The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't feel I belong here right now I am so mixed up as to where I should be, who I should be talking to and what I should be doing that I don't feel comfortable.
Right now.................no that's not right............for a couple of months now I feel I have been back tracking and I know that I have not been helping others. I just do not seem to be able to get out of m my own head and out of my own troubles long enough to consider helping others and that is making me feel really uncomfortable.
Sometimes I realise that working this programme is plain and simple, whilst other times I feel it is too hard.
I have my faith in my God, as I understand Him, but I have no faith in anyone else right now and that includes having no faith in myself.
I am living moment by moment and struggling. In the past when I have come to this kind of impasse I have to backed off, backed out and gone to find a solitary place to just be.
However, I have so much gratitude in my heart for this family and I have many people on this board that I think of everyday and pray for and will continue to think and pray for.
All I want to do is cry and lick my wounds and try to work out my next step and try to keep my head above water. I know I need to connect though this does not seem to be happening for me at present.
I feel as though I have been set adrift without a sail and without a compass, dependant on the open elements, the wind and the rain and the storm I am riding and I am scared right now. The water is pouring into my boat and I have nothing to bail out with and I do not even have a pair of oars.
I can only tell you what I am feeling right now, and I do not like it and I want to change it though I have not got a clue how to. Gratitude does not come into it. I am grateful that I do have a boat and a God and I am breathing and looking at the stars. I just need to be able to trust my God, believe my boat is unsinkable and that I will learn to navigate by the stars given time. However, I am not at that stage right now.
God Bless and thank you for your love, your support, your comfort and your caring,it has meant so much to me and still does and still will do. Hopefully I will find my way back to dry land and my family and get through this dark scarey night storm.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
When you are at your darkest hour is when Alanon is the best. I have been right where you are more than once. Your lost in the forest. Alanon is the light shining the way down the path. Don't loose site of it. You do belong here. Keep looking for the light. It may seem dim, but it's there for you. All you have to do is keep looking and keep coming back. You have given alot to this board, and for that I am very grateful. Change comes slowly and often painfully. But it does come. You'll come out the other side, we all do. They don't call this board Miracles in Progress for nothing. Hang in there. We are right there with you. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Don't forget that sharing your hardest times is a big help, not only to those also going through that same dark woods, but to those who have found their way to some peace.
When I read a letter from someone going through what I went through at my worst times, it keeps the path from *there* to *here* fresh in my mind. Without that reminder, it would be so easy to get complacent, and forget that I need to practice these principles every day, or I'll end up right back where I was.
I believe you will be just fine, (((((SUZANNAH))))))).
Such is life, right? Sometimes it is good and easy and sometimes it is hard and messy and lonely. Just ride the wave, this too shall pass. It's good and a sign of real progress that you are feeling these feelings and recognising what you used to do.
They say this is a simple program for complicated people. That's me! I like to complicate the heck out of stuff! Nothing is ever simple when I throw MY will into the mix.
Alot of days I feel overwhelmed with my mistakes and I don't even want to get out of bed (why bother? just so I can screw things up some more?) but I do. I get up, I say prayers, sometimes I listen for the answer, most times I wish for things that I am not ready for and I try hard to laugh and enjoy whatever I have been given for that day.
My 5 yr old (who just started kindergarden on Thrusday) had a couple of funny comebacks yesterday. We walked out of the store and the moon was up and She said "Look at the moon mommy!" And I said "where?" and she stopped walking and looked at me like I was nuts and said "In the SKY!" LOL!! She got me! Silly question!
Then, it smelled smokey, like maybe a back to scjool BBQ or something and I said "HHmmm I wonder why it smells like smoke?" And she said " Probably cause there's a fire." Totally deadpan and serious. I laughed so hard!!!
My dogs only bark when I come home which annoys the heck out of me. My oldest said "well, that's kinda good because when strangers come to the house at least they won't be scared...." I said "yeah, so the stranger who wants to break into out house is greeted by silent happy dogs and me who lives here and feeds the silly mutts gets barked at like I am going top rob the place!" She found this so funny she laughed till she had to run to the bathroom.
It's this program. I was brought up that funny was cruel. We were allowed to laugh at other people's mistakes, sarcasim, and pain. That was how we coped with the pain of living with an A. Today, I know I can do it all differently if I so choose.
So can you! You do exactly what you feel you need to do wether that is isolate and take some time to re-group, or force yourself to get out there. Just take care of YOU whatever and how ever you can. That's ok to do!!!!
Describing your feelings in such a beautiful way has really helped me. You describe exactly how I am feeling this past week, one of the reasons I think I chose the name Mariner is cos I feel lost at sea. I'm smiling now as I've just visulised our boats sailing by each other. So your not alone and you'll be ok. See you on dry land.
Your presence here is pretty important. I think we are always processing in al anon. Right now I am in a heavy concrete action mode but that had to be preceded by my not acting out in various ways for a long long time. Years ago I used to just come here and tell everyone how hopeless I felt, how lost I was, how desperate I was, how I could not see a way forward. We are all in this process together. We all need each other.
I once heard it said that "this program works in spite of us". I thought that was pretty powerful and it is one of the driving forces that keeps me coming back, regardless.
Please know you are loved here at MIP. I always treasure your gentle descriptive words. We are all in this together, Suzannah. You don't have to do it alone.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I know I've felt the same way several times. I finally figured out that I was trying to force the outcome to some problem. I'm sure it's different for everyone but for me the more I showed up here the sooner I found my answer in someone else's ESH. I would sometimes go for months without posting, just reading and learning. Don't give up, struggle is part of the journey. Learn from it.
I hear ya and I feel the same way on some days too.
I can barely help myself yet help others but then notice, we get help from others because we learn we are not alone. Others feel the same way. So like others replied, we may not know we are helping when we are hurting & struggling. It seems to be the collection of those who can encourage, give hope and those who can relate and identify with others pain. It is all good help back and forth.
I think that I should mostly be taking a forward progress with a few backsteps here and there. But with that expectation of myself, I am setting myself up for failure because there are a bunch or series of things we are all juggling a long with disease of alcoholism. Just the loss of my mom and managing regular depression plus poor sleep & eating habits would cause a back slide even if I was doing the best at detachment, odat, let go & let hp. Could be juggling children, grandchildren, school books & classes, etc etc so I guess in some things there is progress, some there is backslipping, some times a slide that is screaming for us to do better self care and all on the same day.
Thanks for posting and helping me to look at this for myself too. I had been comparing myself to those who seem to just keep moving forward or seem they are able to get the whole program in a matter of months and are already in maintenance mode. It's making sense more to me that we really are where we are suppose to be and one day soon, we can see that again. Ebbs and flows.......... hang in there.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
One of the first things I remember from my earliest alanon meetings was the reply when I described being out in the middle of the ocean with the huge waves and the storm raging around me - and it was said with such kindness - "Alanon can't stop the storm - but it can give you a buoy to hold onto until the storm passes."
