The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
just sort of pissed off tonight..fueled..angry..resentful..full of hate and rage at my a and at myself for letting her go..keeping her around..talking with her and not talking with her
pissed at some of the things that went down between me and her...fights..punches to the face..spitting on each other..anger..hostility..rage..alcohol
also i am pissed at myself for the way i handled the situation and my non commital attitude towards relationships in general...and my silence..my balls out complete and utter silence
not wishing to rock the boat...not wanting to fight so settling for less
i miss her and i am glad that she is gone..all at the same time..and still feel vulnerable to her call and her whims..and the way she can make me..or the way i let myself feel so awful
i messed up in so many ways in this relationship..but i was dealing with a user...an addict...a spoiled girl..as i am a spoiled man
the way i felt like i was falling to the ground..losing my fight..losing some of my will..and still wondering if i did the right thing by pushing her away...and scared almost terrified that she might just show up one day..maybe tomorrow
god..help me please in dealing with this situation..i just ate myself into comfort..and really i do not like to do that..just felt tired..angry..lonely..spiteful..hateful etc etc etc
leaving myself open for more??...more abuse??..more denial??denial of myself and my needs and wants
program program program
and she thinks its a cult and i am being minipulated by the program while i feel that she manipulates me twenty times..fifty times...a thousand times more then this program could ever..i don't feel manipulated by the program..i feel safety hope and encouragement..i felt way more mnipulated by her needs and wants...the security she needed..wanted..the money..the love..whatever it was
Melody Beattie has a great analogy in her book Codependent no more on letting go. Sometimes we have to stop holding on and just let go. I held onto the A who I lived with for so long and so hard. Even when I left him I still felt that I was responsible for him and I missed him terribly.Eventually I did come to miss him less but I had to do one more round of experiencing his chaos/crisis before I said I had had it. Then I started to put real limits in place and mean them.
I know for me it took quite a while a long period of separation to get my bearings I felt like I was at sea for a long time. I also felt very angry at him a great deal of the time. Now I do not have any contact with him at all (my choice not his) I don't have the occasion to be angry for such a concentrated amount of time.
Doing a 4th step definitely helps. The more I worked the steps the less angry I felt.
I went thru withdrawals similar to a man coming off of heroin. Still had to get off the fence and make a decision on what side I was going to jump. Didn't really want what I was getting so chose the other side. You know your story. When you get tired of it maybe you'll start building a new one.
Peace of mind and serenity has a price. It isn't so huge and it's worth every effort.
