The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a while since I checked in last. I feel so grateful for this board and the kind people who share their experiences here. Thank you all for being so giving of yourselves.
My post today is about the courage to let go. I came to a realization about 6 weeks ago that whether I stay with my AH or not, I can't prevent the disease from doing what it will to him. I cannot "will" recovery on him, nor work it for him and I cannot protect him. Worst of all, while I was trying to do all of that, I was putting the needs of my 16 y.o son and myself way below those of my AH. This image describes my feeling about it.......
I see the man I love caught in a big storm in the ocean. The waves are fierce and tall and he is struggling to stay above water. Sometimes his head even goes below the water. What do I do? Of course I jump right in to do my best to help him. I swim over to him, I tell him I love him and I will help him. I flip him over on his back and place my arm under his chin and begin to swim with him to shore. As I'm doing this, he says "No" - I want to stay right here! "But stay with me please....if you stay right where you are, and I hold on to your shoulders, I can stay in the ocean and we might be OK". I try this with him for a good amount of time and realize that I am going to drown. He is holding his head up out of the water while I am going under.
After I came to this awareness. My AH decided to go to in-patient rehab. Many would say - look at the good that came from your awareness! And maybe this is so. But one day after being home, he has hopelessly relapsed again.
I learned from Al-Anon and the Family therapy program that I need to have appropriate personal boundaries to look after myself and my son. I am writing today to share with you all that I am looking for the courage to let him go and look after myself and my son.
He has left the house looking for trouble and I am numb. I hope that his HP looks after him and that he is safe. I hope that I can move forward and deal with whatever comes my way with strength and a loving heart but without putting myself last.
"I need to have appropriate personal boundaries to look after myself and my son."
Yes, absolutely! b/c if u don't u will get an A trying to drown you, again! I love your visual imagery, I've had similar types of analogous thoughts.
Seing your A slip, no matter when, would be hard to do and since u know u are powerless & can not take responsiblity for his addiction, sober or active, detach. It's all we can do. We do have power but only over ourselves. Naturally you have one to your child but not to another adult, only to yourself. You deserve and are owed your best love for you. I'm ACoA and never tried to "love myself" until I was 38. I've had 2 years practise at it. Only in the last few months have I been able to detach, ever.
When I feel myself thinking about something that isn't my business or about *me* I imagine I see cords unplugging from other ppl & turning them around & plugging them into me. Giving myself that extra energy that I used to subconsciously give to others. My energy used to fly out at other people, I could never control it as I grew up enmeshed & emotionally unhealthy & having blurred or lacking boundaries. When ever I set & follow through on a boundary, I feel more personal power & esteem. It can be as simple as listening to my own intuition.
Focus on yourself, love yourself, focus on your son. Detach lovingly from your A and think about what you really need. Sometimes I create boundaries for myself, to enable me to react appropriately for myself in the future. So I can have some self-protection.
This was shared with me once & I have used it effectively:
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
1.HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS. 2.CLEARLY DEFIENED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY. 3.SET THEM CLEARLY. 4.COMMUNICATE THEM CLEARLY. 5.ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY
6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS)
I was told slips are a natural part of recovery. I know I had slipped in my own program quite a lot. MYOB, minding my own business is totally new for me but I have so much extra time when I do & I am much calmer.
-- Edited by kitty at 16:55, 2008-09-06
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You're doing fine. The struggle is normal. People loving people is most natural that is how we were created in my own humble experience. We also individually have the time, ability and facility to arrive at the consequence we desire and allowing the alcoholic the dignity of her own decisions was a big lesson for me. The waves got way above her head and she found recovery inspite of me not because of me.
I heard this little poem sometime within the first three years of Al-Anon recovery; "If you love something...let it go. If it never comes back it was never mean't to be. If it does come back...love it forever."
Keep coming back it works if you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Rocky, I am a visual person and I think the picture your created is absolutely a perfect analogy of what it is like! WOW! this really is a great image for me to meditate on. A picture really does replace a million words, thank you for your incredible share.
I am sorry you are in the numb place but I agree with Jerry that you are working your program very well despite what you might be feeling at the moment.
You put you and your son first and leave him to HP, just like you said. Nice work Rocky. And thank you again for the great picture/film clip. Hugs, J.
