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Okay so Canada Guy sent me Getting the Sober and I have started reading. I am also reading "When you love them more than they love you". I am also reading the Alanon book. I am posting here and over on the NA site some. Yet, I keep coming up with these questions...Why does he resent me so much? It's like when he was in jail we were best friends- no anymosity, really tenderness. Since he has been out for 3 weeks this has turned to a real resentment on his part and maybe mine too. My friends say that I say things to hurt him and that my facial expressions give away my mockery. I guess I just don't understand why he resents me so much- the one who would have given him everything- who always went to visit- who wrote letters to his public defender. I have put no expectations on him since he has been out- trying just to let him go ( ie the using incident). And yet, it is me he is belittling. I think back 3 weeks ago to conversations we had and they now break my heart as it appears that all the tenderness is gone. Thanks as always....
"What other people think of me is none of my business."
I try real hard to remember that, though I do have my days when I don't have a good conscious contact with my higher power, and I let other people's opinions/feelings about me get to me.
For me, when I choose to spend time analyzing and trying to figure out why the As or untreated codependents in my life do what they do, I steal precious time from focusing on what part I played in the pain in my life, and what I can do about it.
Living in the moment keeps me from the pain of the past and the fear of the future.
Today when I shared my feelings with my dad via email, it did indeed come back to bite me in the gluteus maximus, so I learned from that experience, and moved on.
Alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves, and what we can do to to improve the quality of our lives.
Although physically detaching (ie leaving them, not answering the phone/texts/emails, etc) is indeed a huge step for us, the real work begins when we start to take an honest look at self, and not at them.
This is just my opinion.
((((hugs))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I know part of the "fusion" between myself and the A was our resentment of each other. We had totally unrealistic views of what the other could do for us. My views were equally unrealistic to his. I had no idea what a "reasonable" view would be.
Do you read Melody Beattie. In Codependent no more she talks about the Karpman triangle if you read up on that you may understand some of the resentment issue. Either you are rescuing him, resenting him or feeling victimized by him. There is no other place but within the triangle. To get out of the triangle you have to de-tach. Remember that takes a lot of practice, you have to keep at it, one way is to really reduce contact with him and try not to think about him and what he is doing. The other issue Melody addresses so well is to become un-dependent. That is to feel more self reliant and less emotionally dependent on the A. Yes of course we all want a re-lationship and all that we have given to them means we "should" be given back to. Unfortunately as you will read if you keep at Getting them Sober that isn't the case with an active alcoholic. I also don't think it is the case with an active codependent.
So getting out of the Karpman triangle and getting un-dependent will help a great deal with the resentment issue. If you are not in Karpmans (and it may take a while to get out of it but being able to address where you are in the triangle is actually a way out of it) and becoming un-dependent will equal in time a whole lot less resentment. When you have less resentment you can grieve your losses (which are considerable).
I also hope you will address your own sobriety issues because being sober will really help with resentment too.
How about getting a sponsor in both programs, one for each!
I remember feeling resentment towards my A. I resented the fact that he inflicted this disease on me. I resented the fact that he was spending all of his time with other people getting sober. Now there's a small part of me that resents him being gone. How dare he die and leave me all alone with all the responsibility?!! I soon learned that resentment will only eat you alive. So I try and accept that the feelings are there, but not to dwell on them. I try and remember how good it was that he was getting sober and now I certainly refocus on the love we had and all the joys that came with loving him.
He's gonna feel whatever he's gonna feel. There's nothing you can do about it. Keep the focus on you. Keep working your program. All will be well. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I was lucky enough to have a great (online) sponsor during my roughest periods, and he helped me with so much practical knowledge and direction.... When I read your post about "why does he......." , it takes me back to an awesome exchange with my sponsor.....
I was doing the exact same thing - "why does my wife do xxxxx" (and it didn't really matter what "x" was......
He told me the following sage advice, that I think is equally applicable to 99% of situations even today: "Focus on the WHAT, not on the WHY. They WHY questions will eat you up. If you're having trouble differentiating as to which is a WHAT or a WHY question - ask yourself this simple question - if you knew the answer to the question you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When you're asking why your A acts inappropriately or is mean to you, or whatever, let's just say for a minute that you have your answer. (i.e. he does it cuz he was dropped on his head when he was 12 years old, or he does it cuz of the alignment of the neurons in his brain don't line up with the stars above, or he does it cuz Britney Spears is outta control, or he does it cuz his pet hamster died 25 years ago). Okay, so now you know WHY he acts like he does - so the question I ask you - has anything really changed??? I think the basic answer is no.
However, if you're able to get to the point of keeping with the facts, and the WHAT questions..... i.e. I wish to be treated like "x" and he continually treats me like "y"..... then you can start dealing with it.....
In the immortal words of Joe Friday, of Dragnet fame..... "Just the facts Ma'am"
Hope that helps... Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wanna know WHY my ex treated me similar to the way your ex treats you?Because I allowed him to. I firmly believed I was showing him LOVE by having NO boundries with him. That was how I was raised. If a person had a boundry, then there was something wrong with that person and that person was evil and mean. Consequently I had no boundries...especially with people I LOVED.
That taught my ex that I would allow him to disrespect, hate, abuse, intimadate, use, lie to, and ignore me and I would STILL be right where he left me, loving him with my whole heart.Kinda pathetic when I think back, but true.
It was like I had a sign on my back that said "kick me, I will LOVE you for it!" And so he did. Repeatedly and told others I was insane, I was obsessed, I was the one with problems! Well, DUH!!! Who wouldn't have problems when they are loving to the fullest extent and their love is being stepped on and beat up consistently???
And that is where turning the focus back on ME came in very handy. I stoped doing the dance, playing the game. I desired to be healthy and I saw this program as an opportunity to change my life and be happy!!!!
Here is where I learned that people like, love and respect others who have boundries. Here is where I learned it is never to late to change. Just because a relationship was like it was doesn't mean I have to follow those same rules forever! I can change it right now if I want to.
I grew up enough to be able to handle the fact that if I changed, if I started doing things differently, then more than likely the A would walk away. After all, if I started focusing on myself and I started growing and becoming healthy, what's in it for him? More than he would ever know....but that was something I was willing to do. Took awhile for me to get there though.
My change was for my kids in the beginning. I got out and started getting better for their sake because God Forbid they get involved with an insane crack addicted man, how would I feel knowing that I modeled that perfectly sick behavior and that is all they knew as "normal". I want so much more for them. I know there are no guareentees but I can at least give them a shot at a good life. Had to get strong and healthy to give them that chance.
I soon learned that resentment will only eat you alive. So I try and accept that the feelings are there, but not to dwell on them. I try and remember how good it was that he was getting sober and now I certainly refocus on the love we had and all the joys that came with loving him. 
