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Hi all, I haven't been on the message board for a while as my A mother has been behaving better and we've been getting on ok. I'm relieved in a sense that she has been back at work and keeping the house relatively clean (which takes some of the pressure off me to do everything, wahoo! ) plus she hasn't been so bad tempered and aggressive with me and my little brother which is a bonus too. It's still frustrating though, cuz she STILL drinks alot and it makes her very ill, I should be happy and releived that she is acting better, but the alcohol is still there which makes me not trust her or believe her that this is going to last
I am REALLY upset at the mo, cuz we had a horrible arguement (the first big on in a while) and she said some really cruel things about me and my boyfriend Paul who I have been with for a year. He works really hard at a rubbish job that pays minimum wage, and he treats me to nice things and helps me out with cash when I'm poor and my mum said I USE HIM - which is completely untrue and such a hurtful thing to say I just think she must be jealous cuz she doesn't have a husband or boyfriend of her own to take care of her, but I can't understand why she has such a downer on the one person in my life who loves me and looks after me! He's stuck by me for over a year and he's always there to support me when my mum has hurt me. I wish wish wish I could move out to my own place and not have to deal with this anymore!!!!
Are there any f2f meetings in your area? I highly suggest that you get to one, find a sponsor and work the steps. You will find some peace in the group and a network of people that understand what you are going through and can walk with you through it. You will learn such things as trying to talk sense to the A who is active is a waste of time and energy; that they will and do say things that hurt us only to make them not hurt so much; how not to take things so personally; when you feel anger towards someone you are giving that person power over you. Those are just a few of the things that a face to face meeting can help you with.
It is very common for someone to step back away from the program if the A in their life is "doing better". Unfortunately we have to continue to work on ourselves and leave the A to work on themselves.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Please try not to take seriously anything an A has to say, drunk or sober. Your Mum is a very sick person. A's cannot give us the ove and support that we want, we have to lern to look inward and become ore whole ourselves, as one effect that this disease has on us is that we learn to beg for the A's attention and care for us, instead of caring for ourselves. I became not only resentful that my A husband wouln't care for me, but also felt guilty for even asking that he do his part to take care of our family. Talk about a pull in opposite directions.
Nobody here expects you to be happy and relieved that she is ACTing better, because she is not better. It is just an act. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and if a person does not get a program of recovery and work it and get bettr, then they will get worse again and again. This is the reality of anyone who lives with an A. We cannot cause, control, or cure their drinking.
So the question is, what are you going to do? I would suggest meetings, reading Al-Anon literature, focusing on yourself, developing a plan B if you want to move out or things get too bad again, and of course keep coming back here and reading and posting. Do not forsake yourself just because things are temporarily better.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Well I certainly lived around people who lashed out at me all my life. I'm so grateful to be in alanon and learn how to stop doing that. There are ways to learn to detach. I think its a good idea actually to come here regardless. For some of us it takes years to learn the skills. In theory I am not cured because I ended the relationship with the A I was involved with. In fact, far from it I am just beginning my process. Boundaries are a huge thing to learn especially when you come from an alcoholic home.
I am glad you are back. I hope you will think about making al anon part of your life.
) plus she hasn't been so bad tempered and aggressive with me and my little brother which is a bonus too. 
It's still frustrating though, cuz she STILL drinks alot and it makes her very ill, I should be happy and releived that she is acting better, but the alcohol is still there which makes me not trust her or believe her that this is going to last 