The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have just made the decision to pursue this journey whether alanon is where I should be or not. I believe anyone needs to be humbled and brought back to the foundations of who we are. I have just read about step one and already I am having trouble relating it to me. I am not at rock bottom. My life has not become unmanageable and I do not feel powerless. Well, maybe I am feeling powerless because I am seeking help beyond myself. I am definitely sad on the inside. I am having trouble feeling happy with my life although I know I could never ask for a more loving husband and wonderful kids. I have acted out under the influence of alcohol which is completely out of my character!! So maybe I can relate this step to me by saying "if I do not stop here, I could lose it all and I could hit bottom" Maybe since I am being careless with my life I have become unmanageable. Wow~ I think I have just found how this step DOES apply to me! When will I know I am ready to move to step two?
Just because you can see how a step could apply to you, doesn't mean you have "worked it through".
Sincerely honest soul searching is not easy and rushing through it doesn't give it the consideration it deserves. Your bio says, your father was 'a public alcoholic' ~ I am ACoA too and I can imagine you have (issues like mine) control, abandonnment, codependency, emotional boundaries, et cetera. I mean, we all have some issues (even emotionally healthy "normal/balanced" people) - you say you are unhappy. Most people I know are in denial about things, including their true feelings. That awareness I believe is the beginning of our growth process, when we decide we want something else, different, better.
When you work each step, it feels like a huge piece of the puzzle, it feels like a step or plateau. When I did/do step one, I realize that my best thinking had me obsessed about or with other people and with a total abandonnment of myself, I was the martyr. I had to surrender what ever I thought and be willing to be open to another way of thinking b/c my mind wasn't a happy place and that is what I wanted.
I think you know when you are ready for the next step when you truly feel you have worked through the previous one, stick with them slowly, give yourself a chance. Gut wrenching fearless honesty is not for the faint hearted and it is nothing to treat lightly.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kitty, I see how I seem to be in a rush. I guess I just want to feel as if I am doing something right, something towards getting myself healthier. I think I do see how step one applies to me but now I want to dig deeper. Someone has mentioned 21 questions. Do you know what they are talking about? This is why I feel lost. I am looking for structure. Yes, my father was an alcoholic. My childhood was filled with anxiety, shame, disgust and anger. In the public we pretended to be the perfect church going family. I think everybody saw how dysfunctional we were because my father would get sloppy.He was AWFUL to my mother. My mother, sisters and I would just smile and look the other way. That is how I deal with life today. If it hurts, I look away. But now I am beginning to feel alot of rebellion on the inside. I have lost my brother in law, sister, sister in law, and best friend to Cancer just in the last 3 years...my other sister died from Cancer 10 years ago. I was primary caregiver to my sister and my best friend. I was with them all to their last breath. It has been a year since and I am now feeling a good bit of anger on the inside. I have acted out recently and haven't been myself. So here I am, angry about living my life with no sisters. Anyway...sorry for the tangent. I am searching right now...just looking for the right route to feeling better. I want to enjoy life again and i want to feel the enjoyment instead of pretending. Thanks for listening
Susannah, I see that you have had a lot of loss recently. I am so sorry about your losses. I am no prefessional but it sounds like you are going through the steps of grief. Those things can't be rushed and they can't be ignored. You venting about your feeling on here is exactly what we are here for. We do not judge you. Your feeling are yours. I can testify about how baffling the disease of cancer can be and I have seen how difficult it is on the caregivers. I am a cancer survivor, mine is in remission right now. One thing I can share with you, and you may already know this, but your sister and your best friend were grateful to you for your care. I know this as someone who had to be cared for. It takes a lot of strength to be there and support someone through this horrible disease. Which has no rhyme or reason, it just takes who ever it wants and leave everyone else without their loved one. Have you considered therapy? It is an option and it sounds like you are looking for help. Please keep coming back here and talking about your feelings. There are so many others on here who are in a similar situation as you are, they will share with you what they have been through and what helped them. Read those posts and take what you want from them and leave the rest. We will not judge you!! You are welcome here to share and share and share!!
Al-Anon has a book called "Paths to Recovery". In it, it explains each of the steps (as well as traditions and concepts) and has questions to help you work each step. As I post this, I see it down below in the book selection, so you can get it here online. I attended meetings for a year and a half before I found a sponsor. Like was suggested to me, I just waiting until someone popped out as me as someone I could relate to and had the recovery I wanted. I am just now starting to work the steps with here and will be using the book I mentioned as one of the tools.
Good for you for being willing to work this program. Don't get impatient. Just hang on and let it happen. Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I have to work step one quite a bit, there are plenty of things I am powerless over, the economy, where I live, my health (although I work a lot on making myself healthier), my friends, my family of origin (that oen is huge for me), alcohol, drugs, my landlord.
So I take that list and work from it. I don't actually have to be at death's door to be working it but I can tell you that I do work the step a bit more when I feel my lowest. In theory there will always be much I am powerless over. I have to surrender to that. The A who I was with got ill about 2 years ago, he got some pretty rare muscle disease. The treatment was pretty comprehensive and invovled lots of side effects. That seemd to put him over the edge. I was powerless over that. I tried really hard to make it "right" for him but he was not trying in a similar fashion he was acting out in a self destructive way on many many levels.
I do feel losses badly. I don't do well with a loss as I feel like I will never have enough and can never have enough to make up for it.
So for me personally I have to work on step one a great deal of the time, some of it about all of those issues.
We don't have to be down on the ground to work on a step. We all deserve happiness and peace and so do you. I think its admirable you took care of so many people now you can take care of you. Al anon is one way to go but there are other resources (like grief support groups) that are also helpful.
