The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left my AH 2 1/2 months ago and filed for divorce one month after leaving. I started F2F Alanon meetings the night that I filed. After I started the meetings I decided that maybe my decision was made too quickly and in anger. Even as I gave the papers to my husband I said this is not the solution I had hoped for and went off to my first meeting.
This week we are to have a meeting with the family court comissioner. He says if we go to that date that there will be no chance for reconciliation. I can put a 90 hold on it, but I'm not sensing much effort from him to get along. I know I have choices, but he wants to be the all powerful OZ. I'd like to use the new tools that I've learned in Alanon to see if our home can be happier but he's resisting my return home. He says that he sees some changes, he knows that I'm going to meetings to help me, but I don't know if he knows what kind. I'd tell if he asked me, but he hasn't. He says he doesn't want to give the kids false hope (Truth is the kids are pretty content where we are at with the exception of lugging a few items back and forth). I know that I've verbally beat him down for quite some time, along with poor treatment from his father that he does not think highly of himself. His communications are full of stinkin' thinking and I think my reactions to his attitudes have been better. I'm wondering if he's just trying to avoid dealing with everything, personal issues between us and owning up to the fact that he can't control his drinking. I have not mentioned the drinking since the filing, although he emailed me saying "Why would you miss me, I'm just a drunk". I did not respond to that comment. I also wonder if he's trying to take financial advantage of me for just a while longer and intends to divorce anyway...sometimes I think this is what he really wants.
No one has the final answer and that is why there is a word called hope. I have seen some pretty quacky miracles in this program considering what was first thought and done, what happened along the way (recovery) and then how it came to be. For me there is no such thing as "there's no turning back". So much of my recovery has been about going back to the core of it all rather than marching farther away from it or taking another new untraveled trail.
You state that you think your first idea was hasty. If you think that then here is a slogan for you..."When in doubt; DON'T". That is one of my bestest slogans being a reactor or nuclear proportions. I never got anything right or wrong reacting. I just never go it!! Today "when in doubt DON'T", "Think", "Easy does it", and the other slogans get my attention first not the problem I thinking I'm facing.
Keep coming back and...call your sponsor? (((((hugs)))))
Hi I've been married for 43 years to a controlling, dominating, and abusive husband. I have two grown children. I filed for divorce two years ago. However, I thought he would change so I'd leave, and then return hoping that things would get better. All I wanted was peace in the relationship. But no matter what I did I was always the one who was wrong. He made all the decisions and he was always the one to be the controller. I guess you'd call it the generation curse or something like that as my dad and my grandfather were both alcoholics and i married one. I have tried, I really have, but he seems to have a lot of anger built up in him. I've been back three or four times but nothing changes. I am at a crossroad. Do I go back and tolerate this unhappy life for the rest of my life or do I try to make it on my own?
