The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left my AH 2 1/2 months ago and filed for divorce one month after leaving. I started F2F Alanon meetings the night that I filed. After I started the meetings I decided that maybe my decision was made too quickly and in anger. Even as I gave the papers to my husband I said this is not the solution I had hoped for and went off to my first meeting.
This week we are to have a meeting with the family court comissioner. He says if we go to that date that there will be no chance for reconciliation. I can put a 90 hold on it, but I'm not sensing much effort from him to get along. I know I have choices, but he wants to be the all powerful OZ. I'd like to use the new tools that I've learned in Alanon to see if our home can be happier but he's resisting my return home. He says that he sees some changes, he knows that I'm going to meetings to help me, but I don't know if he knows what kind. I'd tell if he asked me, but he hasn't. He says he doesn't want me back because he doesn't want to give the kids false hope (Truth is the kids are pretty content where we are at with the exception of lugging a few items back and forth). My opinion is, how do we know if it will be better if we're not together to try? I know that I've verbally beat him down for quite some time, along with poor treatment from his father that he does not think highly of himself. His communications are full of stinkin' thinking and I think my reactions to his attitudes have been better. I'm wondering if he's just trying to avoid dealing with everything, personal issues between us and owning up to the fact that he can't control his drinking. I have not mentioned the drinking since the filing, although he emailed me saying "Why would you miss me, I'm just a drunk". I did not respond to that comment. I also wonder if he's trying to take financial advantage of me for just a while longer and intends to divorce anyway...sometimes I think this is what he really wants.
I encourage you to seek your higher power and talk to someone with years in alanon face to face before making any more decisions.
It seems to me he may be afraid he can't stop drinking and that may be why he doesn't encourage you to live with him and confuse the kids. Makes sense to me.
My dear friend spent 30 years with her A husband-alanon helped her and her family make a good life regardless of the drinking, she experienced alot of drama and pain and he ended his life recently. His kids are great and loved him alot despite his illness. I did not want my story to end that way.
Can you make a good life with him for you and kids if he does not stop drinking, are you willing to risk what I was not?
I can not tell you what to do but I feel an experienced alanon could help you find it for yourself.
I know my heart is asking my head "what the heck did you do? I miss him" and my head is saying " I did what is best for both of us so hush up now" . Trust your higher power and try to not do any more damage is what my heart and head are saying.
