested in his issues. Take care of yourself!
Joyoma, I spent years engaging with my oldest AD, refusing to accept what was right in front of me.
There was a granddaughter involved, and by the time the grandson came along almost 6 years after the birth of the granddaughter, I had come to realize that as much as it hurt, nothing I did/didn't do, said/didn't say would make a squat of difference in what AD was going to do.
There is nothing I want to give you more than the ability to see yourself for the child of God that you are, you are worthy of so much more than you settle for. However, I can't give that to you, but can only offer my experience, strength, and hope in my own journey of self-discovery.
(((((hugs)))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Another thing that was so hard to accept for me was how much progress I could make in a given amount of time. I always expected too much from my recovery at once and then berated myself for not learning fast enough. I see you doing that too. Try to be gentle with yourself. You are just as worthy of happiness as the rest of us. Age is not a big factor in recovery. It is willingness that is most important. Willingness to really see the reality of our situation. Willingness to look hard and deep at ourselves. Willingness to see the good as well as the defects in us.
I know you probably have a hard time seeing your own progress, Oma, but to me your recovery is amazing. Do you realise what a huge step forward you just took with this post? You have SEEN something that has been holding you back, and ACKNOWLEDGED it. Those are the first 2 steps toward changing anything. Go back and read the 12 Steps again. You are working the steps! Step 4 -Aha! yep still trying to control someone else. Why? Step 5- Hey guys, I still haven't been able to accept the CAN'T CHANGE part.
See what I mean? You are doing just fine. You are moving forward and that is what matters.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
