The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In order to get past the pain, I have to walk through it.
My sponsor has said more than once that when we start to get better in a program of recovery, there will be those who don't want us to get well.
In my case, it's my family of origin.
I'm tired of being the scapegoat for my youngest AD's actions, and I know I can't change how they feel and perceive things in their own untreated codependent minds.
It's sad.
My brother, whom I've always trusted to confide in, called me when things really blew up over the wrecked car and youngest AD driving the Nissan.
I vented to him, like I always do. He encouraged me to vent.
I was extremely angry and told him Mom and Dad could kiss my a**.
He took that back to them. He's never done that before.
I feel so betrayed and sad.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Maybe its time to find someone else to vent to. Change perspective. I don't think I ever really "saw" people before. Now I hold back so much for a long time with acquaintances.
I used to really vent to my younger sister about family issues she also took it back to people so I stopped venting to her.
I do grieve my family of origin but I also work on taking care of me.
I have been here before...It is so disapointing when you trust someone enough with how you feel and they prove untrustworthy. At least now you can cross this person off your list of people you feel you can confide in. My sponsor reminded me that others peoples actions are not of our control in all aspects of life. While it doesnt lessen the disapointment, it helps to put things in perspective.
wow, what a blow THSKS. Its so hard for us to trust- period. When we do, it means something. Then, if it gets trashed, it hurts so much. I know that feeling, too- I am really sorry you have to deal with this, especially now when you are working so hard to make a better life for yourself.
I know how exhausted you must be and how hard you have worked for what little you have. But what you have is all yours and its nothing that anyone can ever take away from you. That is the incredible beauty of recovery- no one can take it from us. That is the beauty of sobriety- no one can take it from us.
Do not give him the power, D. His disease is doing all the talking and you know it. You know we love you here and get it. Hurts so much, I know, this family of origin stuff and all the dysfunction. Its a miracle we are even alive and here to talk about it all. My A mom can seem so good one day and dang, the next she is mean, vindictive, cruel, obnoxious- its so unpredictable.
It is very sad that your brother had worked to earn your trust and then chose to throw it all away in one fell swoop. Watch what they do, not what they say. Plain and simple- its a reflection on him, not at all on you, honey. But I know how it hurts when you think someone has your back and then you turn around- and they didn't. The important thing is to be gentle with yourself and not blame yourself for trusting him as you did. Its all ok- your eyes are open now and you can proceed with better information. Hugs and love, J.
You know, the funny thing is we were 6 years apart, and he pretty much grew up after I was gone.
Over a decade ago he waged his own battle with cocaine addiction, and had called to tell me that he was doing intensive outpatient. He begged me not to tell Mom and Dad, which was not my place to tell anyway.
He never has told them, perhaps not to spoil that perfect image he has. He was voted for some big award in the Hartford area last year for his contributions to the community, he's been creative director at TIC-FM for many years now, brought the station's rating up to #1 a few years back, yada yada yada.
He does many good things for many good people, but keeps the fact that he is a recovering addict secret and it makes me sad.
My alcoholism/addictions/codependency were the greatest blessings in my life because without them, I never would have found recovery and a better way to live.
My accomplishments are continuing in my own recovery, reaching out to others still suffering whether it's alkies/addicts, or loved ones. I've raised two girls on my own for the most part. I've laughed, cried, screamed, and sobbed. I've learned to walk through it all a bit at a time. I drank again after four years in recovery, and by the grace of God, I was only out there for two months, and have been in continuous recovery for 18+ years now. I had to live with the shame and guilt of throwing my recovery away because I refused to address my codependency issues, but I hung in there and worked the steps again and again to address those issues and find forgiveness of self.
I thought we were always close even though he lives so far away. He calls from time to check on me and got me my first Dell when my ancient system went bellyup.
I really was sideswiped by what he did, and it stings.
I so appreciate the support today because I surely needed it.
I've been invited to ride along to an Alanon meeting out of town Monday, and by golly I'm going, school work or not!
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
TH...that for me comes within the principal of anonymity. I don't expect others outside of this program to keep mine or keep my shares confidential. I will always go to my sponsor or program people with recovery issues elsewise I will expect the non program person to be exactly the non program person.
Love him and the rest of the family anyways and use forgiveness. You'll not have this as a fear or resentment.
Wow I experienced something similar with my baby brother who had always been my best friend. I had helped him through tough times, loved him no matter what etc. When I was in my deepest insanity, sick and did not know it or have any idea why I was hurting so bad, he turned on me like crazy... must have hit his breaking point with me... anyway he said horrible things about me to my family. It hurt but after I found alanon I realized it was just part of the disease-my life becoming unmanagable.. It is now 3 years later and my bother and I are talking but we are nowhere near as close as before. Bottom line I had to get to the point where it did not distroy me for him to say bad things about me.. then we were able to talk a little again.
I hope your situation with your brother goes better... I know how much it hurts!
It helps me when my mind goes to why (sometimes) to just say ahhhh alcoholism., it's effects on me and my loved ones....although I always struggle with the why.
