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Ugh!!! So much drama within my head. Time with my higher power will heal me.
My A that I love, came back from out of town working for 10 days ignoring me, down appeared depressed said he was stressed then said he was bored. Basically he was just really unhappy and I have no real idea why and probably never will.
I know he drank alot each night but he didn't report any drama (he usually just sits in hotel room and gets drunk- always there if I call - I didn't even make a special point to call to check in or say hi,because I was busy working evenings too. Just assumed we would talk each night about 10 which most nights we did. But he was always too drunk to say much. not a talker anyway but this was huge distance.
Bottom line I don't know what happened if anything but he was really distant and uncomfortable when he got home.
So tired of all the secret like/ hidden closed behavior .... so tired of all the drinking, it's like a 12 pack of the big cans now.. so after a few days of weird distance
I wrote a statement I heard from my sponsor: I love you, I bless you, I release you to your highest and best good, folded it up and put it in the big book, handed it to him and told him to take his emotional intamacy and stuff it up his a** and get out. which he did. Now I'm sad but not as sad as I would be if he were still sitting here ignoring me, acting depressed like something was bothering him.
He has not said but I bet he's happier now, even though I know he's not sure where he's gonna live, I don't know why he kept saying he loved me but always acted so sad and bored, maybe for a place to live? Maybe not?
I'll never know- didn't make alot of progress focusing on me today but it looks like I have alot of free time to work on it now.
So .. that's it.... you think he would feel responsible to at least be open with me about his feelings about us being over.. no he's just gone..silent before he left silent now. Closure may not be in my higher powers plan for me.
Glad, you are doing a good job of keeping the focus on you as much as you can given the situation. I admire your courage. I know that feeling of living with that pouting. That silent treatment is pouting, in my book.
Its better that he took that pouting out the door with him. leaves you with a home free of it. I know its lonely but at least its your domain. I am keeping you in my very best thoughts, glad. I know its been a long road for you. i know how scary it can be but I still think its better to have your own domain than to live day in and day out with the massive amount of negativity that sucks all the oxygen out of the entire home. I sure know that feeling, too. It gets better and easier, one moment at a time. Take care and hugs, J.
Coming to peace with all I don't know (and never will know) is still a struggle for me. The truth is, that when I think of all I do know, and how the betrayal, rejection and turmoil about killed me emotionally, God is doing me a huge favor by keeping me in the dark about all of it.
I have come to believe that the silence, sadness, negativity, ignoring and depression really has everything to do with them and thier disease, not us. I only say that because I have heard "my story" over and over again.
I wouldn't bet that he is happier. I know how easy it is to think that, but you have to remember, that he is taking himself with him. My AH has been out of the house for almost a year and a half, and in intense recovery programs for 10 months now. Sometimes when he admits he is miserable or depressed, it takes great strength for me to not point out that "see, I wasn't the cause". I still want that validation, as crazy as it is. Seems so clear to me, but then again, I am not an A. Yep, we just need to accept what is and that we will probably never get the resolve we "think" we need. That's why we need to keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 01:11, 2008-09-08
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You just put into words what I have not been able to do. I need to look for a hp, but I know I must separate myself from the madness of my alcoholic wife.
She used to talk so highly of the AA program and advocated I start Alanon, which I did. I'm just starting in Alanon.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
