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Feeling really horrible about a situation tonight. I have a guy friend that has been there for me since I broke up with my EX-A. He has been so patient and understanding when I ask him the same questions over and over again. It' been almost 2 yrs. for our friendship, he has been incredible. the nicest guy you could have meet. We are just friends.
I have a group of girlfriends that I have been hanging around with this summer. I have shared with him that I would like to keep that life seperate from our friendship. He seem to understand. Well tonight I went to a festival that I told him I was meeting my frinds there. There he was, it really bother me because I didn't want to hang around with him, My friends think he is so nice, which he is and they cannot understand how I felt that he invaded my privacy. He asked one of my frineds for their phone number to go roller skating with her. I had shared with him that I didn't not want him involved with this group of friends. He would have never been at this festival if I wasn't there.
Now my friends think I am being selfish that I want to keep the friendships seperate. Am I horrible??? I don't understand why I feel so strong about this,
I don't even want to talk to him right now. I feel that he step over the line.
That title is appropriate I think. You have a will, he has a will and they have a will and for me because of that you don't have a ton of control. I don't tell people they are selfish. I don't know your motives for having things the way you want them and still the only will you have any power over is your own. I let my friends be who they are...accept they for exactly who they are.
So do you know what your motives are? Self knowledge is a huge part of the recovery program I am trying to work.
Thanks for the open honesty in your post. That's a biggie for me also.
I don't know why this is bothering me. I guess if I write it out maybe it will come to me. Your right i have no control over people places and things. What bother me the most is I did not invite him there and he just showed up.
I would not do that if I wasn't invited. I don't know it's so stupid but feelings are feelings and that is how I am feeling.
Hi Lynn, you cannot make anyone do or not do anything. One of the characteristics of my own disease (which is why I need a program like al-anon) was that I would get furious about a lot of stuff that I had no control over. I was a real control freak- This program has taught me that acceptance is the answer to all my problems each and every day. Accept, then act. Instead of reacting instantly.
What is so important about keeping those two sets of people separated? Jerry asked a good question: what are your motives? Are you clear about what your intentions are with you male friend? If all of these people are people who love you and you love them (in friendship) I do not understand why you want to keep the separated from each other- typically they have a great woman in common- YOU- and sure, they probably would all get along great!
Is this man perhaps more than a friend to you or do you think that you might want to move it to that level (even unconsciously)? Is that why you want to keep it separate? it sounds like you two have a very strong emotionally connected bond and that is often the sign of an "emotional" affair or connection. Does it hurt you that he asked for the phone number of one of your girl friends? Do you want to keep him all to yourself? Just some questions I would be asking myself if I were in your shoes- take what you would like and leave the rest- love and hugs, J.
I've found that things go easier for me if, even if I don't want to be open and honest with OTHERS about my motives, I am honest with myself. Otherwise, I often work against myself - that is, my actions actually make the thing I am afraid of happen.
So, I'd say, drag it all out into the light and take a look - why do you want to keep these groups apart, what are you afraid of, what woud be the worst outcome, what is a LIKELY outcome, given what you know about the people involved and human nature in general. Then take a look at your actions, and see if they are likely to give you the outcome you want.
I've also found that trying to manipulate people, for me anyway, almost always backfires big time. The more I can keep the focus on being the best version of myself that I can muster, and stay out of other people's way, the better the outcome tends to be. Even with the best will in the world, when I try to manipulate, I screw up because there is so much I don't know, and so much I have no control over.
Wait a second, maybe it is this man overstepping your boundries. Maybe he is willfully ignoring the boundries you have clearly stated!!! I see this as a HUGE red flag!!! There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to introduce him into your circle of friends. I mean, there is no rule that says you have to. And you may have very good reasons for "taking it slow" which is all I see in your post! There is not a darn thing wrong with taking a relationship EXTREMLY slow. And when and IF YOU are ready then you would be the one to begin to include this man into your circle of friends. Geeze!!!
WHy would anyone believe that just because you have 2 sets of friends that it is up to YOU to merge these groups? You don't!!!
From what I read, I would be extremely mad also!!! How dare he? That is a blatent disregard of you, your feelings and your boundries. In the past, I would have made it all about me and MY dysfunctions and tried to somehow take responsibility for HIM smashing MY boundries.Today, I simply see a red flag flying and I know to walk away, quietly so as no one gets hurt and chalk it up to lesson learned. I am no longer willing to waste my time with men who disregard my explict boundries. From what you have posted, you are not being mean or selfish at all. You are being healthy and when he decided to disrepect you your hackles went up and rightfully so!!! Stay healthy and DO NOT let anyone tell you otherwise!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for posting, that is exactly how I feel that he step over my boundries. We talked 4 times yesterday, I told him that I was meeting a guy there and my girlfriends were going to be there. Not once did I say to him why don't you meet us there. First of all this person is an Recovering A. Why would he want to go to an event where there would be drinking. He never has in the past.
NOOOO I am not jealous that he would have a relationship with one of my girlfriends. None of them are interested in him, they think he is very nice but that is all. I am not interested either. I feel that you can have seperate groups of friends. They all drink socially and so do I. He usually hang around people that in recovery only. I know he's lonely and does not have alot of friends, but I dont' want to be co-dependent with him, I feel it not his job to make me happy and entertain me and it's not my job to entertain him.
I think that he has attached and I want it to be a more healthy friendship. If he needs me at anytime I would be there for him. I deserve to have a seperate life that does not include him. I told him that I needed to bond just with women sometimes. What bother me the most is that he asked me for one of the women's phone numbers and I told him that I really felt uncomfortable because I want to keep them seperate from my friendship with him. They are very special to me and I don't want to have him interfer with that. I could see him venting to her about the fact that i did not want to include him with my friendship with the women. Last night he asked her for her phone number. It made me angry becasue he did not respect my wishes.
We usually talk everyday, but I am not going to call him because I need to sort these feelings out. This is not first time he cross my boundries.
.Today, I simply see a red flag flying and I know to walk away, quietly so as no one gets hurt and chalk it up to lesson learned. I am no longer willing to waste my time with men who disregard my explict boundries. From what you have posted, you are not being mean or selfish at all. You are being healthy and when he decided to disrepect you your hackles went up and rightfully so!!! Stay healthy and DO NOT let anyone tell you otherwise!!!!!!!!!!